So, this girl I recently started seeing had to cancel on me this weekend. She found out about a project, and she had to prepare for a debate for this great grad student district rep position. While I am disappointed, I understand why she had to cancel. I feel like I may have fudged up a little because when she said she would hopefully make it to my club meeting on Monday, I suggested that we maybe stop by the ice cream place downstairs afterward if she is able to make it. Maybe I should have just let her try to schedule the next thing since she cancelled our plans on me, but it's been a week since I've seen her and we have only had limited contact between then. Plus, I know that we won't have time to go on another date until the next weekend. She never got back to me after I sent that text (though I know she got busy at the time, but it's been a few days now so I don't think she is getting back to me about that). Is my suggesting this small ice cream trip something that is going to make me look too desperate? I don't know these things, I have like no real dating experience. On our second date, a week ago, we had a goodnight kiss which was actually my first kiss ever. She seemed to have a great time, and was enthusiastic about scheduling the date for this weekend (as she scheduled it), but then cancelled (because of good reasons, imo, that I stated earlier). I just really don't want the first person I ever kissed to become someone that I never get to go out with again. Also, I could REALLY use some advice on when I should tell her that she was my first kiss: I feel like she should know, but I don't want to scare her off either. I would assume though, that if she comes to my club meeting, that I should not worry about things especially. I feel like if she meant to stop seeing me that she would avoid my club meetings, not try to make it to them. I'm just so used to everything going wrong. I feel like someone would have to be crazy to date me because I'm just some weird, anxious, trans girl. I feel like it would be so much easier for someone to date a cis person over me, and that I'm stupid for thinking anyone could ever have feelings for me. My LONG history of being rejected seems to indicate that I'm not delusional for thinking this either. Dating as a trans person is very hard, and being gay on top of things, AND living in a small college town in a rural area makes dating nearly impossible. I'm just so tired of being alone; I feel pathetic.
1. You look pretty cute to me 2. Dont worry the ice cream date thing isn't desperate, it sounds like you said it pretty casual and its just downstairs so makes sense 3. I wouldn't tell her about the first kiss thing just yet, maybe wait a little, then again i dont know everything aha. Or you could just mention it casually 4. Sounds like she wants to see you, as you said she's coming to the club meeting 5. I understand, im actually the same age as you, had my first kiss recently too and haven't been in a relationship either..recently had my first date too, yay! Everything will work out eventually 6. Where you live right now is just temporary, eventually you can move to a bigger city where there'll be thousands of LGBT people to mingle with 7. You go girl!
Don't try to let silly things like this get you down I would say you should just find the perfect time to talk to her in personally about this
Sounds like you are both in college? My advice has always been the same for people in college.............don't care if you are "gay" or "straight"............ College is for getting your professional life together, learning what you are there to learn, and getting ready for life after school is all over with. College is not for dating, romancing, or getting "serious" with someone. That just gets in the way. If you want to date, date. But don't take it seriously and don't expect the other person to expect anything serious, regardless of what they might tell you otherwise. College is a busy time, with millions of distractions. Make friends, yes. Make acquaintances, yes. Make BFF's, absolutely. Make romances, no. Make future plans with someone, no. Keep your mind on school, which is the only serious thing you should be paying attention too. Once you are out of school, have a good job and your own place, THEN you can start seeking out something serious with another. Until then, don't expect much, if anything from dates, meetings, or get togethers.
Mister sparkles, you need to take your advice and NOT comment on here anymore. I'll do whatever the hell I want with my life, romantically speaking. I find it incredibly insulting you just assume that because I'm seeking a serious romantic relationship that I'm forgoing any professional aspirations. I am in a leadership position for the GSA at my school, I founded a queer literature club, I'm well on my way to getting into the teaching school. I volunteer many hours a week, AND I'm working with others in order to found a transgender clinic in the area that would help gift surgeries and other services to the local transgender population for years to come, and plans on branching out to several more locations. DO NOT COMMENT ANY MORE ON MY THREAD PLEASE. I hope you are able to see how UNBELIEVABLY insulting your comment has been. I don't care if that's the advice you give everyone. If you want to assume that everyone who is not solely focused on their studies is lazy and distracted, that's a bias you are going to have to work out on your own time. Leave. Me. Alone.
I don't think you should stress out about it too much, though I do get it, because I probably would do the same But she's probably just busy, like you said I wouldn't tell her about the kiss thing just yet, but if you feel like you really should, you should. Have fun at the date
Whereas I do see some merit in what Mr Sparkles has to say- in the sense that he is right about having one's priorities set, I am in agreement with you, Tayb24. The duration of my course is 8 years in total (medicine). The idea of holding off on love and prioritizing college work for eight years continuously doesn't seem right to me. And neither does it for you. Sure, on paper it makes sense to only start dating seriously when you have a stable job, and your own place- it all sounds good on paper- believe me, I have been in similar situations when some of my previous partners had asked me to follow them and go on a spontaneous trip to France- or have asked me to travel, but that said, if I were to wait until the precipices of my late 20s, as close as my early 30s for dating, when hopefully I would have a stable job and my own place to host, then I would go insane. Our lives would be reduced to nothing more than the autonomy of study, work, and study. That said, you shouldn't be too hard on him. Every single member always has a unique perspective to offer on a situation regardless of how controversial or how pugnacious it may seem. It is my opinion that, you should let love, feelings or whatever, happen spontaneously and take things as they come. I feel that deliberately shutting yourself off from possible opportunities would be stupid (this includes making statements, as you have, about the impossibility of finding someone who would ever have 'feelings' for you) and I am aware that, as one gets older, one begins to realize that there are many other factors at play in opposition to the flourishing and blossoming of love affair- such as the economics and the situational differences that arise as mentioned by Mr Sparkles. Truly, sometimes love is not enough. That said, I know it is easier said than done, but you will only find love and happiness by removing yourself of expectations. If the feelings are mutual, then she will also be feeling your loss after a while. That is not to say however, to be inactive or passive- of course always take initiative, but the removal of expectation tends to not only create more fluidity in terms of conversation and the expression of your personality, but it also filters it from the influences of undue decorum and affectation. So often when we search for something, and so often when we try to hold onto something, the more elusive it becomes. This does not exclusively concern your current situation (or your "long history of being rejected") with what sounds to be a very lovely person, but it concerns more so your outlook on dating and your pessimistic attitudes about your apparent lack of qualities. I am certain that, from the intonation of your post, that you are a passionate, strong minded and determined individual with a strong set of personal principles and a conviction to follow through what ever it is you are aiming for. I don't know when, or how, but I know that you will find someone someday. Everyone eventually does. Keeping in mind also that, sometimes we get caught up in a vicious cycle of trying to obtain something with increasing effort and perseverance, only to have the opposite effect of chasing it away. I want to leave you with a quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne: “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” I speak to you about happiness because I have, at times felt just as you have, undate-able, and with the pessimistic attitudes that you hold with regards to the impossibility of ever finding a partner. It wasn't until I realized that at the core of it, I had been conflating my own perceived sense of happiness with the idea of finding someone- and that in the end, I wasn't at all looking for someone, but rather just looking for the happiness that had been out of my grasp, that I began to truly start connecting more profoundly with the people that I found important. Why am I talking to you about happiness you might ask? I don't know- but it was perhaps the agonizing and self-castigating tone that I had sensed in your post and above all, in your response to Mr Sparkles, that suggested to me that perhaps you are looking for more than just a partner or a date... I apologize if I have overstepped my boundaries and made a comment upon your happiness. best of luck.
I think maybe you're just over thinking things. It sounds like you did just fine, and I'm sure you'll get another date. No worries!
