So my partner and I have been together 1 year now and overall we're pretty happy. She suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety and that has affected our relationship at times. She has a very low sex drive due to her issues and medications. Anyways, she accused me of being jealous of her and her mothers relationship, my "mother in law" so to speak. Let me say, I'm NOT jealous of their relationship but I find it very strange. When me and my partner first started dating, she wouldn't let us change our relationship status on Facebook because she was afraid of what her mom would say, and her opinion, etc. She had to get up the courage to tell her mom she had a new girlfriend and waited a month after we were dating to tell her, afraid of her disapproval. Now my partner is going on 29 yrs old.. I found this strange. Its like she values her moms opinion and approval above everyone else's, even mine. We're engaged and living together, not just casually dating and I should be her top priority and #1 woman in her life, not her mother. I understand they're close and love each other..that's a great thing, but the apron strings need to be cut! Whenever we're all around each other, as in me and my gf, her parents, etc, I get completely ignored, its as if I don't exist when she's around her mother. All her focus and attention is on her mother. My daughter had a Christmas program at her school, and I invited my in laws, I was on the end seat, and my gf was next to me, and her dad sat beside her and her mom was on the end, so the entire program, they leaned over my father in law and talked/whispered the entire time, ignoring the program and me. I felt so alone and ignored, plus I thought it was rude in general. They talk every day by texting, and she's telling her mom all her feelings and thoughts whole I feel like there's a wall between us. I come off as jealous but you have to understand where I'm coming from. Its like she worships the ground her mom walks on and always needs her approval on everything. She constantly compares my parenting to her mothers, saying things like "well this is how my mama would handle it" and "this is how mama did it, maybe you should be more strict like my mama was" I tell her... I'm not your mom, I'm "me". The fact that her mom comes off as this wonderful person to people who don't know her well when she's actually a manipulative, lying, controlling person doesn't help matters. She puts guilt trips on my gf if she doesn't call/text her enough. Says thing like " are you alive?" And "you don't call me like you used to" ... Well my gf has me now, and the 2 kids, a life of her own. I think my mother in law is actually jealous of me! Anyone else going through this???? In need advice!!!:bang::icon_sad:
Have you discussed this with your girlfriend? You need to ask her to respect your feelings and your relationship with her, but in asking so, you have to demonstrate respect towards your girlfriend and her relationship with her mother. Everyone has different relationships with their parents, and your girlfriend seems to have an especially strong bond. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy, whether the mother is manipulative or not is something we can't tell. Either way, if you truly care about your partner, you need to accept that part of her, and stop asking whether it's "normal". It's not constructive to go into a discussion trying to establish the norm and where she falls on the spectrum. Instead, focus on how her relationship with her mother affects you. The incident about your daughter's event, for example. She needs to respect you and take your side when it is called for. I don't think that anyone in your life should always be number one priority though. Maybe you need to adjust your expectations a little as well.
I have and she just gets super defensive and angry at me, accusing me of being jealous. Its not in my head, she recently told me every one of her ex girlfriends had the same complaints and issues.
I think that this kind of thing is typical between a mother and daughter, especially before they get married to someone else. The mother gets over protective to the point where they become a problem, especially if the daughter-in-law-to-be and the mother don't see eye to eye. Being that your girlfriend has PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, I think that she may be trying her best to balance the rest of you out. Being in a relationship, you're gonna have to get used to the fact that she's going to be sharing her attention with others. I don't believe that she was ignoring you or the program, I think that she was just trying to get in a little father-daughter time. Like sharing the attention, you're going to have to get used to the fact that she's not always going to be by your side, that you will in fact have to be a little more independent. She could very well one day need to go abroad somewhere for a few weeks and would have to leave you behind. You never know. As for the parenting problem, you should really sit her down and talk to her. Ask her to stop comparing parenting skills, because everyone does their parenting differently.
The fact that her previous partners have had the same problem may indicate it's not you. Her mother does seem to be engaging in some controlling behaviors, namely, the need for constant contact and the subsequent guilt-tripping. Has your girlfriend seen a therapist for her mental health problems? Her mother's behavior is probably not helping those. Would you two consider couple's counseling?
