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I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by marieblue, Mar 2, 2015.

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  1. marieblue

    marieblue
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    So I'm in my mid-twenties still at home. For a long time I think what put me in denial for so long was my mom's attitude towards me first telling her I thought I had fallen in love with my BFF at 14. Her response: ''you just confused friendship for love. That girl introduced those thoughts in your head since she's bi''... ect... For a while I'm ashamed to say I believed her. It's crazy because looking back she never did anything wrong and now my mom despises her and always asks me if I keep in touch with her since she moved.

    So fast forward to now, in the years since, she's commented on me not dating as many guys as she'd like, periodically asks me if I'm still confused, tells me I don't go out nearly enough and that its all because of that BFF. Sometimes she'll act like she's supportive saying 'oh whatever it is you need to accept yourself' until I slowly try to open up again only to be told I'm confused.

    This week was the last straw. So I forgot to log out of here and I guess she found ''my gay stuff on the computer''. Asking me ''are you still into this stuff?'' again later insinuating that that is why I am an anxious person because I don't accept myself. It's like thanks mom I already know that. Starting to look more supportive right?

    Well just last week my sister-in-law, mom, and myself just happened to be discussing homosexuality and my mom mentioned how she thought it was caused by "nurture'' and not ''nature''. Thankfully my sister-in-law thinks its nature (I don't think she knows about me).

    So anyway earlier this week before she told me I left my stuff open, I also just happened to stubble upon a autobiographical article in a common room in the house. Its about this girl that says she avoided guys for a long time because she was substituting her love life by being too emotionally invested in her best friend and 'punishing herself'. Spoiler alert: although to me the article screamed queer in denial she ended up marrying a guy.

    It just seemed way to suspicious for me to stubble upon it in a common room and reminded me so much about her argument for ''you just confused friendship for something more'', like it was left there on purpose. I cried so hard and was so mad but she denies leaving it there for me to find. It reminded me how terrible she made me feel when I came out to her looking for support at 15.

    So is she getting better? Does that article seem like coincidence? How do I approach the gay thing with her - clearly she doesn't want to stop asking me questions about it.
     
    #1 marieblue, Mar 2, 2015
  2. shota

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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    Aye maybe you are a little denial if you like your bff you might be bi or you might be gay and to me you should keep being her bff it's all up to you
     
    #2 shota, Mar 2, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2015
  3. marieblue

    marieblue
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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    Lol I know. I think I'm gay. I'm just wondering how to handle my mom and I guess homophobia :slight_smile:
     
    #3 marieblue, Mar 2, 2015
  4. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    To me, it seems that your mom doesn't really understand what being gay means, or she wouldn't deny that it is part of nature. But, it doesn't seem that she is violently against it, or that she will give you lots of trouble because of it.

    You could just answer her honestly when she asks you about it again, or you could peraphs write a letter to her.

    Don't rush it thought. If you are still not really out to yourself, take it slow and take your time to think about yourself, to yourself. This is about you, not about what other people think.
     
    #4 Chiroptera, Mar 2, 2015
  5. Aldrick

    Aldrick
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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    As Chiroptera wrote, your mother is just ignorant. Whether or not she comes around is a guessing game, but she likely will with time.

    What is important right now is that you get comfortable with yourself. Whether or not your mother left that there for you is irrelevant. You are looking to someone for support who is incapable of giving it to you. Your anxiety very well may be a result of hiding your sexual orientation, or at least a component of it. So this is very important for you to sort out. Are you in therapy of any sort, and if so are you out to your therapist?

    Whether or not she believes it is nature or nurture that caused you to be gay it is still her fault. So she needs to make peace with that and move on. And since you are already out to her, I'd tell her as much directly. She may get angry, but you are not confused. You know that you are romantically and sexually attracted to girls, and you have known it for some time. Playing a game of denial and confusion only gives your mother false hope, take that false hope away from her, and embrace yourself.

    The best advice that you can be given in this situation is for you to not take ownership of your mothers feelings. It does not matter what opinions that she holds, what she thinks, or how she feels about things. Those are her opinions, thoughts, and feelings. You do not have to agree with them or accept them. You need to create a very clear line in your mind between what belongs to your mother (her anti-gay baggage), and what belongs to you (your truth). Only take ownership of what is yours.

    If your mother attempts to tell you that something is wrong with you--she is wrong. There is something wrong with her, and she needs to figure out a way to fix that. Your role and your responsibility at this moment in time is to get comfortable with who you are, get the help and support that you need that your mother cannot provide, and make it very clear that you are an adult now and you are going to make your own decisions--whether she agrees with them or not. If you are financially dependent on your mother, and you think she might use that over you as leverage, then you need to plan accordingly.

    No one can crawl into your mothers head and tell you whether or not she left that article there on purpose. The fact of the matter is, she was reading it at one point or another, and that is enough. You know where she stands. You now need to figure out where you stand, and what you are going to do about the situation.
     
    #5 Aldrick, Mar 2, 2015
  6. TheHesitantAlien

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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    Ugh, I feel really sorry for you - this is a fucking hard situation! :frowning2:

    Firstly, I would say don't have any lingering worries about confusion. If you're in yo past adolescence, that should pretty much all be behind you and stuff should be pretty much 'there to stay' (as far as I understand it, anyway).
    Secondly, how good is your relationship with your sister-in-law? If you feel more comfortable with her, talk to her about it and get her opinion.
    Lastly, the article mystery. I don't really know if that's coincidence or not, but you could probably disregard that to be honest. What you say goes, and maybe a few articles of your own finding about how sexuality is determined perfectly naturally by differences in brain chemistry. After all, what you say goes, and I'm sure she'll be more understanding than you worry about.
    Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck!
    - Leo (!)
     
    #6 TheHesitantAlien, Mar 3, 2015
  7. marieblue

    marieblue
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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    Boy oh Boy. Sorry for not replying earlier, work has been crazy. I glimpse but didn't have the time to reply. I think it is here to stay and I've made peace with that. I think that's one thing that surprised me about how I handled the situation with my mom and just being angry enough to stand up and call her out on it. Years ago I would have never had the strength to do that and I must say it's a nice change. I'm proud of myself.

    Anyhow just an update. I wrote a letter to my mother confronting her. She actually got mad and me and cried because I didn't confront her earlier. I guess it was all a misunderstanding. She put the article to just give me something to think about, to let me know it's okay to act on either side, just start living life. She just wants me to be happy.

    So glad I had that conversation. You guys on EC don't even know how much you people help. It feels amazing. Thanks for all the love and support :slight_smile: Oh Oh Oh and patience. I know I'm stubborn and post way too much stuff ha!
     
    #7 marieblue, Mar 16, 2015
  8. jAYMEGURL

    jAYMEGURL
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    Re: I need someone to translate this situation for me. Need advice on homophobic? mom

    Dear marieblue :


    So, you've got one of those Mom's too!!!!!!! huh ? Yeah, I lived with my mom too when I was in my twenties, and she had me date this girl from work, No big deal, or so I thought. I had admitted to my mom a few months earlier that I was gay, but as all moms think, she was hoping that this girl would chase that demon away., Guess what!!! her plan didn't work.


    Years have gone by, and I'm now on my own, well partially. On Fridays, leading into the weekends, I've become a cross-dresser, because it just feels right to me. I'm having some renovation work done on my bathroom, and on the closets, and the workmen had to remove the closet doors, half of my closet is dedicated to my feminine wardrobe. Unfortunately, my Mom saw this, and just about threw a major fit. I, too left my computer on, and she checked the computers history, and saw that I was still on this site, this further lead to her nosiness, and now as for my punishment, I have one week to get rid of my clothes and return to being a normal kid, or she will cut me off financially.

    This is so unfair.

    Jaymegurl
     
    #8 jAYMEGURL, Mar 20, 2015
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