Lately it has become prevalent and noticeable to me that my mom is homophobic. But there's a twist. She's fine with lesbians (at least she tolerates them) but when it comes to gay guys, she's extremely critical. This is more of a slap in the face to me than if she were just an all-around homophobe so to speak. It's like she singles out the gay guys to hate. This is most notable when we're watching TV. For example, she's obsessed with Orange Is The New Black and the lesbian moms on The Fosters. But when it comes to the gay couple on Modern Family or the two gay kids on The Fosters, she reacts in a disgusted way. The two gay kids simply talked to each other in their room and she freaked out, called them stupid, said no one cares about gays, then skipped to the next scene. I don't understand this behavior. It's more hurtful than just being homophobic; it's like she specifically hates what I am (she doesn't know; I'm still in the closet). Can anyone shed some light on this?
This has everything to do with what she has been taught about masculinity. It's not just your mother (though I'm certain it hurts more coming from her). Notice that lesbian porn is aomething many men think of as sexy, whereas simply being a gay male is disgusting. A lot of trans women deal with more violence than trans men, because it's more acceptable to be a masculine woman, than a feminine male. Personally, I think trans people are the gender they claim, but I'm speaking from the standpoint of many people. Your mom's beliefs are just a variation of these other prevalent issues.
Sounds like she maybe suspects you are and she is having a hard time dealing with it. You think she does not know, but sometimes parents suspect and they need to work through stages of acceptance just like we do when we admit to ourselves that we are gay. I also feel the need to say to those with parents that are less than supportive.....as a parent, sometimes we are just really scared.... of them having a hard life, being in danger(look at the news) or commiting suicide. It does not always come out in the best most loving way either We either come off as angry or uncaring. So, keep that in mind also when she reacts the way we do. Just sayin.....
You both bring up interesting points. I must say I do think she suspects at some points, but then at other times I'm not sure. I feel like she may have read some private messages at one point in time because she had an eerily similar conversation with me right after. I understand that she may be trying to accept it. I actually would like to believe that she has no idea because if she does suspect, that would mean she's knowingly saying these nasty things about me. Knowing all of the things I struggle with daily related to this, I feel like she should be trying to help me instead of hurt me. Thanks for the responses, guys. Anyone else wanna sound off?
It's just an odd backwards thinking, like someone said above, similar to how people deem lesbian porn okay, but anything related to gay men as not okay.
pgc317, I was thinking the same thing as you about her not having any idea because if she did and then was making those remarks...that is very disturbing that a mother would do that. So I lean more towards she doesnt suspect anything, assuming that she is a fairly well adjusted person mentally. Is it ok if I ask how old you are? If you dont want to reveal your age thats ok. Im just curious. Im a mom and our 19 yr old son came out to us about a yr ago. I have read stories here about parents rejecting their kids because they are gay. I have learned a lot of things since our son came out to us and I think the most important thing is for people to have support even if it isnt from their family. There are many different reasons people have for being in the closet and sometimes it comes right down to safety. However you can still get support even though your in the closet. Here is one place of course. You can contact someone from your nearest PFLAG so you will have a go to person and keep it confidential. Younger people need support from adults they can trust and help guide them and understand what they are going through. We as parents learned so much since our son came out. Learning that he is gay has only enriched our lives.
Turtlemom, I'm a senior in high school leaving for college in August! Although like I said I'd hope she had no idea because of those comments, I feel like she is suspecting. Perhaps that is why she has such a strong emotional response to gay men specifically. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt for if she is trying to cope. I hope she can come around sooner rather than later. Anyways, I'd love to hear your story and your son's coming out experience. He's lucky to have a mom like yourself
pgc317, Thats great that your going to college soon. I really dont believe she is making those comments about gay men because she suspects that you are gay. Its extremely common for people to be more accepting of women being gay than men being gay. Her personal views can have a lot to do with the people she was around growing up, the city she lived in, the list goes on. Take me for ex...I lived in a small town growing up and back then things were sooooo different. I didnt know anyone that was gay. However I also think growing up in a small town was to my advantage in many ways. My grandparents were very excepting of everyone that included anyone gay too. So that right there influenced my views greatly. One of the things parents think is that there child has changed some how...its the strangest thing. When you have a child and you are straight, you just dont think about your child being gay. The parent will think I have a boy and so the parent just figures they will get a girlfriend like many other boys and thats that. Our son was very supportive, he took on the parent roll for a little while ha. You can read about what its like for parents and what they go through, they go through stages of grief...its wierd but I think its natural. You can ask me anything anytime if you would like. I will try my best to share what I can from a parents view. Thanks for the compliment saying my son is lucky to have me for a mom. I dont know, I dont think Im anything special at all. I think many parents accept their gay child. I know there are many that dont and there can be some pretty horrific stories for sure. I think the best thing for you to do now is accept yourself and build a support system with friends and any other sources you can. You need that! I can tell you lots of great things that happened since our son came out. Come back and I will tell you sometime.
Sorry you have to deal with that bro :/ That's quite strange. Usually a straight parent would have a hard time accepting or understanding relationships between those of their same gender most. Just going to go out on a limb here, maybe your mom is bisexual or even a lesbian?
One psychological truth I have always found....... The LOUDER someone complains, berates, or is "intolerable" to another for their lives or what they do......they are simply THAT jealous of them. They don't have the guts or balls to be who THEY really are, so they berate others who have the lives or do what they are doing, because they are too scared to live the life they want. or She's just a man-hater all the way around. And yes, man-haters do get married and have kids. I have a friend who is a man-hater, but she found one she likes and married him. She is still very one-sided on hating men though. From what you have said, I would assume your mother is a shut-in lesbian, and is finding an outlet for her hatred of not having the guts to be who she is, and takes it out on the men. A lot of lesbians take out their hostilities on men.
I love "Modern Family"!!! I heard about it for the first time here on EC, and I've been checking out the DVDs at the library. That gay couple is SO sweet. Wow, it just makes you thing of what could be! Anyway, for whatever reason, you're mom is really homophobic. Why not just call her on it? Every time she says something like that, just tell her that it is so homophobic, ask her why she said it, defend the people that she is attacking. Take life up a notch. Eventually, you are probably going to want to come out to here. Close the gap a bit between where you are now, and where you will need to be in order to come out. Right now, each time she does this and you remain silent, she is driving another nail into that closet door that is going to make it harder to ever open if you don't start pushing back on her hammer right now. :goodluck: (&&&)
pgc317 : The handling of gay people is a tricky thing. The handling of gays and lesbians on T.V. is so bad that I don't even watch anymore. Modern Family is just stupid, and there is not one single thing that is funny about this piece of garbage. The Fosters is the worst A.B.C. Family Drama that I have ever seen. And the show's portrayal of lesbian moms is such a joke. Lesbianism is a great thing, but this show does such a bad job of portraying their advancement in our society. Gay people will never be taken seriously, and these two shows you talked about treat gays and lesbians like circus freaks. Read or watch the news, look how long it has taken our gender to have gay marriage ratified. Gay healthcare, forget about it, equal-sex insurance, never going to happen. I say this because when it comes to our gender, this is a HOT button issue that congress HATES, and unfortunately, our society will not ever treat our gender fairly. this is like women receiving equal pay for equal work, not going to happen, because our society won't let it happen. I can understand your fears about " coming out " after seeing the garbage on television. And about your mothers reaction to seeing this crap on T.V., I weep for her, she obviously is a product of society's negativity. All I can say to you is : good luck with your decision to " come out ". Jaymegurl
