Hey guys, This is an odd one. This post isn't the usual "I'm in love with my straight best friend" type. Im not asking if my friend is gay, i just a need a little advice on what to do in the situation please. So i have a friend - lets call him Andrew. We met in collage and honestly i fell in love with him. I asked him out he politely declined as he was straight. A few years passed and the chemistry between us was ridiculously intense (I'm not going to rattle of all the "signs" i had that made me think he was gay.) Anyway, i asked him out again, if he has changed his mind, if he had thought about his sexuality. He again was polite, told me he was straight. So we had a few months apart and now, again we are living together. He is a great housemate, cooks me food, does my washing (i do stuff for him too) we go out places together etc. He has had no girlfriend since i have met him 5 years ago. I feel i know where i stand and I'm alright with it. However, the flirting is back, the chemistry is rediculous, we play fight all the time and wrestle. He makes inappropriate flirty jokes. This makes things awkward as the feelings i have had have returned. I have tried to convince myself its all in my head, as he has said he is straight and i can't do anything about that. It reached a pinnacle last night as we were both stone cold sober. He came in from work having had a bad day, we sat next to each other on the sofa. I rubbed his feet (we do this, its no big deal) then something came over me and (yes you don't have to tell me that what i did was bad) i kept on massaging up his leg... and i mean right the way up. i was basically hand my hands in his groin and he was fine with it. he let me continue. This confused me, we were chatting normally, my hands in his groin (over joggers). The next day i go to use the bathroom and i found a pair of his boxers covered in his, well... ahem... "expulsions". I had got in earlier than i said so i guess he thought he had time to clean before i got home. Obviously i haven't said anything, and this may be a massive coincidence but I'm rather confused. He said he isn't gay and that is fine, i just need some advice as to what to do with this scenario. Thanks in advance guys!!
Tell him that if he's straight, he needs to quit sending your mixed messages. If he asks dumb, describe the events you consider to be flirting. That way you will send a message that 1. You believe he's not acting like a regular straight guy 2. If he continues, you will assume he is really flirting. Actions speak louder than words.
I agree with resu. You need to confront Andrew about his behavior. Tell him that you have feelings for him, and that if he is truly straight, then he is - at best - being insensitive to your feelings. If he's closeted, then show some compassion, but let him know that it is not appropriate for him to flirt with you if he has no intention of pursuing a relationship with you. In your post you described his comments as "inappropriate flirty jokes." If you think they are inappropriate, then he should not be making them, and he needs to respect your boundaries, especially because you're living together. I agree that you should describe to him the behaviors that you believe to be flirting. This may just be a misunderstanding. However - and I don't mean to sound harsh - but whether or not he is straight, it's not fair to you for him to behave that way, because he's leading you on, and he needs to know that.
Guys, I really appreciate it, thank you. I felt like i was going crazy and just needed someone to be my perspective fairy and agree that this behaviour is not normal for a guy who says he is straight with his openly gay housemate who he knows has had feelings for him. This is going to be one awkward conversation. I feel much better now. Thanks!! Ps. If anyone has anything else to add that would be great too!
UPDATE I finally tried to discuss things with him. He tells me that he is just starting to date a girl he works with. What I didn't expect is how hard that would hit me, I guess my feelings for him were stronger than I thought. Weirdly, I'm really angry, at him , at myself. I guess, stupidly I thought we had something, even after he told me "no". I'm angry at myself for believing it , I guess it all must have been in my head. Yet at the same time I'm angry at him because anyone could see we didn't have a regular relationship that two guys have. I'm also unbelievably sad, as pathetic as it sounds all I wanted to do was love him, nd the thought of him with this girl makes me sick. I guess she is really nice, and I want him to be happy, I guess I just wish it was me that was making him happy. The joke is, for some stupid reason I still believe there is something between me nd him, and I don't know why or what is making me think that. I've had to move out of the job I love, I'm single, I can't tell my family about it for fear of rejection. I'm not a happy bunny. I'm sorry for the pitty party, I don't have anyone else to talk to. Not like I can talk to him, declaring my love a third time is pathetic and I wish I didn't feel anything for him. Where do I go, I feel a bit lost?
I understand how you feel. The way you feel, don't blame yourself for it. It takes two to tango. You can't change your friend, but you can change yourself and that means you have to move on. Don't wait around for him, he's too focused on trying to understand himself as of right now. He probably has feelings for you but he's unaware of what those feelings are. You guys are on a different spectrum of this "friendship." He probably likes you too, but not to the point where he has to be comfortable with himself. Don't torture yourself while he's dating another girl. I'm glad you moved out and being positive. Just do you for the time being.. if he comes around he comes around. Good luck friend!
I have another explanation. He might not yet be comfortable with his own sexuality. His "new" girlfriend at work might be somewhat of a beard while he tries to figure things out. In situations likes this, your not going to be able to push him and the more you attempt the more the risk you push him away from you. So the only real solution is if you can decide for yourself that either your willing to wait until he figures things out, or you remove yourself from the situation and move on. You admit that the news of his girlfriend hit you harder than expected. And, let's be honest, a room mate having their feet rubbed by another room mate, which is very intimate, is actually something more than what you suggested. So either you realize you might keep banging your head against the wall for an indefinite amount of time or you extract yourself and work to get over him.
Thanks for the support, again I really appreciate it. Does anyone have and any tips to help deal with things? Other than therapy, I go there once a week. And investing in ear plugs, he hasn't had a girlfriend for 5 years and our bedrooms share a wall, I don't think I could cope hearing. I'm going to get over this. I can't do it to myself for any longer. Like I say any more tips? Thanks xx
Moving out isn't really do-able, we've both signed a contract for the next year. Any other tips would be great x
