Hi, My names Lauren, until over 2 years ago I identified myself as straight. Then I got with my girlfriend, who turned to me early into our relationship telling me "she" was transgender. I've now been with HIM for over 2 years. I didn't see any problems because I'd been with other lads before, and I knew I was attracted to girls. But now he's been on testosterone, and even though he hasn't been on long enough for the changes to be massive. I feel my feelings are changing. The first time we slept together, it was great and a lot better than any lad I'd slept with. I've always thought it was because it was something new, now 2 years down the line, I'm not so sure. I don't enjoy sex the way he wants to do it, I don't feel comfortable or right. But when we do it the way "two women" would do it, it feels so much more natural and better. I haven't looked at a man in forever and found him attractive, yet I feel I see women everywhere. I'm worried I'm not even bisexual, I'm a lesbian. And I don't think I can deal with that....
I identify as a lesbian and I will say that in all of my confusion I always felt fear of being any identity. My understanding of sexuality is that it is complex and people will always challenge our understanding of ourselves. When I identified as straight in my teen years (meaning that's what I told people), the idea or thought of being gay scared the shit out of me. When I came out as a lesbian and accepted my identity and everything was great, once in awhile I will see an attractive man and once I had a crush on a guy! It scared me again! I think this could scare anyone because we find places and a sense of belongingness when we figure out parts of who we are and connect with others with similar identities. With having sex different actions have different meanings. In my personal sex-life I do not like situations where one person is dominate and one person is submissive. Everything needs to be equal and balanced because that brings me comfort and the most pleasure. When I was with someone who transitioned it challenged everything. This person had a changing body and they wanted to express themselves the way they saw themselves- meaning they presented their true inner gender in traditional ways that did not jive with me. The relationship for me did end, some of it had to do with the transition as well as other reasons. I have learned that for me I have the best relationships with people who are cis-female who identify as lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual. I do not fight or disregard attractions I may have for other people of other identities however I know those relationships simply do not work well. I am at the point where I am okay with the complexity of sexuality and the people who constantly challenge things about myself. Those are the people who I admire and am thankful for having met in my life
