If anyone likes a long read....please help.

It's taken me a long time to actually write this and it's a really long post so I completely understand if people don't have the time to read it in it's entirety haha.

Basically, in October 2013 I got with a girl after spending 6.5 years with a guy, we lived together, had a son together, but then this girl came along, she was 17 and I was 24. Quite the age gap, I know, but she was so much more older headed than any other 17 year old I knew, I thought me and the guy I was with were going to be together forever, it wasn't perfect, he wasn't affectionate and it's something I really needed, to feel assured and wanted, so she came along and I fell fast and hard, I started spending more and more time with her, one thing led to another and eventually we were sleeping together. I didn't go near my boyfriend at all during this time, he was happy for me to "experiment" with girls, he used to always joke that one day I would leave him for a woman, and I did. I felt guilty, I got depressed, I felt like I was letting my son down, tearing apart his family. But I finally felt like I was with someone I was supposed to be with.

Anyway, when me and her got together, my ex had no where to go and so he still lived with me for quite some time, he met someone new as well, and she would come round to the house, yea, it was weird, but it seemed to work, I was happy with my girlfriend, he was happy with his and we gave each other space in the house and our son seemed to adapt brilliantly to everything. When me and my girlfriend first started seeing each other, there wasn't a spare bed in my house and downstairs is really cold so my ex would go to bed and I would get in and go to sleep, both clothed, I don't know why I thought this was okay, nothing ever happened and it stopped not long after, it was literally me giving the father of my son somewhere to sleep, there was nothing in it.

Fastforward a bit and my girlfriend starts getting frustrated with the living situation, understandably, I don't think I would have liked it either, so I make my ex move out.

During our one year 5 month relationship, I only have 1 friend I still consistently speak to, if she doesn't like someone for whatever reason, like a lot of my friends were romantically interested in me back when I was 16, this is a massive problem for her even though they definitely don't feel this way anymore and we are just good friends, so I have one friend who she approves of, if I spend three nights in a row with him at my house, she starts accusing me that there must be something going on, and calls him my boyfriend. I forgot to mention that she is currently living 30 miles away at university which has only made her paranoia worse, as well as the extreme amount of weed she smokes.

I'm not allowed to communicate with my ex unless it's in regards to my son, even then she expects me to be horrible to him. Yet, her ex,( they weren't ever officially together but for all intents and purposes they were a couple) she speaks to on a regular basis, and she claims it's "different" because she wasn't with this girl for 6.5 years and she didn't start a life with her, her words.

I'm not allowed to speak to any of my friends that she doesn't like, which can be for the most ridiculous of reasons, if I try and say anything about them in a positive manner I am "betraying her and taking their side" she says to me "is that friendship worth more than me"

She even gets jealous when I'm affectionate towards my son, sometimes I grab him from behind and kiss his neck and she tells me it's bordering on weird and I should stop it, I shouldn't kiss him there because I kiss her there. He's four, he's my son, I wasn't given much affection by my mother and father so I want him to always know that I love him, he's also a really cuddly affectionate kid. Is this wrong?

Her and my friend (the one she approves of) recently took MDMA. They were all over each other all night, cuddling and stroking each other, and I didn't bat an eyelid, and I know if I did mention that I didn't like it (for the record I didn't mind, this is just for arguments sake) she would have said I was ruining her experience and I just didn't get it because I can't take MDMA.

I used to go running, do photography, go camping, hiking, to the zoo etc etc, and now I do nothing. I spend my daytime helping her disabled mother and my evening sorting my own house out when I get home. I'm aware that I wouldn't be able to do everything I used to without a car, as obviously my ex took his car when he left and I don't drive, but I don't do any of the things I used to love anymore.

I can't take pictures because my friend who is also a photography enthusiast, happens to be my ex from when I was 15, I've always been good at staying friends with exes, and we have been broken up for 8 years, we were just really good friends, if it wasn't for him, I would probably be dead, he came in to my life at a really bad time and practically saved me. But I'm not allowed to see him anymore because she's convinced he has feelings for me.

This is just a tiny tiny part of a massive problem involving double standards, insecurity amongst other things, which would take me weeks to write.

The bottom line is, despite these few problems I love her, to the bottom of my heart, but I'm not sure how much more I can handle, what would you do?

Another problem is her mother, she's registered disabled and struggles on a day to day basis, I go and help her every day but on the days I don't want to for whatever reason, just because I don't want to my girlfriend calls me "selfish, self centred" etc and she has even said "you don't need to go and play guitar at a friends, but my mum needs help, you're so selfish, you told me you could look after her, you can't, so it's over"

I get dumped for anything and everything, I have been finished with on average of once a week since we have been together, we have had physical fights, always started by her, I have had a black eye before, but I have pushed her over when she's been attacking me.

She has called my son when she's in a mood, she has said that she hates him even. And despite all of this, even though I haven't even scratched the surface, I love her.

What do I do? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am so in love with her but it's like one half of me loves her no matter what she says or does and the other half absolutely despises her.

I am not innocent, like every person I have mood swings, I can be irrational and nasty at times as well but she always says "stop doing stuff wrong and we will be fine" "show me more affection and we will be fine".

I must reiterate this is only a very tiny fraction of the problems, she's controlling in every way, to the point that I have to tell her every minute detail of what I'm doing, who I'm with and why, I have to tell her why I want to see people, like I need a reason, she's always with friends at university, but when I say "why can't I see my friends if you're seeing yours?" She will say "I'm supposed to be doing this, I'm 18, you've been there and done that, you're 26 and a mother, it's pathetic, it's sad"

She has actually stated several times that she would be happy for me to be at home, alone, if she's with people because she gets lonely, yet she tells me I can't cope on my own and I'm pathetic. She tells me I cheated on her with my ex, when really I cheated on my ex with her, you know?

I don't even know what to say anymore......help?

---------- Post added 11th Mar 2015 at 08:02 AM ----------

Just thought I would add, I also suffer with quite severe depression and since being with her I have started to self harm again in order to deal with everything, I cut and I have busted my knuckles, punching walls, I know most will say it's a no-brainer, just leave, but it's honestly not that easy