Another "Is my friend gay?" post

Hello everyone,

I recently became friends with this guy, and we've become great friends in a span of only a few months. I, of course, have started to develop feelings for him. The only problem is idk if he's gay. I have a lot of evidence that says he is, but a lot that says he isn't as well, so here goes:

Evidence that he isn't:
-He's told me before he isn't (I guess that's a pretty big one)
-He's got a gf back home (Also a big one)

Evidence that he is gay:
-We hold hands, like a lot.
-We cuddle pretty often
-He lets me play with his hair and rub his back all the time.
-Sometimes he'll just fall asleep while we are sitting together and pretty much nap in my lap
-He'll come to my room (we live in the dorms at college) and lay his head against my bed and I'll start playing with his hair and he'll let out one of those content sounding sighs.
-Sometimes when we are sitting in a room and we are kinda far apart he'll tell me to come look at something on his phone to get me to sit closer to him.

There's really a bunch of stuff. When we first started getting to know each other he told everyone he was bi, but then later said that he was joking. Then, last night I was in his room and he was leaning on his bed, so I went up behind him and kinda bumped into him a little and played with his hair. Then he said he wasn't gay, so I told him, "sure you are". And he said, "not yet". I didn't really say anything after that, but idk what it means. What does that even mean?!

I really like him, but he does have a gf he talks to pretty often, so I'm pretty confused about where we stand. It's spring break right now and we are gonna be alone together a lot in the next week because all our friends went home for the week, and I really wanna figure out whats up with him, but idk how to go about it. What do you guys think, is he gay? bi? What should I do about it?

Thanks for reading.

 

From what you told us, I feel like there may be four possibilities:

1. He's gay, but he's dating his girlfriend because he wants to cover up the fact that he is gay. He said he was bisexual because he felt as if it were more accepted than being fully gay, but took it back because he was afraid. Or, he is dating her because she is an exception, or he only recently found out he was gay, after he was already in a relationship.

2. He's bi, but he just took it back because he was afraid or felt like it wasn't a good idea.

3. He's straight, just really affectionate and/or trusts you, and everything he said ("not yet"/"I'm bi") was really just a joke.

4. He's straight, but with an exception. It may explain the "not yet" remark. He's falling for you, so he may see that as 'going gay for you' -- or something like that.

There's other possibilities (and explanations) but I can't exactly think of them right now. In any case, I personally think it depends on how he said things.

When he said he was bi, did he sound serious? When he took it back, did he sound nervous? When he said "not yet," was it in a joking tone, or was he serious then too?

 

Thanks for the reply. When he said he was bi, he certainly seemed serious to me, and everybody who was there at the time just kind of accepted it as truth till he said he was joking about it. He didn't sound very nervous when he took it back though.

He seemed pretty serious when he said "not yet" to me. I kinda chuckled a little after he said it though, just in case he was joking.

The possibilities you see all seem possible to me. I feel like I should ask him about it, but I asked him about being bi once and he told me that it depended on his girlfriend, and the conversation didn't go any further. I'm afraid if I talk to him about it he would put a stop to the affection, and I don't think I want that to happen just yet if it does have to happen eventually.

 

When taking things back, it's not always necessarily a nervous move, but if he said those things seriously, I felt like it would be very difficult to if he was joking. But, it's possible.

I think the best way is to ask him. Yeah, he can lie, but that's the only way you'll know for sure.

Does he know that you're gay?

 

He knows I'm gay. I came out a few months ago by hanging a pride flag above my bed, so all of the people living here know I'm gay. We also have conversations about it a lot, so he definitely knows. I'm pretty sure he knows I like him too, just by the way I act with him, but I haven't officially told him about that. I think you're probably right about needing to talk to him about it to really know, but like I said, I don't want to lose what we have now by bringing it up. How would I approach him to even ask? He didn't really take any prompting the two times he's told me he isn't gay, so how do I bring it up?

 

If you feel like he knows about how you feel towards him, but he isn't stopping you from doing anything, it's probably safe to assume that he's okay with it.

Do you think he's conscious of being perceived as gay? If he is, despite his sexuality, he's probably going to randomly say it again. When he does, you can take that as an opportunity to ask or tell.

 

I hadn't thought of that. He certainly doesn't tell me to stop most of the time. There's been once or twice when I got a little handsy that hes told me to stop. But those times I was touching his junk pretty blatantly, so I guess that makes a bit of sense.

I think he does know that people think he's gay. A lot of the hand holding and cuddling happens in the presence of our other friends, and they occasionally mention stuff about it. One friend in particular often notices us and says, "you guys are so gay." It certainly gets brought up occasionally, and neither he or I generally say anything. We just keep doing our thing and let people say what they want.

I think I might try to talk to him about it next time he brings it up.

 

Haha, yeah, touching his junk will probably get that.

If you do, I hope it goes well. Good luck, if you need it.

 

Haha, it sure does.

And thanks, I'll try to keep this post updated as things progress.

 

I have a friend who's bi and he has a girlfriend, but I think it's mostly a romantic attraction between him. Your friend may have not decided himself, for some people it takes a long time to both find out and admit to themselves they aren't straight. Many think being anything but straight is wrong, and spend a long time in denial over it.

Be patient, if you let him know whichever way he swings it's cool with you, he might be more willing to open up.

 

Thanks for the reply blackhatguy. I think what you said makes sense, but I'm not sure how to let him know that I'm ok with whatever he chooses. Would that just be something to tell him when we talk about it?... If we talk about it.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure how often the topic just happens to come up, but if it did, I'd let him know whatever he is, gay, straight, bi, anything in between, if he isn't sure, whatever his orientation, it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it, and you don't have any problems with it either. In this case, it might be more important for him to know you're okay if he's straight. Who knows, he might be afraid of disappointing you.

 

That makes sense. I'll be sure to mention it when the topic comes up.

 

A little update:

Yesterday me, my crush (I'll call him J) and another friend (I'll call him L) were hanging out in J's room. I wanted to show them a video of this Pennsylvania treasurer that killed himself on television in the 80s (it's pretty crazy, look up Budd Dwyer if you're interested. It's really graphic though so be warned). Anyway, J was sitting in a chair so I sat in front of him on the floor and leaned against his legs. I stayed there a while after we watched the video and J ended up playing with my ear a bit. When he did L asked if he was bi, and J just said, "maybe".

The weird thing is his gf was on facetime during this entire ordeal. Maybe he's expressed to her that he's confused?

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I'm waiting for the topic of his sexuality to come up when we are alone to ask him about it, hopefully it won't be too much longer.

Thanks for reading.

 

That sounds encouraging. Could be he hasn't decided, could be he didn't feel comfortable admitting in front of his gf.

Good luck!

 

Sounds like me at his age: Still trying to figure out who you are, and more importantly, trying to come to terms with it. When I was initially struggling with my sexuality but very much attracted to a gay friend (your story actually reminds me a lot of that period of my life) I did similar things just as a way to see if I really had feelings toward guys.

It's quite possible he's straight, or bi, or maybe completely gay and still in denial. Perhaps your friend wants to experiment with girls to see if he really does find them attractive. Then again, maybe he could be looking to do the same with you (or another guy) to see if he really is attracted to males.

Purely anecdotal, but most "completely straight" people I know don't do those things with other people of the same sex. But then again, some people are just massive flirts.

 

Guitar:
Yeah, I've never known a straight person to behave this way either. I'm glad that you had similar experiences, it makes me feel less crazy. Hopefully he is gay, and not just the one straight guy in the world that's okay with being so intimate with a guy.

Blackhatguy:
I'm taking it as a good sign.

Update:
This week is turning out to be pretty great. We went to the beach yesterday and made sand junk. Yeah, we're kinda silly but who cares. L accidentally threw sand in J's mouth and J said that he didn't want sand in his mouth. L then said that J wanted, "[my name]'s junk in his mouth." And that just kinda sat there with nobody really commenting on it, so I just said, "Hey!" to L and nothing else was mentioned.

J also facetimed his gf again, while me, L, and another friend E (who's a girl) were in the room. I was talking to his gf and said that E was my hag, just being silly. When his gf found out what that meant, she made a hurt face (also jokingly), so J said it was ok, and that his gf could be his hag... It was mostly in a joking way, but maybe it has some truth in it. Maybe I'm grasping at straws.

Later we watched a movie and just held hands through most of it. It was pretty nice.

I think we are planning on going to the beach again today, so maybe I'll have more to report tomorrow.

What to you guys, gals, and everyone in between think? Any questions? comments? Anyone so terribly bored they never wanna read anything by me again?

As always, thanks for reading.

 

Any physical contact I've had with guys has been, far as I know, exclusively heterosexual in nature. No holding hands during movies, more like the occasional bro hug or falling asleep on my shoulder during a long car ride.

So it sounds like while he may not be sure himself, there's a very good possibility you're friend is not straight

 

Thanks for the reply blackhatguy.

Maybe the last update: :/

It looks like I've read him wrong this whole time. I just got back from walking with him for a few hours to go return something at a store, and have lunch. On the way back to campus I asked if he was bi, I just came right out and said, "[his name], are you bi?" And he kinda gave me a weird look and said that it was a weird question, and that he was as straight as a pencil. Me being an optimist said, "well you can bend a pencil". He just said that he was 100% straight, and then apologized. We spent the rest of the walk back mostly in silence. I shut myself in my room instead of going back to his like I usually do, and idk when I'll come back out. I really like him, and none of what he does really seems straight.

What do I do now?

Thanks for reading.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, there's always a chance that he is totally straight, but from my point of view, that doesn't seem like the case. If he were straight and realized he was leading a friend on, then he would do something to put a stop to it.

I think it's been clear that he's confused/in denial, and the problem with people in this state is that if they are confronted, they will deny it completely. They have to come to terms with their sexuality on their own terms, and it can take a long time.

I suggest taking some time apart and sort out your feelings. Hopefully he will work through his issues as well in the meanwhile, but either way, I think it's best for you to readjust your expectations.