Forgive me for venting/ranting in advance, but I have stuff weighting on me. Plus, it is also a long story that I just cannot get out of my head and am relapsing back to. A couple of years ago I moved to the UK to study in a good British university to join my boyfriend who left to there a year before me. Everything was fine until he had to leave for his placement abroad. I made friends with a guy who was considerably younger than I am and it was nice until he started to become excessively touchy - placing his head on my shoulder, brushing against me sometimes. I tried to dismiss this as being the "British Way" or part of the lad culture, although it made me feel uncomfortable. Time went by, weeks, months and there were episodes where his touching became more direct in a way - patting the back of my head, placing his hand on my bum, touching my arms when nobodies watching. Caught him staring at me for a couple of times. Never came out to him as gay and stood faithful to my boyfriend, trying to be friendly and polite to the guy but also reserved. The confusing part of this is that I had a really good time with him by simply conversing. He's an amazing person, well liked by his peers and really attractive too and with my boyfriend being in another country, me feeling lonley, I started to develop feelings for him, feelings I did not have for my boyfriend. But there is a catch - the guy is deeply religious, Catholic and has a girlfriend which is confusing. Goes to Mass every Sunday, prays a couple times a day, carries a prayer book with him, religious educations, religious friends.. After his every attempt to be close and alone with me, he has always taken a step back. I came out to him later after which he sent me a Bible verse.. Weeks after asking me how gay sex works. Again - confusing. Our communication ended after having lunch together, where he asked if him touching (the exact phrase was "poking") my lips would freak me out. I was so.. shocked by his directness that aI said - that I certainly would be, which made him recoil and we have never properly spoken about it or about anything again. It happened 9 months ago and I still cannot get it out of my head. He left the uni for a year and I miss him so much. I have tried to get in touch with him but he is avoiding me and obviously does not want to see me or Skype with me. I am feeling so awful about myself - I am still together with my boyfriend who loves me, is cute and a nice guy. We are making plans for our future together but I just cannot get that guy out of my head. I have deleted is phone number and removed him from FB and Skype, but still when I get out of bed - every morning I think of him wishing I could kiss him, hug him and talk to him..but he is out of my reach and I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I cannot bring myself to break up with my boyfriend, as he has a lot on his plate right now and after all these years loves me more than ever. I feel so miserable, stupid, worn out. Partly, because I was not able to sort things out when it mattered with someone who is possibly the love of my life whom I have come to love but too late and also because I refuse to break my boyfriends heart.. someone who has been accepted into my family and has become a part of it. Still, as time goes by I see no end to it. No matter what I do, those feeling won't pass. I am graduating this summer and moving to somewhere else, yet I already feel there is unfinished business remaining here.. I don't know what to do and I want to put this behind me badly.
Your feelings for this other guy seemed to develop during a period of separation from your boyfriend and even though you didn't respond to his advances or pursue anything with him you have this lingering feeling of what could have been or might have been. But could it really? On mature reflection, do you really suppose he would have set aside everything with his girlfriend etc. to have taken things to another level with you? I'm not asking this to be unkind, but it seems (to me at least) that he was teasing you and pushing the boundaries of curiousity. If you had taken things further, it's possible, or even probable that he would have backed off or even recoiled. To some extent that happened anyway. As it stands you have this persistent feeling that you didn't take a chance and the more you are aware of it, the more you regret it and long for it. I've mentioned before that it's like being on a restricted diet; when you know something is 'forbidden' on the diet, like chocolate or cake you become even more aware of it and you end up craving it all the more. Suddenly you have a voracious appetite for those forbidden foods. If you were not on the diet and all of these things were within reach, you'd probably not show as much interest... but realising it (in this case, he) is out of reach you want him all the more. It's really like wanting what you can't have. It's human nature really. When something seems out of reach, you want it even more. Does that make any sense? So try to consider these points and see if it makes sense to the situation you find yourself in. By your own admission, you have a boyfriend who loves you, who is cute and a nice guy, so in many ways you have got what so many people yearn for and I can't help but think that you are focusing on the wrong person now. Stay grounded and focus on what you have, rather than on something that offered only the remotest of possibilities at a different time/circumstance.
