keeping the secret for too long. Becoming unbearable.

First post here
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just venting.
I'm 40 and never came out to my family as pansexual. Only to a few friends in my 30s.
I only dated guys but just for a couple of months. The only long term relationship I had lasted 2 years (this was 3 years ago), and I don't even think I was in love with him. I was very attracted to him, in spite of not having much chemistry between us.
I did fall in love with guys but they never reciprocated and I moved on, eventually falling out of love.
I also believe one can love more than one person. If I was lucky in the love department, I'm polyamorous, I guess.

I'm adding this cause around when I was 15, I fell in love with a bit younger girl, we were friends until our mothers got into a fight and stopped seeing her after that.
At that time I was painfully shy and non rebellious, I also have mild cp, so besides not picking up the phone to call her, I couldn't sneak out, grab a bike and go see her.

As I grew older, I've changed, moved out on my own and became more outgoing. 10 years ago I tracked her new address and wrote her a letter. I never got a response.

I continued to date guys and find the occasional girl attractive, though I never acted on it (even knowing if they were bi or gay), out of fear of family and friends finding out.

Last year I found my friend on Facebook, with a guy partner of 8 years and two kids. As excited as I was, my heart sunk thinking of all the years of friendship I missed, and maybe having the opportunity of knowing early on, if she was bi or not. And of course building up the courage throughout the years to tell her I loved her.


When we finally got together recently, it was very emotional for me. We're getting to know each other all over again. Can't help to wonder, if she's bi, and even in an open relationship and/or poly. I know it's a long shot, I can't expect anything now, and I'm not, but I feel I need to tell her how I feel. Just that. I want her to be happy, whomever she's with. I'm afraid to scare her off though. I'm torn. Her friendship is very important to me. Then again, I've had these feelings for almost all my life, like she's the love of my life, without being it. If that makes sense.

 

Tell her how you feel. She may feel the same way. She is never going to know how you feel unless you tell her.

 

Put your crush in the context of "I used to be so in love with the idea of being with you..." or something like that, if you do tell her.

I've lately been trying to find my best friend from when I was 12 to see how he's turned out (since for some reason all I remember is being naked with him, my ___ being hard as a rock at 11, and having a big crush on his dreamy tan athletic body with surfer hair.) Just to see how he's doing, maybe fill in some of the blanks in my memory. I can't imagine what I would do if he were gay/bi, available, and a more mature version of the kid I fell for.

 

Thanks guys!
I always felt so alone not being able to be myself around family and friends.


Kindy, it would be awesome if you find your friend. Best of luck!