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Thought I was straight..now I'm dating a girl

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rose135, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. rose135

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    Hi all,

    I'm so confused about everything and really need some outside perspective on things. I'll keep this as short as possible.

    Growing up, I was always sure I was straight. I had crushes on boys starting in 4th grade--heart pounding, sweaty palms, giggling when they're around, the usual stuff. I had crushes all through high school, but I never dated anyone or had any sort of sexual experiences. In college I had one major crush, a guy in my year who I liked for 2 years (but went out with my best friend so nothing happened). I kissed a couple of boys but never did anything sexual or had much desire to.

    I started dating when I graduated college, when I was about 22 (I'm currently almost 24). I went out with about 5-6 guys, either from online or who I met randomly. I always ended up breaking things off with them after about 3 dates, just about when things would start to get sexual. My reasons were usually "a personality thing" or "just not attracted to them". I never felt much toward these guys, and felt bad that they liked me more than I liked them. Kissing was nice and I fooled around with one guy, but I never wanted to do anything more.

    But then, in the December of last year, I suddenly realized I had a crush on a girl in one of my grad classes. I had been "noticing" her all semester, but one day it dawned on me that I actually liked her, didn't think she was just a cool person. I felt all warm and bubbly inside everytime she talked in class and couldn't stop staring at her. I also started to have sexual fantasies about her, something that had never really happened before. This led me to start questioning my sexuality. I began to remember a few other girls from my past who I was also "fascinated" with and could possibly have had crushes on.

    So, when I decided I wanted to experiment with girls to help clear things up, I joined an online dating site and went out with a few girls. At the end of January I started going out with this one girl. I figured it would never turn into something, but it has. I really, really like her and we've been dating about 2 months now. We've had sex and it was a little rough at first but now it's very enjoyable. *blushes*

    The problem is, I want to be with her and keep seeing her, but I just cannot accept being anything other than straight. Partially because I've had so many crushes on boys in my past, so I don't see how I could be gay and have that history. Secondly, I'm just not comfortable with it. My family is very conservative and I know they want me to end up with a nice man and live the white picket fence life. I can't stop thinking about all the things I'd be giving up by being with a woman.

    I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can be gay, but I've also never felt this way about anyone before. I'm afraid to lose something really great by breaking up with her. A part of me wishes I had never met her, because then I wouldn't know how great things could be (which sounds depressing, I know). I just feel so stuck and confused. She's not pressuring me to come out, but I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself. I'm afraid of continuing things because I don't want to "end up gay" but I don't want to break up with her because she makes me so happy.

    Sorry this is so long!! I would appreciate any advice anyone has. I didn't know which forum to post this in so I hope this ok.
     
  2. ShatteredLove

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    well, from what you've written, you could be a bisexual, which means that you have sexual/romantic feelings for both girls and guys. (it doesn't have to be equal) maybe take a look at the kinsey scale? i find it kind of helpful. i know what you mean by not necessarily being able to accept your true sexuality, it does take awhile depending on what you really are, me i bounced back and forth between being bisexual and lesbian for awhile, and I've confirmed being lesbian. (by that, yes i have had a few kid crushes on one or 2 boys, but I've found that they weren't real after awhile) but being gay isn't a bad thing at all, it's perfectly normal. maybe just keep looking into your sexuality, and search up a list of different ones, you may find one that you identify with. After awhile when you fully decide what you are, maybe try to get your family's input on the LGBT+ community, maybe just bring it up casually and see what they say, even if they aren't fully on board, it does take awhile to get used to for certain families. i wish you luck! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Emily1

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    Regardless of whether you are bisexual or a lesbian, you are into girls and you need to be okay with that. Having said that, acceptance rarely comes easily or fast. I think you just need time for it to sink in, it's a lot of new information to process. Also, you should be honest with your gf and tell her about your insecurities, chances are she went through something similar and can help you through it. Feeling confused in the process of acceptance is nothing to be ashamed of, it's actually very normal!
     
  4. heanic

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    Wow this is me 3 years ago n im 28 now and only just comfortable with who i am. I did the same with boys as u did..it took a long time before i admitted i had real crushes on women not just fascinations. And when i realised i told myself id never come out to my family because they would never accept it..now i have a gf and all but my mum have accepted it and like my gf..its just a matter of taking things day by day..and enjoy being with this girl. It's not everyday u meet someone u connect with, and she seems pretty supportive :slight_smile:
     
  5. scouse

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    Had similar experience. Including the denial, it took me a few years to accept things, but everyone is different. It is normal though in the early stages to not particularly want to be gay and to be fearful of 'letting' it progress there. I'd have done anything at one stage to not allow it but eventually realised that I had to embrace it or forever be at war with myself. That said, it's okay to keep an open mind and take your time understanding what you need in relationships. Be open with your partner about your fears if you can. If it does turn out that you're all for girls then part of the acceptance process will involve grieving for the straight life you perhaps envisioned. Having been there and done that, I'd say in the end its totally worth it for the happiness that comes with acceptance. Can honestly say I wouldn't change it for anything now! So, be brave and take your time is the best advice I could give you.

    Edit to add: I also thought my family would not accept, and whilst it wasn't the easiest ride they got there in the end, pretty much.
     
    #5 scouse, Mar 18, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2015
  6. Aspen

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    Sexuality isn't always black and white, gay and straight. In that same vein, being bisexual doesn't mean being attracted to men half the time and women the other half. It might be 70/30 or 80/20 or even 95/5. It may take time for you to figure things out and that's okay. Don't feel pressured to put a label on yourself if that's not what you want.

    I always thought I was straight growing up too. I had crushes exclusively on boys (with one exception that I didn't realize was one until years later, but that's another story) and only two boyfriends that were never all that serious (one in high school, one freshman year of college). My family is entirely Catholic so if other sexualities were mentioned it was always in a negative light.

    Then, a year and a half ago, I started talking to this girl online. We talked all the time, we flirted, and I developed feelings for her. When I found out she returned those feelings, I didn't know what to do. We avoided it for a while but eventually I told her that I wanted to try dating her. We celebrated our one-year anniversary last November. My family doesn't know and I'm not looking forward to telling them (I want to be financially independent first), but it's worth it. She's worth it.