I've fallen really hard for someone and I hate myself for it. I have enough self-esteem issues as it is. I'm 20 trying to get into college to one day (I really hope) to be in the FBI and I'm a feminine lezzy. She's 28 and was in the army. She went to Iraq twice and has a half sleeve tattoo about it. Just the sound of her voice makes me super happy. But, other than the fact that I think she's straight, she's kind of like.... a 'caretaker' for me and she only works every other weekend. I know I can never be with this person let alone having to hide everything. But, it hurts a lot. I've gotten the advice to just stop being around her but I can't. When she works I am happy just sitting in the same room. Happier than I have been in a long time. Though it's excruciatingly painful at the same time. I think about her all the time and I'm a creative person, so, I secretly write and draw about her, too. I've been going through a lot of emotional stress on top of this and trying to come out. My grandma needs heart surgery. I'm living in poverty you could say. I'm being mistreated by my therapy people that are supposed to help me with my trauma flashbacks. I cut myself last week and Sunday night I was so dehydrated that I could have died and I felt happy with the idea of dying in her presence, but, she got me to drink water. I went to the hospital Monday and I'm in a crisis center some emotional help getting help, but, I guess what I need is to figure out how to deal with this feeling as painlessly as possible (so, she doesn't get affected by my feelings), even if it's the only thing that makes me feel even a bit happy right now. I feel so alone....
Oh hun, you can't deal with this just by yourself. And you certainly aren't alone in how you are feeling. Unrequited love is my albatross. I can fall in love with a person at a snap, and be willing to give them my whole life. Currently working through those issues. If she is a caretaker for you, bare your soul to someone else in a professional setting. That is what is going to help you the most. Scary as sharing can be, it usually helps put your feelings and emotions in perspective and context.
I think you should consider coming out to her. You say you're out to people you are closest to. Why not her? It will be tough, but you will lose all the fear of rejection, which helps fuel your anxiety. Also, keep doing things on your own that aren't harmful, like drawing and writing. If you think you're focusing too much on her, then try drawing more abstractly. Try also going outdoors to enjoy nature without a clear purpose. It's good for your health, mentally and physically. Crisis centers are just bandaids to stop bleeding, not for long term wound healing. Try to find a more stable situation with a mental health counselor (not really a psychiatrist because they're expensive and often too quick to medicate rather than talk).
