I have tried a couple different sites before trying this one. I just don't know what to do. Every site I go to frowns upon me and says things to spite me. I know I'm not good with words a lot of times but I can't be that bad that people would lash out at me. I have been married to my husband for two years now, we dated for a year before that and have known each other a total of 4 years. I love them to the end of the world and back. She recently came out to me as wanting to be my wife. At first I didn't know how to react. I shrugged it off and said it was whatever. I'd love her no matter what. But I have never been in this situation before. I've dated women before, but there was a reason I stopped dating them. It just wasn't for me. It was fun, and I loved each and every one of them, but I just couldn't see myself growing old with a woman. As I type this, tears fall from my cheeks. I feel so stupid and selfish. I feel lost and ashamed. I don't want to leave her. I want to be with her till death do us part. But I don't know If I can stay after the transition. I keep telling myself she won't change. She's the same person and always will be. But at night, when we lay together I cry. I don't know why. One day I feel like everything will be ok. I can do this. WE can do this. But then the next day I'm on another support site trying to find help. I've talked to her about it and she tells me she won't do any of it. She will stay a man for me. But I will NOT let her do that. I cannot let her deny herself for me. I want her to be happy. I need her to be happy. She is my everything But it doesn't feel right sometimes. I hate myself for the thoughts I have. People tell me "love is love, she will be the same person why would you think of leaving?" I don't have the answer. I don't want to I'm just so damn confused. I know she's hurting and I don't want that for her. Am I so terrible of a person? One person even told me to "go fuck myself and just get the damn divorce over with." That one hurt the most. So how can that hurt me yet I have doubts that it will work out?? I feel like if I had known before we got married that I would feel different. I'd have at least come into the marriage knowing how she felt. Not years later when I'm thinking of having children. We can't afford operations AND kids. But that's a whole different story all together. I'm lost, confused, and don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want her to worry about me. She already has so much to worry about as it is. Please. Someone give me advice, kind words, anything.
First off, those rude replies from other people are not what you need to take seriously. I see nothing wrong with anything you've said. I even want to praise you for wanting her to transition regardless of the outcome, it's amazing that you care so much about her happiness and her ability to be her true self. As for advice, it's hard to say because I don't know where you stand on your sexuality, or if you yourself know. You say you've dated women, but also that it hasn't worked. Is it that you aren't sexually attracted to women? Sometimes we have the ability to fall in love romantically with someone, but if the physical part just isn't there, it's harder than we'd like to admit to make it work. However, if you are attracted to women and identify somewhere on the bisexual scale, it may just be some kind of internalized homophobia? Not to say I think you are actually in any way homophobic or transphobic, but you said you just couldn't picture growing old with a woman. And I think this is common for a lot of people when they are dealing with accepting they are bi or gay. It sometimes takes a lot of work to push through that image society places on us, where it's hard for us to picture really being with someone of the same-sex permanently. I mean, what elderly gay couples do we have to look up to? It's a new image, it's not what we're used to seeing, and sometimes that's scary and makes it hard to picture it for ourselves. So I can't say for sure what you are feeling or what the outcome will be, but I think you need to identify if it's a lack of sexual attraction towards women, or just that weird sort of wall you hit when you think of a future with a woman. That's your first task. If the attraction isn't really there, you need to discuss this with your partner and decide where to go from there, because it won't be easy. (I'm a girl who just realized that my almost four-year relationship with a man is not going to work for me, because though I love him very much romantically, I realized I am just not attracted to men and can't keep trying to be. So I can relate to the struggle there, but it also is unique to the person and the kind of relationship you both have/want.) If sexual attraction to women is not the problem, talk to her about it and figure out a course of action. Maybe if she wore girl clothes more often and you got used to the idea of being in a life-long partnership with a girl? You could do it in steps, to realize it's the same person, and you can feel just as happy and normal being married to a woman. Whatever the case is, I hope you and her are both able to find happiness
