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Dating someone who isn't out.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ninagrrl, Mar 21, 2015.

  1. Ninagrrl

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    So I recently started dating this woman. She's wonderful and amazing. I have a hard time making eye contact with people due to having a severe anxiety disorder and she is one of only 4 people in my entire life that I have felt comfortable enough to make eye contact. She also is almost everything I could ever want in a partner.

    Almost. She isn't out to a large portion of her family and isn't okay with any form of PDA (even holding hands) in front of her daughter. I respect these boundaries but it is an issue with me. We have only ever spent time together with her daughter around. I am a very affectionate person by nature and I can't show my affection towards her and can't acknowledge that she is my gf on social media sites like facebook.

    I really want to try and find a way past this because she is worth trying to get over my issues to be with her. I know that I have to be patient but I'm not a very patient person.

    I am so frustrated because all I want to do is express how intense my feeling are to her and I'm unable to do that.

    :bang:
     
  2. Aspen

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    That sounds like a rough situation. It's the reverse for me, girlfriend completely out and me buried in the closet, so I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence. Have you talked to her about the possibility of coming out? Does she plan to come out to the rest of her family (and especially her daughter) soon? Or is it going to be a long-term thing? Knowing that she has a plan could ease your mind a bit.

    Also would it be possible to spend time with her away from her daughter and family, somewhere she doesn't have to hide? Whenever I'm with my girlfriend at her place or with her friends, we can be completely open. I think it helps, having that slice of freedom.
     
  3. guitar

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    When I was dating a guy about 2 years ago I had only just come out to a few people and he completely closeted to his friends and family. That caused a lot of issued because it meant we could only ever be ourselves alone, but not in the company of anyone. It made going to the mall, movies, or whatever else slightly less fun because you always have that nagging thought in the back of your mind.

    In my present relationship it's very much the inverse. I'm out to a good number of family members and friends, but not everyone. It does cause some issues. I'm also not the most comfortable with PDA, but I've slowly resolved to getting better (I have no issues with a goodbye kiss in public for example).

    I would say give her time, but do tell her how it makes you feel. Ask if she does intend on coming out.
     
  4. Ninagrrl

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    We have plans to go out to a bar for karaoke tomorrow night and then maybe a hotel room so we can be alone from distractions to talk or do whatever. I'm not even talking about sexual intimacy because neither of us are quite ready for that, but we just want alone time.

    I think it stems from something that happened last night. We took both of our kids (3 all together) for a walk so we could talk and I had expressed that I really wanted to kiss her and she told me she wanted to to. So then when I get the chance to kiss her, I made the move. It's a big deal for me as I don't make moves often but this wasn't a first kiss, it was the second. She didn't push me away but didn't really kiss back and then told me she likes to kiss but usually when it's going to lead to more. I felt rejected and hurt but I never voiced this. I had just spend the better part of 2 hours with her and it had built up to this moment and it left be feeling empty.

    I know I need to talk to her but it's hard to have a deep and meaningful conversation with someone when there are a million interruptions. I'm just going to have to wait to see how Sunday night goes.
     
  5. Ninagrrl

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    So I decided to go see her tonight and we talked. Things are much better and it turns out that some of it was mixed signals. Tomorrow night is actually our first date.
     
  6. dano218

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    My first serious relationship was with a guy who was not exactly out to his family his entire family for good reasons. IT was a healthy, loving relationship full of understanding and commitment and also had pda. Of course it was made easier by living far away from family but it worked out well until he passed away. So it can work as long there is good communication and understanding in the relationship.

    The only problems I would look out for and I am thinking way into this if she dies the family may try to control everything leaving you out of the picture. The arrangements and everything else so if it gets to that point you and your partner may need to take the steps to protect her rights. That is the only problem that may exist down the line if she doesn't come out to her family at all. But all i am saying from experience a healthy relationship can exist in this situation. Communication is the key.
     
  7. Ninagrrl

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    Well, her and I believe in a similar philosophy that you should pretty much put it all out there once it is established that there is mutual interest. We have talked about what we need from life and are extremely compatible or at the very least open to discussing things at a future date. We have talked about gay marriage and live in a state that currently supports gay marriage. We have distant plans to move to the east coast and that is also a consideration in choosing a place to live. Her and I both want to find someone, settle down and eventually get married and so I'm fairly certain that legal documents would be drawn up for that reason exactly. From what I got, it's not that she has an issue with coming out, she is out for the most part; it's that she just doesn't want to deal with the drama that comes with it with her father and her grandmother. From what I understand her grandmother has health problems so it could be detrimental to her health. Her father she doesn't care that much, just that he would always be in her face about it being a sin. So it's really only 2 specific people. This makes it easier. She's just in a strange place in her life and has been scatter brained and emotionally drained lately.

    So an update. Date night. Not all that much happened physically even though I went prepared for anything (yeah, I groomed). Anyway. We talked a lot. She was very physically affectionate and a lot more open without her daughter around. Every time I'm around her I think that there is no way that I could possibly find out even more reasons to like her and she surprises me. I have never been so in sync with another person in my life and I barely know this woman. I feel like I have missed her my entire life and I didn't even know it until I met her. If that is what a soul mate feels like when you meet them then I can't deny the potential that I may have met mine. Only time will tell. It's just taking all my will power to really take this slow, enjoy my time getting to know her and to let things happen naturally. But she's worth it.