Okay, so I posted a thread last night about having to go to church. It ended up not being as bad as I thought, it just gave me a lot of anxiety. I felt like I did not belong there, but I didn't so that was expected. Lunch was fine, visiting my sister was fine. Everything I thought would be bad went okay. Turns out the car ride was the worst of all! We were riding home from this really long day, and we started talking about Fast and Furious 7 and the late Paul Walker. And my other sister pulled up his picture and was like "isn't he so hot?" and I was like "he is okay, he has nice facial bone structure." Then she proceeded to look up "hot" guys and ask me what I thought. And then I didn't think Channing Tatum was hot (which he seriously isn't, someone back me up here!) Then my sister said, "Pull up someone you think is attractive." I started internally freaking out, because I couldn't pull up Cara or Karlie like I want. So, I was like "uhhhhh....idk" and my sister said "okay, seriously there is something wrong with you." and I was about to say something like "oh, just because I don't think the same people are hot as society does, there's something wrong with me?" But I didn't get to say that because my mom started to speak and she said; "Just as long as she doesn't like girls, I'm good." I had no idea what to say or do so I just laughed it off. Good thing I was sitting in the very back where no one could see me because that laugh didn't last very long. I was almost instantly overcome with an overwhelming sadness. Because know I know for sure that my family will never accept that I like girls and they will view it as there being something wrong with me. It is just really upsetting, you know? How am i supposed to deal with it? what do i do in situations like that? Am I going to have to start just lying about things? Any help would be appreciated... :icon_sad::tears::help:
That is upsetting. I'm sorry. I used to hate those awkward conversations about guys. I used to just smile and nod about some of them, because they were attractive. I just wasn't attracted to them in that way. So, I wasn't exactly lying (something I suck at), but I was helping people believe what they already believed by default: that I was into dudes. It was still uncomfortable, but it did keep people from questioning my sexuality when I wasn't ready to deal with those questions. And about the comment your mom made... My mom used to say some upsetting things too. Gay PDA on tv and whatnot grossed her out. And, in her words, lesbian PDA was "much, much worse -instert disgusted mom face here-." That hurt. And that's just one example out of many. I thought she would be disappointed in me and too weirded out to even look at me if I ever told her. But, when I finally told her, it wasn't a big deal at all. Now she doesn't say anything even vaguely homophobic anymore. You're mom and you're situation (being in a very religious household) are totally different, but that doesn't mean she won't surprise you. There are parents that change their opinions on homosexuality when they find out their kid is gay, regardless of their religion. So, don't completely give up hope yet. Someday in the future, even if you end up feeling like its best to wait until you are off on your own and financially independent first, there is a chance that coming out to them won't be as bad as you expect.
I will most likely wait until I am off on my own and financially independent not because of my mother, but my father. He will most likely want to send me somewhere so I can get "help" to rid my soul of this "terrible" thing. Like, he wouldn't let us go in to target for like 2 years because they donated money to a LGBT organization. I hope my parents will accept me for who I am and not want to change me, but before they know my sexuality I need to be more confident in it and not want to change it myself.
First and foremost, you are AWESOME and don't let anyone, including family, tell you otherwise I can relate to your situation. Your story brought to mind one particular situation I was in about a year ago. My great grandma has Alzheimer's and we went to visit her. Naturally, she asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no and watched my parents faces to read what they were thinking since I'm still in the closet. Well, problem was, she couldn't remember my answer only a few minutes later. So she kept asking and asking, poor thing, it wasn't her fault. Situations like this and the one you mentioned are all too common unfortunately. My mom has also said some nasty things about homosexuality in the past and even just yesterday actually. It stings every time, and every time I get pushed deeper and deeper into the closet as I'm sure you feel. How do I cope with the sadness? Music. Music. And more music. And another thing: YOUTUBE. There are SOOO many great LGBT YouTubers whose goals are to make people happy. MarkE Miller really helped me normalize my emotions and helped me become comfortable enough to start telling two friends. I would suggest you look on YouTube for support, too. Part of me is sad that I'll probably never meet Mark to thank him for all he has done in my life just by posting videos. Hopefully this advice will help you cope with the negativity from your family. If you wallow in the negativity, you will start to think badly of yourself, and we can't have that!
LGBT youtubers have literally saved me! They are pretty much the only thing that makes me smile, Tyler Oakley, GiGi Gorgeous, Shannon and Cammie, Rose and Rosie, Connor Franta....The list could go on and on and on! I also get what you mean when you said you get pushed deeper and deeper into the closet every time something bad is said about LGBT stuff...I have honestly thought about when I turn 18 and graduate high school just leaving my family and never coming back. I feel like that they would be less disappointed then, than if I came out as a lesbian.
I was accepted into my first choice college a month ago and graduating in May. No one else from my high school was able to get accepted at the university, so I will be able to get a completely fresh start! I've already started telling the friends I meet through the Class of 2019 page that I'm gay. That way I can't force myself back into the closet once I get there. I hope everything works out for you in the long run!
