Hey all, Long time lurker, first time poster and absolutely LOVE this forum My girlfriend and I have been together for 13 months and have an exclusive, monogamous relationship. A few days ago we were discussing the possibility of living together this fall when her lease is up, and due to that conversation a lot of weird feelings and revelations came up. I was explaining to her that to me living together is very similar to marriage, and I take it very seriously. My girlfriend has brought up marriage a few times over the last year, however a few days after she mentions marriage she'll back track and say, "nevermind, I shouldn't have brought it up because I'm not ready" or "I wasn't too serious about it" etc. It's weird and annoying because for me, she is the one and up until a few days ago I thought she felt the same about me. She's always calling me her soulmate, talks about what we'll be like in our old age together, etc. But when the moving in together topic came up and we discussed how I feel as though it's extremely serious, she said that she isn't sure that I'm the one after all. To her moving in together is less of a big deal than how I feel about it. We've decided not to live together until we both can agree on what living together would mean for us and the relationship. I told her I wasn't comfortable shacking up with someone indefinitely. She knows that I want to get married someday, and although she has brought it up, she admits she spoke too soon about it. I'm pretty heartbroken at this point and not sure what to do... I don't want to wait around for her to make up her mind, knowing she could ultimately decide that I'm not right for her. I do love her, but now I'm questioning the relationship. Is there a point to being exclusive with someone who isn't sure about you? I definitely don't want to pressure her or make her feel bad about it... You can't feel what you don't feel after all, but I don't want to waste my time waiting around for her to decide what she feels about me.
Let me just say, that I am sorry that you have to go through this. But I can fully understand your situation. Moving in with someone means different things to different people. Let me just tell you it changes your relationship, it can be great! But also it can make your relationship much more mundane and find yourself not going out and spending real quality time together. I can say this because I was with my boyfriend for 10 months before moving in together and we have been living together for about a year and 8 months now. That being said it sounds like you guys really care about each other. However, she has some reservations about the relationship. Like if you really are the one. Sometimes that takes more time to figure out especially in your twenties. This is something she needs to figure out, on her own, and she needs to be honest with herself as well as you on what she feels she needs from the relationship. If she can tell you this, then the relationship isn't a waste of time. She honestly may feel like there are missing qualities in you that she didn't know she needed or wanted in a partner. And sometimes that takes a while to figure out. Don't fret, she will figure it out. She sounds like she loves you and wants to get married at some point but wants to figure out if this relationship is what she wants forever and you unfortunately have to respect that but be honest with yourself too. Ask her what she wants in another person to be fully happy with them as well as herself. Tell her to be honest, and that it isn't going to hurt you, and that you are just trying to figure out what is best for you two. Best of luck, I would recommend holding off on moving in until you both can figure out if you are really each others indefinite soul mates and that she is 100% sure that she has everything, as well as you have everything, you both need out of the relationship. I hope everything goes well and most importantly just be honest about how you feel with her and tell her thats what you want too because it will make the relationship stronger.
She might just be unsure how she feels about the situation and possibly may not be ready. A year is still a very short time to be dating, and it can take some people more time to get really serious in the relationship. Of course, you can still feel that way and still be deeply in love (just like some people may love their partners after a year but feel unsure about having kids during this time).
