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Hopeless Crush

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by deadbluebells, Mar 28, 2015.

  1. deadbluebells

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    I started Sixth Form 8 months ago and have become friendly with a girl (who I'll call Emily) who is in two of the same classes as me. In the past couple of months I've found myself developing a crush on her. She has this way of talking that's just amazing; I could listen to her for hours, and she strangely seems to like talking to me as well. In the past few weeks I haven't gone a minute without thinking about her and every second just feels like waiting time, until I can see her again. Even if we're working in silence in class I am so, so happy just because I'm near her. I'm pathetic and ridiculous, basically.
    I recently found out that she's also bisexual, which should give me hope but it doesn't. There's just no reason why she would find me attractive; even if we get along I'm sure she gets on with other people way better. I'm can't make a move because I'm too shy, I've never been with anyone before in my life and I have no idea how it all comes together. I don't want to risk a potential friendship because of the 0.01% chance she might like me.
    I'm mainly terrified that she's going to end up dating one of my friends (I'll call her Mary) who is also bisexual. I've known her for years and she's basically everything I'm not - funny, intelligent, attractive. On top of that, she recently set up a Feminist group that Emily is a member of. They have a WhatsApp chat that I'm added to although I'm not part of the group because I have Maths class at the same time as their meetings. There are like 10 of them in this chat and I can just see Mary and Emily talking to each other and getting closer and closer and I feel so helpless. It's Easter break now so I won't see Emily for two weeks. It sounds ridiculous but I miss her so much! I don't have her number because I'm worried it would be weird for me to ask for it. I don't know if she sees us as being as friendly as I see us. We basically spent the whole of last Thursday together because we have the same lessons, and she came specially with me to the library with me to help me with work. She also sat with us ('us' being me and my friends, including Mary) at lunch and moved tables to sit with me in English (she said it was a better view of the board, though). At the end of the lesson, she kind of waited while I packed my bag as if she were waiting for me, but then just quickly said 'Have a good break' before leaving.
    Before I started crushing on her, I used to notice that she stared at me quite a lot. I think I've lost judgment now so I don't know if she still does. She's often complimented my appearance. She isn't nearly as physically close with me as she is with her other friends, but that may be my fault, I give off a kind of defensive vibe. She also apparently said to Mary that she likes my writing (we're in the same Creative Writing class) which made me much happier than it should have.
    I just hate myself for not being a generally better person I guess :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: and I can't stop kicking myself for not getting her number before the holidays. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next two weeks. How can I help us get closer, as friends if nothing else (I know how pointless it is to hope that she likes me).
    Sorry for the rant; I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life because all my friends either know her or aren't really the sort of people you talk to about this kind of thing. I really want to talk to Mary about the whole thing (leaving out all the jealousy stuff) but I feel so vulnerable letting anybody in on anything. She might just pity me.
    Thanks anyway.