Nobody cares that I'm transgender.

(*hug*) I'm sorry, that's really rough. You're not alone though, you can always come here for help. It sucks reading stuff online about other people with easy coming out stories, and then it doesn't always go that way. It is pretty big news, maybe your mom just needs some time to adjust to the idea?

 

Ouch.

First: The courage it took to do all of that is amazing. Hold on to that!

Second: If possible, you need a new therapist. One that has dealt and is comfortable dealing with trans patients, or at least LGB patients and is willing to learn. Here is one resource that might be helpful: Therapists I know your mom might not let you at this point, but just in case. *crossesfingersforyou*

Third: Give you mom time to come around, and find ways to let her know you know who you are. Try to be confident. I know it's hard, but if she sees that you're not budging, be might come around faster.

Fourth: Your friends. Frustrating. Super frustrating, but maybe don't write them off just yet. After all, you need your friends and they seem to accept you even if they are being complete idiots. They probably don't realize what exactly it means for you to be trans or what they should do. It would be awesome if they would take it upon themselves to learn, but you might have to be the one to teach them. Send another message, let them know you want and need their support and then tell them exactly what being trans means including that you want them to use the correct pronouns and call you by your preferred name (if you have one). Tell them if they have any questions or if they're not sure about something that it's okay to ask and you won't be offended. If they ARE trying give them time. It's hard for people to switch those things and they might mess up, just politely correct them when they do. However, if you do all that and they are not supporting you, they might not really be true friends.

 

I think it probably would. And you have us. (*hug*)

 

I am going to be very blunt with you not because i am trying to offend you but because your not seeing the gaps here.

First your friends. Your expections from your friends are quite high really. You wanted friends that will accept you for who you are and that is exactly what you got! You lost no one and have received no discrimination from them. Likewise your text to them in a group shows that you either a) don't care enough about their opinion to address this on an individual level or b) do not care enough about your identity to actually make it seem personal. The statement "I am transgender. Any questions?" Is a very loud statement. It bluntly gives the impression that I am this way and if you do not like it get out. You also have to recognize that they might be ignorant of this stuff. They have referred to you as "she" for as long as they known you. Things like this don't just switch to another direction by a statement. These are really good friends.

As for your mother. There is shock value to this. She doesn't understand what is going on with you and why you hate being a girl. Don't derail her for that because her shock is concern. You got a better reaction than seriously 90% of my transgender friends. Simply the fact that she is able to talk to you normally after that should mean A LOT to you. Parents enter into depression after hearing this stuff or become violent or avoid there children. Conversations can become awkward and seemed stifled because of it. Eventually of course they learn to cope but it's a rarity to get a reaction from a mother such as yours.

I also do believe you need a new therapist. A therapist should never force you to conform to a label or a mold. You should really find one that is LGBT educated and it can really help you.

I also want to target you in specific. Some of the statements you have mention concerns me about you. Like I have mentioned earlier it seems like you do not care about your identity. Along with blunt statement which shows no emotion or concern for their opinion, you have not mentioned once in this post about your actual identity. You told us what happened when you told people you a trans but failed to tell us how you recognized it in yourself, your struggle with it, your feeling of being a girl, etc. From this post, in my opinion, it shows a lack of care for your identity. I am also concerned how discardable you make it seems your friends are. Seriously though. Did you take any consideration on their feelings when you drop something like this? Then for you to take this statement, which shows again a lack of concern for their opinion and care for your sexual identity, and twist it to make it seem like they are bad people is messed up! These people have lives. They care about you and your well being but that does not mean they have to rush to their phones to respond your text or feel like they are stepping on shards of glass by every statement you make. It almost seems like you a using all of this for attention and unnecessary drama.

Like I said I hope I didn't offend you. If I did than I apologize. Like yourself, I can also be abbresive and speak my mind. I do not see much of a problem with the other around you. If you truly feel you are transgender than address the ignorance of she/he like everyone else. Your mother will eventually come around to it. However, you seriously need to bounce some your attitudes. Be more appreciated of your friends and family. Reflect yourself and whether you truly feel you are transgender. Take a heavy dose of the chill pill as there are FAR worst experience than yours. Likewise be more understanding of other people ( their ignorance is no excuse for you to act ignorant ).

Take care! Likewise you are not alone!
Cesar

 

I agree with many points given by Cesar above, and I hope you don't feel too offended.
The only point I don't entirely agree on is that you don't care about your identity. I assume it's more that you're not sure of how to express your identity just yet. You and your friends sound quite young, and I think you are all handling it the best you can. As much as I am saddened that you or any transgendered person has to go through something like this, it's also important to remember that communication takes time and effort sometimes. Don't be depressed just yet, and be a bit more persistent all the while trying to understand how difficult it might be for someone to grasp this idea, let alone be of your support. It's really a matter of education sometimes, and we're not all lucky to receive them. For the time being, maybe you can open up more to S, as she is clearly very accepting of you, and maybe you will be able to reach out to others better as you feel more comfortable in general talking about this issue.

 

Again, I apologize if I offended you. After rereading it I did find that I was a little harsher than I wanted but I still got my message across. I likewise did NOT make ANY assumptions or judgement about your life or your entire personality, I only gave advice from what was given. Communication is a necessity to living a normal life and I understand that your social anxiety can get in the way. However, this does not excuse you for how communicated this post to your readers. You mentioned no where in this post about your social anxiety or lack of confidence. Likewise you never implied any difficulty or sincerity for your identity. You do seem to care about your friends from it but how you communicate can be a little bit harsh. If you communicated some of the stuff you mentioned beforehand, my post would have been different. So let me present you with new advice based from the information you gave me.


Like I have mentioned earlier, communication is a necessity. You need to learn how to communicate in a more effective way that its receipts know how to respond. I understand your social anxiety may get in the way of this but I fail to see it as an excuse. I met plenty of people who can eloquently communicate even with social anxiety ( one of which is my best friend ). If you truly feel that you are transgender than you NEED to communicate that to your friends, family, and therapist ( which I must recommend finding a new one ) in way that SHOWS you care. Your statement, "I am transgender. Any questions," although it is easier it is a very poor way to state something you claim to care deeply about. Just because something is easier does not mean its the right way or best way to do it. So this time, come out again. This time communicate how you FEEL not what is easier for you because of your anxiety. Your therapist can really help you with this - likewise can help you with your self confidence.


If you are really empathic and understanding of where they are coming from you would have made this post. I understand that you are a nice person and you are there for your friends but this does not mean you empathic. The definition of empathy is "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another."If you were empathic you would understand that S is busy right now and that is the reason she is "ignoring" you. You would understand that your friends joking around in the original text was not lack of caring you. You would likewise understand them referring to you as "she" is ignorance and maybe lack of seriousness for this. You can be a nice person that gives good advice ( which is why your friends go to you ) but not be empathic. This does not make you a bad person either!


No one likes to hear criticism about themselves. It sucks. You do have some areas to work here and I would suggest mentioning them to your therapist ( newer one if you wish ). Sorry if I offended you, hopefully you can grow from it.


Yours truly,
Cesar

 

I doubt you'll like what I have to say either. However, i think you can handle it. From your post, you sound fairly young, yeah? And although everyone handles coming out differently, your age definitely shows in the way that you handled the situation with your friends.

This message is unnecessarily dramatic, and rather immature. If you are having problems with certain friends, then approach them personally. You shouldn't write accusational messages with the intention of people not involved reading and responding to it. It's very possible your friend who used incorrect pronouns simply hasn't been exposed to lgbt issues, and may not even know what transgender is. Benefit of the doubt, and whatnot.

I'm certainly not denying your identity. I don't know you. However, by the story you gave, you definitely seemed to have expectations of more attention given to you, surrounding your coming out.

Take what I said with a grain of salt. None of us know the situation as well as you, however, it is easier for us to look at it objectively. We may sound harsh, but we just want to help you understand different viewpoints and get over this speed bump. Good luck!

PS. If you do get this all worked out with your pals, but the misgendering continues, I've found that correcting them as soon as they say the wrong noun or pronoun helps all parties. It's easy for these things to slip. By correcting them on the fly, they'll be more likely to remember, and probably a bit embarrassed for the mess up.

 

Cesar, although I agree with you that Giraffe could probably work on better expressing himself, in his defense, I do think you are making some false assumptions.

I think it is a little offensive to tell a transgendered person that they don't take their identity seriously. I think more than anyone, they take their gender identity seriously, and even if Giraffe did not explicitly express that, I think one can clearly infer that. Also, I think it is naturally that it is a very difficult subject to breach, and although the way in which he decided to communicate it to his friends may not have been best, it's quite understandable. You point out his lack of empathy, but I don't think you are teaching by example, to be honest.

Also, you can't be certain that S is not responding because she is busy right? I also agree that his other friends probably do care about him, but I do think it was immature and insensitive of them to continue to make the joke about potatoes without taking his statement seriously, and you can't dismiss Giraffe's emotional reaction to it.

All in all, I do agree with many things you said, but I just felt like putting out my perspective as a bridge between you and Giraffe, as I imagine he may be a bit upset.

Giraffe, I understand that you are in a vulnerable position and you expected to be accepted and supported by your friends and family, and that is totally understandable, and you deserve that, of course. However, you should try to recognize that it takes work to get there, and as Cesar pointed out, I think it's fair to say that you didn't put enough constructive effort into communicating your feelings and your situation. Keep on trying at your own pace!