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Should I Stay

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by headie2infinity, Mar 31, 2015.

  1. headie2infinity

    Regular Member

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    So I posted this in another category but it's gotten 60 views and no comments so I'll try putting it here

    So I have a dilemma and I just want some advice or opinions in general. Hopefully there are some of you who can relate!*

    Backstory:
    I am a 23 year old female, who just very recently came out as bisexual to my boyfriend, family, and friends. I'm so happy that I can finally accept myself and live my life authentically. However, I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 and 1/2 years. He is a man that I see myself marrying.. I think. I have my reservations. I am very focused on school (as I am a full time student trying to get into nursing school). I am pretty uptight, and don't really know how to relax because I feel like I should always be focusing on getting straight A's. So when I do have down time, I usually like to just lounge around, although I do love shopping, and the outdoors when it's warm. I am also an introvert so I do love to be around people and can have great conversations with others, I just don't enjoy doing it all the time. So you could say I am a planner, and worried about being able to be financially stable. I also live off my student loans and my parents help me by providing me money each money for bills and food. (He also does this for my sister too because he wants to be able to help support our dreams of going to college) My boyfriend, who is 24, is really the opposite from me. He lives life day by day and doesn't put much emphasis on money like I do and comes up short on rent and bills, and is in credit card debt.

    That being said I have my reservations because I always wanted to marry someone who could emotionally and financially take care of me. Not that I need them too because I plan to have a career of my own and be able to support myself. However, my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to give that to me. I have told him this and have had constructive talks about it. I told him that I needed to see him "mature" a little bit and get organized with bills (or just simply remember when they are due because he always forgets). So we went to the store together and he bought a calendar for the fridge and he writes down the bill dates. However, he is still short or late on bills, therefore I have to pay them and he says he will pay me back but never does. He also has to borrow money from his parents a lot too and his mom even wrote me a check for the money he owed me to try and help our relationship a few months ago. That being said I am scared I am dating someone who isn't mature enough for me personally. And I worry that he will never mature because he always talks about "living life with no regrets, or we're only young once". I try to support him and try not to get annoyed but when it has gotten repetitive it's hard to stay positive. He and I are also in the same online courses together for school and he never keeps track of when work is due, and always asks me if I know. I try to tell him to check the website and things like that but he usually forgets where things are. (Probably due to not using the website enough because he puts off school work and only logs in once a week). He also waits till the last day before any work is due to do it, this has been going on for a semester and a half. He just isn't proactive, and it makes me worry for him. Especially when we are supposed to read chapters before doing the work, and he NEVER does.

    Also, I have found that I don't want to have sex with him. He doesn't turn me on anymore and it feels like work to have sex. I also have a lot of pain after sex so that contributes to it. I also only fantasize about women and feel bad because he only fantasizes about me. I do love him though and feel bad about not being aroused by him even though he is gorgeous and has a heart of gold.*

    Another thing that I worry about is that I will never be able to sexually explore the other side of me after coming out. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. However I have told him that there are things sexually he will never be able to provide for me and he respected it. I want to have more experiences with women, or even be in a relationship with a woman, but don't want to lose him. (And having an open relationship is not an option because we both see that as cheating and I would never cheat on him, nor he would on I)

    All of that being said, he is a wonderful guy. We can be our stupid goofy selves together without judgment. He is truly a good person and never wants to hurt anyone and if he does he really feels bad about it. I love him, I want to see him prosper, and become something in life, and I want to be his best friend and take care of him. I am just worried that I am not being fair to him or myself. I want whats best for the both of us and want to continue being honest with each other and I don't want to lose him. So I guess what I am asking is for you all to give me your honest opinions on if this relationship will ever truly make me happy. Or if these things I am experiencing fundamental problems?

    Any opinions are welcome and thank you for reading this loooong post!
     
  2. JooBooGoo

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    Well try to think honestly to yourself, does he actually make you happy? And does his laziness with finances dragging you down (like racking up debt)?
    And have you ever even asked about an open relationship? You can say you would like to be able to see other women because you're having "sexual troubles" or something like that. And if all else fails, you could try putting your relationship off to the side for a few months or so. And you probably already know going behind his back is a VERY bad idea so I won't go into that.

    But it sounds to me like he's also taking advantage of you by asking for the answers to questions, and you need to confront him if you want it to stop. Letting him do this could lead down a slippery slope where he relies on you completely for school, finances, etc.
    And you may just want to break up with him if he doesn't agree to pull his own weight and becomes more reliant on you for everything.
     
  3. headie2infinity

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    Thank you so much JooBooGoo. Thank you for reading my lonnnng post!
    Whenever I ask myself if I'm happy I am so confused, at times I am happy and at times I am not. I have brought up options about having an open relationship and his response was that the only options are that we are together or were not. And I can respect that. He doesn't want to tread in any waters that might damage the relationship in the long run that he might regret. I do worry that I am being an enabler and that if I don't stand my ground every single time that I will just be walked all over, for the rest of my life with him. Maybe when our lease starts to wrap up this summer I can talk to him more seriously on the fact that if he can't pull his weight financially that I will not be renewing our lease together. Thank you for the advice you definitely take this into consideration.

    ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2015 at 12:06 PM ----------

    I also know I deserve more but feel like I am acting like a princess and then wonder if any other woman/man will ever put up with my odd quirks or love me unconditionally and never cheat on me.
     
  4. paris

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    Don't ever tell yourself that again!
    Seriously, who wouldn't love a girl with two dachshunds who sings to them? Moreover, you chose a nursing career, that shows you're kind, caring, compassionate and independent woman so tell me who wouldn't want that? :icon_wink
     
  5. headie2infinity

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    Thanks Paris! I might say to that, the person who think's I'm literally nuts for singing to my dogs, hahaha. :slight_smile: I know that there a many fish in the sea. I just wonder if this is a phase for him, because I see him trying to change and become more responsible. But I know it's not enough right now and worry it won't ever be enough for me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for being honest about what I need but I hate that after we have devoted all this time to the relationship that I'm the one saying it. ug. I hate hurting people!