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Just not a people person?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by anonym, Apr 3, 2015.

  1. anonym

    anonym Guest

    All my life, I have struggled with relationships, not of the romantic kind (I've never been there) but with family and friends. I've always found it difficult to make friends but even harder to maintain those friendships as well the relationships I have with my parents and siblings. With friends, in the beginning stages of friendship it's easier but once I have known someone a while and they have known me, I sort of reach a point where I don't know what to do anymore and I panic, usually ending in me breaking off contact and moving on to someone else. The thing is I don't even know how to be a friend. In recent years, I have realized just how self-centered I am. When I'm 'friends' with someone, I think I have a tendency to make the friendship very one-sided without showing an appropriate level of interest in the other person and how they feel. The problem is I don't seem to be aware of how others feel. It just doesn't register with me and when someone pulls me up about it and I'm faced with someone feeling hurt or neglected by my lack of empathy, I don't know how to respond. I either panic and evade the situation or I attack with cruel words because I can't deal with being criticized. I have no idea how to reach a compromise over things involving my own or others feelings. I have tried so hard to find the empathy and compassion but it's just not there. I hate myself for being this way and can only think it comes from me being autistic. I have seen first hand the damage this does to other people, first from my dad and now me. I am turning out to be exactly the same as him. I no longer have any friends. I've cut off all contact and I won't be making any new friends this time now that I see myself for who I really am but I don't know how to handle the situation with my family. I've always had a turbulent relationship with them and it's just getting worse. I just make a mess out of everything. I guess I'm just not a people person, if there's such a thing? Work relationships I can deal better with. I have no problem following instructions and as long as I'm not asked to manage people and their feelings, I do alright with professional relationships, that is as long as nobody tries to make anything more out of it by trying to get me to go to a work social or meet up with them outside of work.

    I try to tell myself that things will be ok, that I'm just useless with relationships and it will be better all round if I plan my future around being alone for the rest of my life without family and friends but I don't look forward to the future. I just want my life to be over as soon as possible. Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. malachite

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    Hey, I'm right there with you.

    I kinda feel people in general are bad. They're petty and selfish.

    The only advice I have is to embrace it, people gravitate toward honest people, even if the person isn't exactly nice. I would describe myself as an asshole, but for some reason people want to be around me, even I don't want to be around them.
     
  3. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    I AM :lol: self-centered too, and generally spend a lot of time analyzing myself, and I'm kind of obsessed with self-development. I'm not really interested in other people's business, not even of those I love. It takes a lot of effort for me to show that I care about what they say about things that are meaningless to me.

    It is some kind of protective mechanism, because by keeping distance from others physically, emotionally, mentally, it won't affect me so much if they stab me in the back or something bad happens to them. It's fucked up, I know.

    Feelings... eh... it's complicated with me. Oftentimes I repress my emotions, sometimes I express them, but I just hate it when others around me get emotional. Maybe I'm afraid of their emotions affecting mine and me breaking down in tears or losing my shit or whatever. It would require visibly expressed emotions on my behalf to deal with theirs, and I still have some hang-ups that prevent me from doing that.

    So you're not alone, maybe it's your hang-ups that you're not even aware of.
     
  4. anonym

    anonym Guest

    They were my thoughts exactly a few years ago, before I realized I was no better. That is why I tended to prefer animals to people but I've found I'm no better with animals than I am with people.

    I'm definitely honest. I mean I will admit my failings as a human being to other people yet I get the impression that instead I should be pretending to be a caring, compassionate, empathetic person even if I'm not to spare others' feelings. I did do that to an extent for many years and the outcome was that I was suppressing my feelings as an automatic response until I literally couldn't cope.

    I analyze myself a lot too. I always compare myself to other people and after I have been socializing I will reflect on every little thing I did and said wrong. When I talk to people, sometimes I will think 'I should say x,y,z now' and sort of force it out even though it isn't what my natural response would be at all. For example, most people when they meet others for the first time will ask how they are, what they do for a living etc. but I would never do that. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not particularly interested in other people's lives and I wouldn't expect them to be interested in mine. If I'm at work, I'd rather just discuss the work at hand. If I'm being served in a shop, I'd rather them just stick to the transaction, not ask me how I am and what my plans are for the day. I do understand that there are these things that you're supposed to say to people, especially when you meet them for the first time and I do play along with the 'rules' but I'd just rather not, if that makes sense.

    I don't know...I don't think it's a defense mechanism for me because I have been this way forever. I struggle to express my emotions anyway, never mind when somebody else is getting emotional, whether it's excited, angry or upset. I guess somehow I just feel overwhelmed by others' emotions so that I just tend to shut down, therefore being emotionally unavailable when others need praise or comfort. Then I come across as unfeeling and uncaring, which I suppose is true.