any experience getting over a narcissist?

Sometimes you really never get over someone you really love. I was friends with someone for many years and loved them very much and it turned out they were nothing but a pathological/compulsive selfish lair. although i knew for a long time he was, i thought he would eventually change. bunch of fake apologies is all i ever got. it's been 2 years and still think and love him.. i've learned that love is something that just can't be turned off.

all you can do is keep yourself busy. find new friends, hobbies and activities to occupy yourself. it's a difficult thing to do and takes a lot of energy, but it's really the only way to help lesson the hurt.

i like to use that saying: "what doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger." learn from the experience and what to look for in new friendship so i don't make the same mistake again.

look at the bright side, selfish people will never be happy in life because they're too busy chasing after themself.

good luck.

 

i am in the same boat - sort of.

I think the answer probably lies with her family, and what she grew up with. I would be very surprised if she reached this on her own.

 

Thank you for your post. I've been going through the same thing. I just broke it off yesterday. I deleted his number, his texts, and stored away pictures of us. We were so close for a year and some change. Like you said I went with my heart and not my gut. I was close with his parents as well. I feel like I wasted so much time on him, that I missed out on a lot of things.

 

While I've never been officially diagnosed, I do believe I fit a narcissistic mold. However, I seem to be very aware of this and can even rationalize it. Most narcissistic folks get so caught up in the image they project, they totally overlook who they really are, which is what casts doubt on my being such.

However, I understand the mentality very well, because I engaged in such behavior. So maybe I can give you the answer you're seeking, with some insight:

First of all, do not blame yourself. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to love, especially somebody else. It's a part of being alive. This is easier said than done, I know, but realizing it, is one step towards the recovery process.

A good narcissist, hell, a decent sociopath, will always throw the guilt onto their victims. This way, if things get out of hand, they can always "pluck a problem" and say, "Whoa, there! What's this calling me out on my bullshit? After all, you're ugly/dumb/lazy/doing it wrong/shy/friendless/etc, and ME spending time with you is a courtesy!", or something to that effect. It hits your self-worth, and tightens those shackles more.

A narcissist only cares about two things. Being praised, and being alive to receive that praise. They could care less about what or who gives that praise, only that they continue to provide it. If they do not, they'll undermine you, make you believe that, without them, you'd be worse off, so you curl up and go back to enduring it. Over time, they beat you down so bad that, in desperation to regain who you were, you believe, well, maybe by sticking it out, I can change them, make them into a better person, and we'll have our fairy tale friendship/romance.

Spoiler: that doesn't work.

A narcissist will always be like that. Any "humility" is simply them recollecting themselves, preparing, planning their next facade. They're like a fiend on drugs, they start experiencing "ego withdrawals", and will do anything to feed that hunger. This is why many narcissists are, often, also sociopaths. The two compliment each other well.

A narcissist takes pride, not in bettering those around them, but in ruining those around them. It is easier to drag people into the bowels of Hell, as opposed to lifting them into the heights of Heaven. A narcissist, believing themselves to be supreme, awesome, the best damn thing ever, realizes, by breaking others down, others will feel lower, and by others feeling lower, they will be admired for "being so confident", "being strong", "being sturdy", and so on, without doing a lot of work. It's a dirty tactic that, sadly, I've used in life many times to great effect.

You're a punching bag that is expected not to complain. You just take the mind games, the abuse, the hot-and-cold gestures, but if you dare not acknowledge anything they do, no matter how nominal or insignificant, you're the problem. You're the reason the relationship isn't working out, and you should be more like the narcissist, who is "confident, strong, sturdy", etc, but the thing is...

You will never be the narcissist, because they believe themselves unique, irreplaceable, incapable of being emulated. You're fighting an uphill battle for the amusement of an egotistical fuckin' prick, and the more you try, the more you endure, the more you struggle, the more amusement the narcissist will gain. After all, if you were as perfect as them, you wouldn't be in this situation, you'd find a way to win.

They'd rather destroy the both of you, than allow you to walk away, because it is a living reminder that, somebody resisted their charm, does not acknowledge their self-believed superiority, and this irritates a narcissist like very little else can.

People like this, do not play to win. They play not to lose.

Hopefully that brings you a little clarity, and aids in your healing.

 

If they have a means of contacting you, it's possible. Have you an idea of what you'd do, if she did attempt to contact you? How would you feel about that?

Hitch or Ditch. That's the tough question...

Do you believe by staying, any good will come of it? That a change is possible?

A year and a half is a decent blink (appropriate pun usage - jackpot!) in the sight of time. Did you see anything productive or beneficial happening, at all, during that time? Or was it becoming a daily walking-on-eggshells routine?

If the distance is a respectable driving length, it may not be a simple ignore number fix.

If you feel comfortable letting somebody know, that wouldn't be a bad idea. Face-to-face trumps screen-to-screen. You have anybody you could chill with? Even if you don't discuss this, you could use the time to sit back and reflect. Catch your breath, get situated, and reach a conclusion with a clearer head. The closer to the incident, the higher the emotional investment in it, and the heart often bickers with the brain, LOL.

What would your life be like without this individual ever coming back into it? Can you see yourself still going somewhere?

To condense into a Dr. Phil-like quip:

It might be possible for them to change... but that doesn't change the possibility of them not changing.

Be prepared for them trying to contact you again. Have an idea of what you're going to say to them, if they do ask about that. Talk to somebody, face-to-face if possible, because it'll be a bit more useful that way. Take some time, then think about it.

You can do better, because you are better. <3

 

100% true. as i mentioned in my short story, my friend had a huge problem growing up. he basically grew up without a mother and father at a young age, and the family he does have is dysfunctional.

it's part of the reason why i kept giving him chances after chances because i knew things weren't easy for him. despite his problems, i loved him even more, and not because i felt bad for him, but because i really wanted to help him. part me thought i could fix him. turns out you can't help fix someone unless they make an effort to change.

these type of people typically hate any type of confrontation. every time i've tried confronting my friend (in a polite/friendly way) he would continue acting selfish and continue defending his lies. it got to a point that he could no longer make up any more lies and i caught him contradicting his own lies multiple times. in the end? he simply cuts me off and stop talking to me. then a month later he would message me acting as if nothing ever happened, like he thought i would forgotten what had happened..