A Secret Love Led to Secret Heartbreak

Hello EC,

So it is Easter weekend and I can't help but reflect on a past relationship that ended around this time two years ago. Without going into too much detail, in my final year of university I started hooking up with my best friend (a girl). At the time we were both saying oh it's just university, we're just "experimenting." But I always knew it was much more than that for me at least. Anyway we ended up being in a pretty intense "relationship" for about a year and a half. It was basically a relationship without the label, it was kept a secret and we were completely exclusive. I had a lot of very real feeling invested in the entire thing, and was confused because before this whole thing I'd never even kissed a girl.

Fast forward to a year and a half later - Easter of that year she came to visit me and spend the weekend together like we often did, only this time she was really distant. She ended up telling me that she had hooked up with her ex boyfriend (they were together for four years). The worst part was that because she identifies as straight and never considered it a real relationship, she said it quite casually. It was kind of like no big deal sort of thing, and some unspoken understanding that we were done. She ended up meeting a guy shortly afterwards who she has been with since that time, and we have barely talked about it since.

It took me a really long time to get over the whole situation, especially since we both still treasured the friendship we'd had so I had to internalize a lot of my pain in order to continue to be friends. She also made me promise not to tell anyone because we share most of the same friends. So basically it was a secret love and a secret heartbreak.

It's kind of crazy thinking about how it was this huge thing for me, my first lesbian relationship, and it is something that I can never talk about. Sometimes I think I should tell someone but I guess I still don't want to risk losing her as a friend.

Anyway to sum up this long post, I would like to say that (thankfully) I have moved on. I totally respect that she identifies as straight and we are still good friends. I'm completely over her but this time of year brings up a lot of weird memories. On a personal note I'm now out to my friends and some of my family and I am happy I guess the reason I'm posting this is just to see if anyone can relate.

What do you do to get over the past? Or even out of curiosity, what's your cure all to a broken heart?

 

Thank you so much for reading my post and responding, it means a lot I'm sorry you had a similar experience, as I know how heartbreaking the whole thing can be. I've been thinking a lot about telling someone lately, especially since I'm out to most of my friends. It just doesn't seem worth holding in and hiding anymore. I am still good friends with the girl but I mean it's really hard. Even though I'm completely over her, and don't want to be with her anymore, the past hurt is still there.

 

Thank you for your reply AfricanFlower

I'm sorry you're in that situation right now, it is not the ideal place to be at all. The thing that complicated it the most for me (and still does to some extent) is the fact that we are best friends so I never wanted to lose that. It also mixed in a lot of intense feelings because we knew each other so well, and had always said things like "I love you" but that had different meanings as friends versus as when we were together, so that made it all quite confusing. It was as if it progressed a lot faster than a normal relationship, if that makes sense... And just like you said, she didn't want to call it a relationship, even though it completely was exclusive.

My biggest piece of advice to you is to be careful. Talk to her about the guy thing if it bothers you. It sounds to me like she is pretty in control of the whole thing by getting jealous of you liking other girls while telling you it's no big deal if she likes a guy. It is also quite difficult when one half of the relationship wants to keep it a secret, take it from me that does not always end well. But I sincerely hope it does work out for you! I am always here to talk because it sounds pretty similar to what I went through, and talking could be helpful.

Thank you - it's actually named after one of my favourite bands hehe I saw Broods perform in Toronto last month and they were unreal. Maybe even better live! That's so sweet you're from Johannesburg! South African accents are one of my favs.

 

It's also nice for me to find someone who understands what I've been through haha. Everything you're saying actually resonates with me so much. I don't mind you asking me for advice at all, I'd love to keep talking whenever you need someone to listen. Also music is maybe the thing in life I am the most passionate about. Every morning I am perusing new music blogs and listening to new artists. Luckily a lot of really talented artists come through Toronto so I get to see my fair share of concerts here

 

Thank you for your reply xylaz I must say that I don't think anyone is great at relationships, especially in the beginning. It's something we all sort of stumble through in the dark, but hopefully, eventually, we figure them out together.

Georgia was so adorable and humble when I saw her perform. She and Caleb were blown away by all the fans, and it was so cute to see artists so connected with their audience. Also her awkward dance moves are unmatched, except by maybe the opening act Erik Hassle who was quite eccentric himself haha. But yes, her voice is incredible, and was spot on live. Definitely one of my favourite concerts to date! (!)