I have the uncontrollable need for a relationship. I don't really know why. A lot of the people around me and who I am friends with have talked about their multitude of relationships for years, and it always stuck with me. I've never dated anyone before, but have come close to it sometimes; they usually get postponed in strange ways... I hate to see couples; I have to divert my eyes from people in the hallway of my high school who I see holding hands, filled with sadness and loss at the sight of them. I love to make other people happy, and usually ask for nothing in return. But, the truth is that I really want something-- someone-- to make me happy. I want to give them everything I can and be given the same, and I won't care if they can't do that so long as they try. I want to have someone I can trust with myself as myself, and we can share our flaws, weaknesses, and problems instead dumping them on each other. I guess that's what sets me apart from my friends, other than being a Transgender Homosexual; I want a relationship that will last, not just shrivel up and die in a few months because of a rumor. That's why I am not afraid to say no to some people, and that's also why I thirst for love so strongly now. Now that I have found who I think I truly am inside, I try to act upon it. But, even when I try to talk to gay men that I meet and treat them nicely at least, they shoot me down; long before I can even work up the courage to tell them what I am. I don't think "Hi. I know I look like a tomboy girl, but I really am a gay man, trust me!" would make a very good conversation starter. It really pains me whenever they blow me off like I'm nothing, all because I don't look anything like something they'd be interested in. I usually am left hurt and thinking that it is my fault that I could not even make them consider me. Wow, I suppose that was like a big confessional; it definitely feels like a weight lifted of my chest! I welcome opinions, advice, and support. If anyone else is in a similar boat to me, I'd really like to know. No one I'm friends with understands my situation, so anything would help; thank you all.
Wow you're only 15. Relax! I remember back then I was like "dammit! Must find relationship NOW! ... ...Any minute now...." Ten or so years later, I was finally going on some dates, and the on-line dating sites were packed with 1000s of people who were all in the same boat. Wow, I guess all those epic sex orgies in high school worked out really well! </sarc> One thing that really threw me off was when people would claim to have "special experience" in dating, which I was missing. A lot of it is just people's insecurity talking. Clocking up 10 exes in a year is not experience, it's starting really low and slowly working your way up through different levels of retardedness. So relax. As for gays not liking you, attraction is not just about looks. There's a whole gamut of little pieces that fit together. If you've got 'XX' pheromones and estrogen wafting off you like any normal female, then they won't like that smell. Straight guys will, but then you might need to somehow balance your need for male gender expression, against your desire for affection. TBH I don't know what the story is with gay guys and trans* males. Maybe it can work, but it might not be easy.
