Not even sure what this is about anymore.

So over the last few months, last two weeks especially, I've been in the grips of some pretty strong feelings for a (gay) friend. Now as friends we really get on like a house on fire, and I'd be quite comfortable describing him as my best friend even though I've only known him for 7 months. But also I think he looks cute, and I've caught myself wondering what it'd be like to hold him or cuddle him, romantic kind of stuff. Sometimes admittedly I've had sexual fantasies about him, but they're based on being intimate with him or pleasing him more than anything else. And I think I've caught myself considering how it'd play out if I told him about this… pretty much seriously considering making moves. All this has developed to the point I basically flirted with him: he said I was cute, I replied I couldn't be as cute as he is. Significant for me, because it's the first time I've intentionally done that and it goes against my cautious nature. I didn't feel good after the fact, since I'm still not sure where i stand towards him, so it was probably a dick move to flirt like that.

Now all that should be telling me I like him and I should probably tell him. But I'm not sure what all this is really about anymore. Just after I sent the message flirting back, I thought to myself "what if it's just because he said I was cute [no one's complimented me like that before] … what if this is an ego-boost, to shore up my confidence?". I want it to be more than just an ego-trip, and I definitely don't want to screw him about in that way. So it's not likely that it is. But still… I'm very inexperienced in this department. I'm greener than a nature reserve. Which makes me wonder, what if I'm just lonely and latching onto him because he's the first person to show an interest? Am I misinterpreting feelings of intense friendship? Am I attracted to the emotional aspect, or his looks?

It's not only that- also, I have all these emotions and feelings in my head, and indeed sometimes when I'm with him, but more often when I'm with him in person I don't actually feel that much? I kind of revert to being a friend and just enjoying the conversations. The thoughts come afterwards. I'd have thought if the feelings have a real basis, they'd manifest more often when I'm actually with him?

It's dumb, I know, but these questions on what he is to me and why I feel what I do honestly make me wonder how real these feelings are and whether they'd be too destructive to our friendship to share. Not expecting a great deal of answers, since this was pretty long, unclear and rant-y, but… thoughts appreciated.

 

Thanks for your reply Lyana, well that thing with the flirting was an overreaction, I can see that now. After all we've talked today as well pretty normally too. I guess I thought that since I'm conscious of potential side-effects of doing it and I highly value the friendship we've got. But, you're right, it was one sentence which is negligible in the scheme of things.

Another thing is that I'm not secure in my orientation really. To be honest, it's the first time I've felt drawn to someone in quite this way, but it isn't the first time something like this happened with my view of a friend. Anyway- the point is it's not clear-cut, at least not as much as it used to be. I can't say if I'm attracted to men, I've fantasised about them before but with the exception of this friend and the other one before (the one I mentioned earlier), I haven't felt drawn to guys in real life . Not really girls either recently, I've just kept to myself. I'm sure somewhere that played into my thinking when I told myself "I shouldn't have done that".

Well we often see each other one-on-one, like watching films or eating or whatever. They're not dates right now, but... well, I guess he seems comfortable with me in that sort of situation. Idk, it's just a thought. I'll have a think about maybe turning one of those meetings into a date. Another thing I might do is tell him about this in some way, but leave it to him to respond to it as he wishes rather than be too forward with him.

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Also thanks wasgij (just noticed your reply). Yes he's same age, and he's not seeing anyone. I think the same thing sometimes re: the friendship, but then again if I confess feelings for him and they turn out not to be what I thought they were, or if the way I did it turned out not to be tactful enough... well I'm just afraid of changing the dynamic we have, which is great, for nothing/something that's all in my head. In a way it's just a big fear of being wrong, of letting him down.

 

Kenaria: your input is still helpful! I fluctuate a fair bit really between being fairly sure and times like this when I'm simply not sure. And that's a big part of it, I don't want to be "that guy" if I can avoid it. But I guess at the time of sending the message my motive wasn't solely to be a good friend, it was to express interest too.

wasgij: I do think it's much more likely that the friendship will continue, hopefully in more or less the same form. It's something that I'd hope would survive a fair few knocks before falling apart. In any case on something like this I'd do my best to be reasonable, tactful and generally not a d-bag (well, I try to be that as often as possible), so if anything I do doesn't sit well with him I would back off for a while out of a mix of courtesy and apprehension. Also I agree on not giving him an ultimatum, I'd feel very uncomfortable with making that sort of demand myself- it's not fair on a friend imo, and in any case when there are usually other solutions it's too overbearing.

I get your muscle analogy, like I simply can't see myself casually dropping it into a face-to-face conversation. I haven't got the muscles for that! I'd probably end up just telling him about this- it doesn't have to involve flirting or asking much of him, so it can avoid any unintended consequences.

 

Well if I wasn't scared I guess I'd say that I don't quite see him as I do my other friends and although I don't understand the mechanics of it yet I'm drawn to him... and yes, I might just ask him out to see how it goes.

That's what the more, uh "impulsive/emotional" part of me would do, if not to start something with him then at least to be honest with him and offload it from myself. The thing is there's a very powerful "rational" voice inside my head too that, every time a thought such as this surfaces, tries to break the feeling down and analyse it to see if it's valid, and whether there's a compelling reason to do anything with it. These two are closely matched, which is why I would have trouble answering your question Lyana.

I guess I could at least take the plunge and maybe tell him about what I've written in this thread, but on the rest... still at the drawing board I guess :icon_sad:

 

Yeah, I've spent a great deal of mental energy on him... far more than with any other friends. For instance I can safely say I haven't thought of any other friends holding my hand when I've been out walking by myself. I definitely don't think of other friends so frequently, or scrutinise the very nature of my relationship to them either. Given how much time I've spent thinking about it, I would hope there is a reason :lol:

I guess I'm attracted to him in some way or other, the evidence stacks up to that conclusion. And something makes me try and dodge the question by intellectualising the whole thing, or focusing on details instead of the bigger picture etc. It's probably much simpler than I make it. At heart I guess I must do this because I want to try and avoid the feelings, by postponing anything to do with acting on them/fully acknowledging them. Perhaps that's the bigger issue, not just what would happen if I told him.