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I fell in love with a straight guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JedenPolska, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. JedenPolska

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    Hey there! I'm 16 years old, and ever since the beginning of the year, I've been falling slowly in love with this (assuming straight) guy. I first started sitting at his table at lunch in November, because I was actually trying to be friends with another guy I shared my feelings for (long story). However, I soon began falling for Kyle, as he was really nice to me (other people at the table were annoyed that I joined mid-year) and cute. I got his # in late February, after I dmed him on Twitter. Ever since then, we've texted almost every day. I've even tried doing things with him outside of school, although it hasn't happened yet. We're getting there as friends, but I'm really awkward around him in person. In addition, a lot of his friends don't like me, and avoid me, when I try to be friendly. I haven't really told him my sexuality, but he is against gay marriage, on religious basing. I'm Christian too, and kinda just tried to make a good case for love. Should I tell him I like guys too, or that I like him? I seriously can't get him out of my head (Kylie Minogue is so right). Should I wait til we hang out?
     
  2. Kenaria

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    Run away. Run far far far far away. Straight boys are a dangerous zone and are very delicate creatures. I know it's really hard, especially trying to stop the feelings, but straight boys don't like guys, nor will they ever.

    If I were you, I would tell him how you feel. Honesty is always the best policy and it's the easiest way to kill several birds with one stone.
    If he accepts you, then so be it, you've got an ally! If he likes you back, well then that's even better! If he doesn't accept you, you can move on from him and live your life happily and at a safe distance from the world renowned straight male.

    Straight boys are truly a nightmare, especially when you have feelings for them >.<
     
  3. amigec

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    Oh, I feel for you on this one. I really do.

    The feeling of rejection and isolation can be so inclusive to gay teens in high-school. The people you are attracted to couldn't be more off limits. So when the cute straight guy actually takes an interest in you as a friend, you latch on. It happens so often and it's very easy to fall into that trap.

    I'm not saying he isn't attracted to you, and I'm not saying he will reject you if you tell him, but look at at the odds. Look at all that's at stake. If you really see that there could be a chance with him, then tell him. But make it a process. Tell him that you're gay. See what his reaction is and give it some time. If nothing changes in the friendship and you feel it's time, then tell him how you feel.

    I had the same experience. I know what it's like when your feelings overpower reason. I met a guy at work that I completely fell for. I was attracted to him physically right away. But after I met him and saw what a nice guy he was, I felt an connection to him. My crush developed quickly into something much stronger. I had feelings for him that I've never had for anyone. The obsession I had for him and the longing to be with him really broke me down. This lasted for months. I was an emotional wreck for most of this time and only thought about him.

    I kept my secret from him for almost a year. He found out from someone else that I had feelings for him. In my case, I was lucky because he didn't react negatively, but right away he started to set limits with our relationship. And even as I'm typing this, I still feel an ache for that man. Even though I quit that job and haven't seen him in about 5 months. The pain of first love lingers.

    The best thing for you to do is forget about pursuing this guy. Straight men are not going to give you a stable relationship as a gay male. There are plenty of boys and men out there that will be so much better for you, and you will be glad that you moved on. You may have to wait until you're on your own, out of high school, to find someone. Or maybe not. But I'm telling you, looking for love in someone who can't love you back in the way you want is going to crush you.

    The choice is yours, of course. Please take what I say into consideration. I wish you all the best in your situation. I really hope you make the right choice. Take care.
     
  4. JedenPolska

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    So I guess the general consensus here is that I should get over him quickly, and the best way to do that is through telling him that I have a thing for him. So, I guess the question then is should I do that in person or over text, or maybe even showing him this thread? I feel like doing it in person, but I literally have never gotten him alone, except for once. It would need to be outside of school too. I don't know, but I feel like saying it in person is more genuine, no chance of me backing out. Plus, he might have a little respect for me to have the courage to face him in person. Idk though...
     
  5. Adam Smith

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    It happens. Really you got two options:
    1. Tell him, which has its own problems concerning "do you want to come out of the closet", and bullying, but it is most direct.

    2. Do nothing. Just wait to get over it. It does happen but these things can fade away. I actually find this straight guy attractive but it ebbs and flows. Try to preoccupy your mind with other stuff.
     
  6. ForNarnia

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    A whole lot of LGBT+ people fall into this trap, and I know you aren't going to want to hear this, but I really wouldn't suggest telling him you're attracted to him just yet.

    If he's made it clear that he is against gay marriage etc, there's a pretty good chance that he won't be okay with being in a homosexual relationship (of course, this could be internalised homophobia on his part)

    The point is, it's probably going to take a whole lot of time to work out if getting with him is the right choice for you. So y'know, take your time with this :slight_smile:

    I'd suggest coming out at least a few months before you consider telling him you're attracted to him, just to make sure he's completely okay with it, and won't freak out at you.

    Hope things work out :slight_smile: Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  7. JedenPolska

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    I don't really think that this is something that's just going to fade, so I'm thinking it's best if I just tell him. And I guess later, rather than sooner to be safe. But should I say I like him (which reveals that I like guys), or just that I like guys? I'm guessing if I say I'm falling for him, that he'll freak out and distance himself for a little while. While if I just tell him my orientation, that he'll try telling me what God's path for my life is, pray with me, etc. And I don't know if I can come back and say I think you're hot after something like that.
     
  8. amigec

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    You should tell him you're gay first. You'll have a better understanding of how he feels about homosexuality. And after that, wait a little while before you tell him you have feelings for him, if you're going to. This will let you observe his actions over time. Does he treat you differently? Does he act weird around you? Does he act like he doesn't want to talk to you around his friends? These are some questions that need to be answered before you decide to tell him the truth about your feelings for him.

    It seems you don't want to wait this one out, like you have strong feelings for this guy. I'm telling you, I would try to ride this out for a while to see if the feelings are still there. Please, don't rush into this and get yourself hurt. If you tell him, make it a process. I hope for the best and whatever happens, just know you have support from all of us at EC. Take care
     
  9. JedenPolska

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    Ok, I'm trying to take this slow and at least meet up outside of school once. But I'm starting to realize that school's really about to close (mid June). The last thing I'd want is to tell him last day of school and not hear back all summer. But I also don't want to miss out on telling him. Another problem though is that if we hang out, it would probably have to be with his friends, and they don't like me...
     
  10. amigec

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    Try to get him to hang out with you alone. I don't know how hard it'll be to get him to do this, but it's necessary if you want to disclose anything private. You also don't want to tell him anything the first time you hang out. Give him some time to be comfortable being around you alone, then tell him. Don't make a big deal out of it either. Hopefully the subject will pop up or something will give you the opportunity to drop the fact that you're gay.

    I know you don't want to wait, but the thing is if you tell him all of this at once it'll most likely drive him away. You can try to hurry the process. Tell him you're gay now then after a couple weeks, if you feel it's the right thing to do, tell him you have feelings for him.

    Again, be careful in this situation and really think about what's best for you. Hope all goes well.
     
  11. JedenPolska

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    Well, looks like I was being overly optimistic...Invited Kyle to do something tomorrow, and he just said that he feels like I'm trying to force a friendship that's not even there. I don't even know what to say or how to react...I feel like telling him how I feel anyway. What can I lose anyway...
     
  12. Maxey

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    Okay I'm sorry this whole situation sucks horribly, and I completely feel your pain.

    I was in love with a straight girl for months, almost a year, and it ruined me for a while. I eventually found out she knew (one of my friends had been dropping hints and she had pieced it together based on hunches) and although the friendship is now the same as it used to be, it took me what seemed like forever to get over her, and it really hurt for a long time.

    My best advice for you is to get over him as soon as possible. At this point, if you feel like it's right, then yeah, tell him how you feel (I'd suggest through text in case anything goes really wrong) and then give yourself space and just get over him. It's going to be really hard and I'm really sorry but that's really the only thing you can do.
    You don't have to tell him your feelings, although I personally feel like at this point the best thing you can do is be honest with him, but if you don't, at least distance yourself.

    I speak from experience when I say that clearing the air and being open and honest about your feelings will help you get over them, but my situation was different in that we were really close friends beforehand, and I don't know if this guy will respond in a similar way or if it will go worse.

    Just please, at this point, do as much as you can to keep yourself from getting further hurt. I know how it feels to be in this kind of situation and it really sucks and hurts like hell any way it goes down, but do your best to save yourself more needless pain. Distance yourself if you have to, give yourself time, and move on.

    I hope you come out of this okay. My heart goes out to you *hug*
     
  13. JedenPolska

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    Ok, I feel like you guys have a right to know how it ends (although it's not exactly over). Actually the exact same time you replied Maxey, I sent reply with a really long text explaining everything. It took 40 min. but he replied. He doesn't want to hang out, because he is scared I'd make a move, doesn't feel comfortable around me, and thinks it'll always be weird. I don't think it has to be this way. I wish we could've been legit friends before I told him anything, but alas I'm not very likeable to straight guys, so whatever. I'm going to take it slow, give him time to adjust, a little break. Any ideas? Hopefully in a few months we'll be good friends, and I'll have someone else on my mind.
     
  14. Maxey

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    At this point, taking a break is the best thig you can do. Hang out with other people and try new things, and try to stop thinking about him as much. It'll be hard, but I think you can do it. If he comes around and decides he wants to be friends eventually, that's great. But don't get your hopes up too much. The best thing you can do is get him off your mind. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  15. DragKing692

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    Test the waters first. I fell in love with a girl who was all Catholic, so I asked her what she thought about LGBT+s, and she told me she was supportive of it. Then I asked if she had any friends who were (LGBT+) and she said she had a few. Then, once I was confident with her, I asked her about her sexuality. As fate would have it, she was bisexual yet was developing in an homophobic household. And then she said she liked me too. But that's just my good fortune, and I hope that if he's not gay, that it won't change the friendship you two already have.
    Best wishes,
    Bernie
     
  16. luckrunningout7

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    If you really want to come out to him, just tell him ur gay. Definantly DONT tell him u like him. If he really is straight then he'll need time to adjust to it. If you tell him u like him, and if hes straight, u might scare him away. Another possibility is that he pretends to be against gay marriage to fit in with his friends. Theres really no way to tell if he's gay. Just don't get too attached, so you don't get hurt.
     
  17. JedenPolska

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    Ok, first off, read the whole thread, before you post...Anyway, I asked him if he preferred if I sat somewhere else during lunch, and he said he doesn't mind, but thinks it'll be awkward. I told him it doesn't have to be awkward if you don't make it awkward. I think rn, he's more just scared that if we're ever alone, I'll try kissing him or something. I need to gain his trust back, and show that I moved on, that I just want more guy friends.
     
  18. amigec

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    Damn... I'm so sorry. You tried your best to hold on to this friendship in hope that there was something more. First, understand you shouldn't blame yourself for coming on too strong. This is high-school, where people are so influenced by what people say and think. He felt uncomfortable being around you with his friends, because he was afraid of what they would think. He doesn't want his image affected by other people thinking he might be "gay". This is very typical. Don't sit by him at lunch anymore. Don't talk to him. It isn't worth it. You'll forget about this kid, trust me. You'll even regret wasting your emotional energy on him.

    I don't know what kind of situation you have at school. For me, I had very few friends, and none of them I even considered "true" friends. I was very much isolated from everyone else, and felt I was getting smaller every day. I became bitter toward everyone, and let my insecurities about my sexuality take over. I hope you do have someone to turn to, someone you can call a friend. If not, if you feel like no one understands you at school, just know that there are people out there that do. SO many people. In fact, I can almost guarantee that there are people in your school right now going through something similar.

    Whether you can turn to friends at school or someone here on EC, you need to talk to someone. Getting over something like this is best done in the presence of people who support you. It takes time and effort. Change your focus on other things that are going on right now. Don't let him control your happiness. Don't. Because one day, you will get over him. One day you'll meet people who not only tolerate you, but love you. Love you for YOU. And you'll meet someone... someone who can love you and give you the respect you deserve. That kid who used to sit by himself at lunch, that kid who didn't feel respected by his friends and peers... that guy who fell in love with a straight guy and had his feelings crushed.... that person has evolved so much. I have learned to respect myself and love myself first, and refuse to pursue anyone or let anyone in my life unless they fully respect me for who I am.

    Things will get better. I know you can make it through this. Just think about the kind of future you can have, where you'll feel free to be you. Post any updates. Take care of yourself and again focus on YOU.
     
  19. Maxey

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    Exactly what amigec said. Don't bother. If he's that insecure about you trying to make some sort of move on him, don't waste your time trying to be friends with him because he isn't worth it anymore. It's better for you this way anyway, because trust me when I say being around him would hurt you way more. Just go and make new friends, do new things, and get past this because I know you can. I know it hurts right now but it won't always hurt so just hang in there and know that it will get better. <3
     
  20. JohnX

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    Gosh. That's very sad. :frowning2: Maybe you should just get over him. It will be hard, but believe me it gets better. Find friends that will accept you for who you are and will support you every step of the way. You are still young. You'll find the perfect guy for you. Stay strong sweetie (*hug*)