I feel like I'm going crazy. While I identify as neutral, I'm very much masculine of center, and am married to a very straight, cis guy. While he's been wonderful so far, I worry that eventually he will decide he can't be with someone who identifies as more male than female. I don't want hormones or bottom surgery but still. I wonder if mentally this is going to be too much for him. Is there any way I can make this easier for him? He's freaked out and doesn't understand and I don't know how to help him understand, or if he even can.
I don't know if I can help but maybe if you explain to him that you are same person he fell in love with and married. Your personality hasn't changed and they way you act towards him will still be the same. As long as you let him know that you understand how difficult this is and that his concerns are important to you and that you can support each other, hopefully he won't see it so much as a burden that he has to tackle on his own. I really hope you can work through it together
I totally agree what Vesalius said. I think that's kind of all there is to go on: the love that you share and the importance of your relationship. If this is sort of a new revelation for him, try to just take things slowly and give time for both of you to adjust. It was a shock to my boyfriend at first also (we had been together for 5 years with me as a "woman"), but now we just don't really acknowledge it. I don't know if that means it's been accepted or if we're just "not talking about it", but either way I think it is really important to allow for plenty of adjusting time. Not pushing too much all at once. Letting him know that you're willing to answer any questions he has. And then hopefully he'll realize that nothing has changed, you're still the same person, acting the same way towards him. Even if he can't understand fully (which may or may not happen), that doesn't mean he can't accept you for who you are. And who knows, maybe he'll learn that he's not as straight as he thought he was! I wish you the best, and I DEEPLY sympathize with your situation.
Thanks, guys. I hope it works out, too. Because I married him for a reason. He told me the other day that it's not a terrible surprise, in the last 4 years, I cut my hair really short, stopped shaving, and started wearing almost exclusively male clothing. I guess it's just hard for me to give him time. I'd like to have him refer to me by male pronouns, but I'm pretty certain it's too early for that. I just don't know how to judge when not too early is. Don't mind me. I'm venting right now. I don't have anyone else to vent to that has any idea what's going on.
With regards to the pronoun thing maybe if you give him a little bit of time just to get used to what you have told him now and then in a few days/weeks just gently suggest that you would like to be called by your chosen pronoun but that the decision is up to him and he can start using it when he is comfortable. That way he has some control over what is happening and doesn't feel forced into all these changes?
