This is the 1st time I have asked for advice regarding my relationship online. Unfortunately, I don't really have a whole lot of people in my life who I can share such personal details in return for honest, non-biased advice. I hope I receive some decent input here, I sure would appreciate it! My name is __________ and I am 26 years old and live in the a large city in Kansas. I have been with my partner for 5 years and this November will be our 6th year together. When I met my partner I was attracted to him for many reasons, including his great looks and personality. I was also attracted to the people he ran around with. They were fun, exciting and exposed me to things I had never experienced before. Prior to meeting my partner, I lived in an extremely small town an hour outside of the big city and lived a very sheltered life. I had never drank a beer, been to a club or bar or did a lot of things most people my age were doing. And of course the sex was great! I had never been put into so many different positions. Don't get me wrong though, although sex is physically satisfying, I've always viewed it as a very important aspect of any relationship. It allows me to connect with my partner on an entirely different level, making me feel loved and cared for. A year after we met, we moved in with each other and soon after I obtained a great job (I have an impressive background for my age) and was able to help my partner obtain a position at the same firm, working only feet away from my office. Things were great at 1st, but as we spent more time together, our sex life began to diminish and we became extremely comfortable with one another, which I assume happens in all relationships once the puppy love wears off. Eventually, I quit my job and opened my own business. My partner eventually quit his job and came to work for the business. The business began to consume our lives. Our days began to consist of waking up, going to work, getting off work and relaxing (in separate areas) for a few hours before bed. We didn't spend quality time together, as we were already together all the time, nor did we have sex (and it wasn't because I didn't try to, my partner was unwilling) or do anything special to make the other feel appreciated. The business was sold during the Summer of 2013 and in the Winter of 2013 we opened a smaller business that is far less demanding and allows us to have a personal life again. With that said, nothing has changed with our relationship. We still don't spend quality time with each other (we never talk about how we feel about things going on in our lives or just get to know each other), when we're around each other it feels more like I'm with a roommate than my partner, and we have absolutely no sex (and it isn't because he doesn't have a desire as each and every night he takes a shower in the bathroom connected with our bedroom and I can hear him jacking off). Not having sex makes me feel unloved and unattractive. I don't think we have done it more than 15 times since we have been together. We haven't had any sex this year (2015). I've discussed this aspect of our relationship with my partner several times since we've been together and still, nothing changes. I'm attractive, smart and faithful, yet even when I make an attempt, I'm turned down. The worst part is, since I've discussed the lack of sex with my partner a handful of times, the thought of having sex with him seems awkward as I feel it would only be done to pacify me. My relationship feels more like a friendship. I've told him I'm unhappy and have even made comments which imply that I am thinking about leaving and he seems unfazed. I think he would be extremely devastated if I ever left, as I would be if he did so, but that is also what is keeping us both from acting. I know he isn't cheating on me, I think we may have ruined the relationship by spending every waking hour together for the majority of it, never being apart for more than a few hours? Am I wrong or is having sex at least 2 or 3 times a month an reasonable expectation for a couple in their 20s? Should I accept the status of my relationship and try to make it work, even though I've discussed my feelings with partner? Is it unreasonable for me to feel disconnected when my partner doesn't want to set down and ask me about my thoughts and feelings, thus I don't attempt the same? Am I in an incompatible relationship, as he portrayed himself as a top when we initially met and I told him I was a bottom, but could be versatile, he ended up being a bottom too and doesn't seem to like to be versatile? Should I leave him?
Now I've never been in a relationship, let alone one that has lasted as long as yours has, so I don't feel qualified to give you any advice but maybe this video from one of my favorite Youtubers could help. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br0fqr1jQKY
The question is really about whether the two of you really want to be together. And finding the answer to that requires that both of you be willing to engage in a really honest and vulnerable conversation about what is and is not working. That's always tricky. And it shouldn't be just about sex but the bigger picture of whether you are both feeling connection to each other, and if not, whether you can rekindle that. Sometimes it is as simple as really having that deep conversation where both of you are completely open about what you need. And other times, particularly at your age when you got together, so sto Ed people just grow apart. But you won't know unless/until the two of you can have that deep conversation. You could consider showing him this post (probably not the one you posted, as that will likely get him defensive) and see where it leads. This isn't easy in any case. But if both of you still feel a connection, you can definitely rekindle it.
The question is really about whether the two of you really want to be together. And finding the answer to that requires that both of you be willing to engage in a really honest and vulnerable conversation about what is and is not working. That's always tricky. And it shouldn't be just about sex but the bigger picture of whether you are both feeling connection to each other, and if not, whether you can rekindle that. Sometimes it is as simple as really having that deep conversation where both of you are completely open about what you need. And other times, particularly at your age when you got together, so sto Ed people just grow apart. But you won't know unless/until the two of you can have that deep conversation. You could consider showing him this post (probably not the one you posted, as that will likely get him defensive) and see where it leads. This isn't easy in any case. But if both of you still feel a connection, you can definitely rekindle it.
Okay, I just thought of this pithy saying: "Relationships don't change; people change." It does sound like you and your partner's sexual needs are diverging, and maybe working together has made you a little to dependent on each other. What does he actually say for his side of the debate? If you haven't had sex this year, that is a clear sign he doesn't want to be sexually intimate, which is unfortunate but something you may have to deal with head on. It also seems like you guys are just taking each other for granted, and so you really need some alone time or other friends to hang out with. Not all people in romantic relationships can handle being together 24/7.
At 42 and just finishing relationship #5 I have found each guy has his own sex schedule. My last long term went from 2006 to 2013 and only the final weeks did the daily sex stop. I tried again with a guy 8 years younger than me in 2014 and he only wanted it on Thursday and occasionally Friday each week. Big difference than at least morning and night for years. My point is he may be more asexual? if that is the right word. If you are not being fulfilled and he won't talk than try marriage counseling. I found it did help in 2013 but really it made me realize I was ready to end it. I did just that the week of Thanksgiving that year. I still love him and my heart bleeds every day, but I rather take a gamble on the future having a husband who is more compatible than more years of the same. Do try counseling if you feel you can work through this, but keep in mind you can never get each day back any more than I can get my 30's back I spent the better part of with him. June
