Sorry, this will be rather lengthy. I will greatly appreciate anyone who reads this and can offer their thoughts. I have a friend at school, I'll call him M. So M and I have been in the same course for 2 years now. Last year we worked together some and became friends. I gave him my number on the last day of school last year. He texted occasionally during the summer. We ended up in the same class this year, and have become much closer. We text each other nearly every day. We have this weird connection, we know what the other is thinking without saying a word. I rather enjoy it, but it seems to freak him out somewhat. He teases the other guys at school and acts generally stupid around them, but seems to have some sort of higher respect for me. I tease him and he responds well to it. He will grab my leg to get my attention. pats me on the back and stuff. When we are alone though, we have an awkward silence. He seems to avoid meeting me outside of school, although he has invited me to parties and stuff and he expresses an interest in hanging out. We have only been 'alone' together like twice and it was in public. We have a lot in common, think the same, almost always agree with each other. When we talk, we look deep into each others eyes. We sometimes make eye contact and smile when working on a project while others are having difficulties. He knows that it's only a matter of time before I say something to the others to help. He listens intently when I'm talking, and often repeats things that I say. He always apologizes repeatedly for the most trivial things. He makes fun of gay people, and calls things 'gay' in a negative way. Another friend asked if he was gay (joking) and he said 'maaaybeee'. One day our hands touched and we stayed like that for a minute or two. When I broke it, he said that he didn't mean to have a moment with me. Another time we were messing around with stuff, and a friend said we were crossing swords. We kept doing it for about another minute. When we leave at the end of the day, he gets all weird and quiet and never says bye or anything to me even if I say something to him. He claims to be straight. Looks at girls, points them out and stuff. He has a girlfriend, but has said he's no longer interested in that relationship. Anyway, he's changing classes next year. My heart is breaking because of this:tears:. Sometimes I get the feeling he is trying to avoid me. I really do love him. Should I tell him? I don't want to ruin our friendship, although he already seems distant/afraid at times. What should I do? Perhaps just let him go, even if it breaks my heart. I can't say anything while he's in a relationship, or whatever it is.
A few thoughts. One is many closeted people act homophobic to some degree, to appear less gay. I know I made a few gay jokes I wish I hadn't. Some guys don't know they're gay/bi or haven't admitted it to themselves yet. Often, I try to make my crushes gay. Meaning if I have a crush on a guy I look at everything he does and focus on everything that may possibly mean he's a bit gay and ignore all the straight things he does. My final thought is this: Often times, life sucks, and this may just be one of those times. If you tell him, and he's not okay with it, then how good of a friend is he really? On the other hand, if he's unsure himself, or if he's cool with it, your friendship will be so much stronger. I've been amazed at how receptive many of my very conservative friends were. Good luck
One simple thing you can do is just be less tolerant of his homophobic remarks. Nip them in the bud so he knows you do not respect such hate. Even if nothing goes further between you two, you will have hopefully encouraged him to be more tolerant. Blackhatguy is right. Your mind can play tricks when you have a crush. You're not a mind reader. You will never know for sure unless your crush tells you directly, and even then they can lie. Coming out to him would help level the playing field a lot, even if you said you are just questioning.
The truth is, our friendship means soo much more to me than anything else. I think he will actually be staying in my class for the next year now due to reasons beyond his control. I'm very happy from my side of this, but feel a little selfish about that and also feel bad that things are not going the way he wants them to. He has as much as admitted he feels the same weird connection that we have. I know when he's going to text me at times, I get this feeling or if I'm thinking about him next thing I know I get a text from him. He is quite popular and has many friends to talk to, so the fact that he actually takes the time to talk to me makes my day. Anyway, I consider him my best friend and the other feelings were possibly part of my obsessive nature. I feel like things are back to normal now after hearing about our situation at school not changing.
If you are very happy, then continue what you are doing. But, you will have to make a choice at some point whether to give up on him or to be more obvious. You already said your heart is breaking from the thought of losing him; how will you keep your heart hidden if he's with you every day? Don't try to walk a tightrope of being a close friend yet unable to even discuss you questioning your sexuality, let alone your crush on him. Chances are he already is picking up on something bothering you, but he may not understand it.
Be honest with him. Telling him how you feel will lift a huge weight off of your shoulders. If he is a true friend no matter if he is gay or straight he will stick around. It may even help make it easier for him to come out if he is gay.
He's really my only friend who I actually give a damn about. This is because we support each other when needed, and none of my other friends do that for me. I'm extremely fortunate to have him as a friend. I'd like to know how he feels, but I'm too afraid to talk about it. It feels like we both avoid the subject intentionally, but we have deep conversations pertaining to other matters that I feel no one else would understand.
I think if you support each other when needed, then this a time when he can support you. For me, the coming out process has made a lot of friendships much stronger, even some who are extremely conservative. When you trust someone enough to tell them something like that, they know they're important to you. In my experience it's scary as hell but worth it
We seem to have a routine going. He will start the conversation every other day, and I start it the next day. We text nearly every day, which seems a little excessive for ordinary friends. Do you think? I enjoy texting him, even when we text each other at work. He tells me things before he tells them to others. A while back when we parted ways for the day, I told him to take care instead of saying goodbye. The next time we were together, he said it to me as we were leaving. He usually never says anything when we part ways.
