I don't know how to explain this without rambling. But I'll try. I'm a lesbian from the UK, in love with a 'straight' girl from Germany. We met on tumblr about a year and a half ago and we have been close since. We talk a lot through all sorts of media and even though it took me some time to realise my feelings for her, they hit me hard in the face. 4 or 5 months back, my friend suggested we meet in person, and we arranged a whole trip together whereby we'd meet in London and spend 5 days together in a hotel and spend our days sightseeing. I actually returned home from that trip last Thursday and I can safely say I had the absolute time of my life. However, I can't shake off my feelings like I thought I'd initially be able to, and coming home and being away from her is killing me. I feel like when we were together we were 'getting somewhere'. She knows I am a lesbian, and although she claims she is into men, she has kissed women before and has never been disgusted by it. She also told me over cocktails that if she were to fall for a woman she wouldn't be held off by it, and it wouldn't stop her from trying. We were close. We were close friends beforehand, but when we met it was different. When the streets were crowded she would link her arm with mine. She'd brush her fingers delicately over my arm. She'd fix my hair when we sat together on the tube. She'd ask me every night to massage her back and her shoulders, but eventually I would stop and instead draw small shapes all over her back.. She'd fall asleep to that even though I'd continue for hours. She'd laugh at my awful jokes. She'd hold my hand, but only briefly, she'd let it go and laugh at me with fake disgust because my palms were always sweaty with nerves. She'd sit on my bed and just look at me for no reason. She'd compliment me, and that made me feel amazing. To her I was 'adorable' and jokingly 'the most beautiful flower.' Haha. I don't know if she knows my feelings, but I don't feel like I can tell her. Just in case she really is straight...and I don't think I can take it to have my hopes dashed like that. For a year she's been on my mind like this, and I'd miss her not being there. I can't figure out how I want to feel about this person. I feel too much and I know that. It plays on my mind a lot and that bugs me. I thought that meeting her would make it go away; I thought we'd meet and my feelings would change. It would become a case of 'oh our personalities are so different, oh they look different than expected' and I thought I'd find flaws and realise some reality in the whole story that the Internet is usually just a tool to cover peoples' flaws and allow them to only show their best. I feel like the Internet is where anyone can be anything and appear flawless. I figured that when we met she would be different...she wouldn't be flawless and I would notice that and stop feeling like this. But when we met it got worse.. My feelings intensified by 10000 and she had no idea at all. But then she threw me these mixed signals.. Like their previous words said one things and their actions said another. On the last night when she'd been drinking a little we had a deep talk and she told me things that made me get my hopes up. I don't want to do that, so I'm hiding my feelings from her.. She knows everything about who I am and what I am, yet she doesn't seem phased. She seems to act like I can just be the normal friend like everyone else and they are oblivious to the pain I'm in. I understand that part is my fault. It's supposed to be just stupid feelings but this is always on my mind. It's messing up my life, my mentality and my friendships with other people.. There's nothing I can do. I can't talk to her, I'll mess up our friendship. All I can do is whine about it.. I don't know what to do. I know to better myself it would be the best thing for me to be over her, for me to accept defeat and move away and on with life, knowing that there will be others. But at the same time I don't want to. I feel unwilling to be without her. I don't want to erase her and think about myself and my well-being instead. I know that my world should not revolve around her, even though it feels as though it does; but the curiosity is what holds me back. The 'what ifs'.. What if she is curious? What if she feels for me? What if we could have something? This all runs through my head... Is just this friendship enough for me? I don't know if I can cope with this. I am in love with her. I am hopelessly chasing her.. and I don't know if one day I will look back at this and think of myself as ridiculous, or if I will look back and realise this is a genuine situation that will legitimately affect my future. I'm hurt, but I'm only hurt by myself. I never wanted to fall in love with a straight woman; I've heard those horror stories before and by now I should know that it never works out.. But now I know that feelings can't be controlled and love happens without mercy, yet is not always reciprocated. That's why I hurt... Yet I don't know her feelings, and I'm too afraid to talk with her about it. I know what I want... I want her, but I am not in control of HER feelings and I know that I can't make her love me. My heart hurts. The days spent with her were the best of my life.. With her I felt, for that while, as though I was the best me possible. I don't want to be without that.. I miss her.. Part of me wants to try to be happy without her but she's always there.. She will always be on my mind. I have never found anyone even closely comparable to her. Meeting her made me realise that my feelings cannot be controlled any longer. I'm out of control. If we'd have never met maybe I could manage it but to fall in love with the REAL her even more than the her I loved before and saw in pictures made me realise that this is more.. My world has become real and it revolves around her even more than before. I want a chance and I can't stop hoping, wishing for it.. I don't want to make this hard for her. I don't want to cause her confusion or make her feel bad because of the way I feel. None of this is her fault.. I don't want to force feelings, I want honesty, truth, I want clarity... Yet despite that the end of this fantasy would hurt me more. With nothing to believe in, no hope of this anymore, no more imagining how it could be... The butterflies would cease, the hopes would be dashed, and I don't know how I could handle the disappointment.... I often feel like I'd rather never reveal my feelings and instead just live in a fantasy of 'what ifs' but I know I can't forever... Especially when I feel like a bomb is ticking, like one day the man of her dreams will find her, and I won't exist. I'll just be 'the friend'. Sometimes it sucks to be a woman.. It makes me emotional, upset easily and hurt by even simple issues. It makes me unstable and it makes me difficult to deal with.. But above all, the person I am, the /girl/ I am.... I believe that makes me unlovable.
Okay, this post made me a little teary-eyed. :') Here are my thoughts: This girl has admitted to being open to the idea of being with a girl, even if she identifies as straight. She's openly flirtatious with you, which suggests she might reciprocate your feelings. Even if she doesn't reciprocate, if she's as nice a person as you think she is, you would not be putting your friendship in jeopardy by telling her, she'll understand. If she doesn't understand, and reacts unkindly, she's not the good person you think she is. I think you've got to tell her. I know it's scary and risky, but do you really want to spend your whole life wondering what might have happened if you'd pursued her? Life is too short for regrets like that. Honestly, I really think you should tell her. It is obvious how in love with her you are, and if you express even a fraction of the emotion you've expressed here, any girl would be a fool to reject you. I wish you the best of luck. p.s. I totally ship this relationship right now
Thank you! I really appreciate all of your words ♡ My only trouble now is that I know she is quite a complex person with a lot of things going on in her life that are probably her priority right now. She has issues of self-confidence and struggles with depression. As tempting as it sometimes is to tell her how I feel, I don't want to cause her stress or any difficulties. Even though it causes me pain to keep my feelings away, I'd rather do that than cause her any further unhappiness, stress or confusion.
Obviously, I don't know this girl or what she's going through. While I suppose you telling her could be a potential form of stress, I think that revealing that you feel these things for her are more likely to help with self-confidence issues than worsen them. It's always flattering to hear someone's in love with ypu. I also think there are ways you can tell her how you feel without putting any pressure on her that would cause her issues to escalate. If you assure her that she has no reason to feel guilty about any of this or pressured not to reject you or anything like that, and make sure she knows that however she responds you will continue being her friend and being there to support her, then ho pefully she won't be faced with difficulties due to your revelation. I'd like to reiterate that I can't judge how she'll cope with you telling her because I don't know her; you'll have a better idea than I do. But you should consider that it might actually be beneficial for her to know she has someone who loves her like you do.
As a friend you could help her overcome those things. Don't give up on her, and when she feels better, you never know...
Hi. So I told her my feelings. Sadly they weren't reciprocated. My heart feels torn out and stamped on right now, to be honest. ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2015 at 03:50 AM ---------- Thank you for everything. Regardless.
Hi Shino. Sending you all the hugs I was really rooting for you guys, and I know how this hurts. But at least you've told her and you dont need to spend your life wondering what might have happenedif you had. Other than not reciprocating, was she okay with your revelation? If you need anything at all, let me know! Send me a message whenever xxx
She took it better than expected, but I had to drink before I had the courage to tell her. I just feel embarrassed, yet she understands that I probably can't meet with her again as we were both meeting for entirely different reasons.. I'm keeping my distance for a while. Taking a little 'me time' to watch kids movies and eat the equivalent of my body weight in Dairylea Dunkers..
