I accidentally went on a date with a guy a few days ago. I'm so freaking oblivious to stuff like this and way too friendly. A big part of me was like maybe I'm bisexual, let's give this a chance. At least see where this goes, so I agreed to go on another date with him today. We went out for ice cream, and it was nice. A little awkward (which i guess is to be expected), but I had an ok time. The other part is like, I'm not really attracted to him, and relationships are difficult as it is. He is such a nice guy! He's a real gentleman, but I feel like he expects me to be like every other girl, kissing on the first date. It sort of feels like he just wants to get in my pants, and that's why he's doing all this. We kissed goodnight a couple nights ago, and and just a quick kiss when he dropped me home today because I wasn't feeling well. I'm not the type of person to kiss after only spending a few hours with someone, but he had been trying to kiss me all night the fist night, and he asked, so I kind of felt pressured. I was like why not, I guess see where this goes. I felt very indifferent after kissing him, and a little nauseous actually. Is that supposed to happen? I've only kissed one other person before and the nauseous part didn't happen. I don't know if not wanting to kiss him to is because I'm actually just gay or because I'm just not the type of person to do that. I feel like if it was the right girl, I want to kiss more but I can't be sure b/c i've never been on a date with a girl. Is this how all dates are supposed to be or should I end things before i start stringing him along. Part of me feels like i'm stringing him along now. I know I'm 24, I should have been on plenty of dates before, but i've only been on 2 before this and am super inexperienced. :help:
Hey my advice is to go with the flow and chill a little bit Instead of analytically worrying about all these things like "I'm kinda attracted to him" or "He's so nice I should kiss him" try just to feel your feelings instead. It sounds like you are over-thinking a lack of feelings towards him- sounds like you have made a decision already, with how the kissing played out for you (either reason; if you gay or you're not the 1st date kiss person- doesn't matter. If a girl kissed you on the 1st date, and you weren't down, does that mean you don't like girls? For me that would be a no). Also dating this guy isn't 'accidental' - there is probably a part of you that at least wanted to try it out (and that's ok!). Don't worry about the label (ie lesbian dating a hetero guy, squirrel dating a turtle), the label itself doesn't matter so much - it's the connection (romantically and sexually). If you can't feel either one of the things with him then just say politely no. It might take a couple of dates to find that out- but don't feel guilty about it! That's what dating is all about - taking a chance and seeing what works for you (don't worry about him so much, if you don't want to kiss him- don't). I know it's hard dating a guy and trying to compare that with an 'imaginary girl'. Is there any way to try dating a girl? I went out with a girl for a couple of times and there was a noticeable difference for me- I understood why people were so keen to date after that experience! It took me a while to try figure out what that difference was though (I'm also oblivious)- to be honest I'm still trying to figure it out, heck I will definitely date another guy given the chance just to see. I remember feeling very nervous around her (this happens with guys too) but from the 2nd or 3rd date onwards I want to touch her, like graze her arm or hug for just a bit longer etc. I was a chicken and couldn't muster up the courage to do these things but it's a feeling I've never felt as strongly as with a guy. Ie I wasn't wanting to touch the person because they would think it hot (or for some kind of power) I wanted to touch them because I wanted to (they were beautiful IMO) and thought it would feel nice- simple as that. Hope this doesn't come off as harsh! I'm 24 and very inexperienced too- I understand the feeling "why can't I just figure out what I want, I'm trying to make up for lost time here!". It's great you are trying though don't be afraid to stumble trying to figure it out- just don't do anything only for the other person, you gotta want something too
Hi Erzulie, So little anecdote from me here... last year when I was still trying to figure my orientation out I ended up going out with a guy even though I was pretty sure I was gay. He was very nice and a good guy, but at the end of the day the attraction just was not there for me. I ended up being pretty upset about the whole thing because I guess I pinned all my hopes for being "straight" or "bi" on this one guy, which wasn't fair to him. I spent many years trying to make it work with guys but honestly when I was with a girl, it was just completely different. It felt right, and the attraction was definitely there. I think you just have to listen to yourself during this whole process, because it is a process. The fact that you feel sick about kissing him might be an indication of where your heart lies in all of this though. It's probably best to be honest to both him and yourself. Regardless of if you've been on 100 dates or 1 date, I think when you know you know, and it doesn't sound like he's the right fit. Also I think it's important that you never feel pressured to do anything. Whether you're with a guy or a girl, you should only ever do what feels comfortable for you. I hope talking about it helps in some way
While I think it's very easy to get too over-analytical and serious about stuff like this, I think if you've been on a few dates and you're still not attracted to him then you should start thinking about telling him that you just want to hang out as friends. He clearly has romantic expectations if he's trying to kiss you all the time... and if that makes you feel uncomfortable/pressured then you should put a stop to it. It's fine to just experiment if you find someone you feel comfortable with but clearly something about this guy makes you feel uncomfortable. Sexuality related or not, that's not a good thing, imo... That's just my feeling - and I don't think you're leading him on or whatever because 'dating' is about figuring out how you feel about someone.
How do I tell him that I just want to be friends? He's really nice and I will definitely run into him at work every now and then so I don't want things to get awkward. We're going out again on Monday. Should I wait to tell him then (in person) or should I call him. God this is so hard. What did I get myself into?
I think call him. The sooner the better right? Sounds like you already know what to say, "I just want to be friends". If he asks why - it's cause you don't like him in that way. Don't be cold but try to be honest. Expect he will be a little distant at first, it might be awkward (or not who knows). I'm sure it'll be alright. If it's only been a couple of dates it won't take as long to get over. Thats just my opinion of course- others might say in person is best. Whatever makes you most comfortable. Good luck
Thanks for your insight. I'm gonna give it one more chance with this date on Monday and see how it goes. Is it ok if I do it at the end of the date? That's what I want to do if the date doesn't go well, but I feel like that's taking advantage of him like buying me dinner or something.
Sounds like a plan so that's good. No time will be the perfect time - just do whatever feels comfortable to you (my opinion is you don't like the guy but you obviously can decide for yourself). If you feel bad about him buying dinner give him some cash for your half
