I Am Deeply IN LOVE With My Best Friend

Hello Everyone! Thanks for letting me join this forum. I am glad to be here as I have a story I never shared and I really needed to tell someone as nobody knows I am gay besides me.

Sorry in advance for the long post.

3 years ago, I met at college the person that is now the best of my friends. We are really close and well, I've been madly in love for him for about a year and a half.

The day we met, at class, we sat next to each other by coincidence. At a given moment, and at the same time, I looked to my left and he did to his right and had eye contact for about 3 seconds before we smiled to each other at the same time. We both kind a felt a connection between each other and start talking and became friends practically that same day.

Last year, we talk about moving together to go and work at a Ski Resort so we could be close to the mountains and snowboard. We ended up moving out to Lake Tahoe for the season.

While at Tahoe, we started to hang out much more than we often did back home. We hanged out all day. We lived together, worked together,snowboard together, went to parties together, watch tv and Netflix together (really closely), even slept together in the same bed most of the times! (Even we had our own separate bedrooms)

The weird thing about this, is that every time I wanted to get a little bit closer to him, he would step back, or say something to me like, "hey that's gay!" And then, without notice, he would get close to me. I din't say anything because I really liked it, but it was driving me crazy!

Sometimes people would say that we looked like a real couple together. We even got into stupid fights and discussions and befriends again in less than hours. We even felt worried between each other when we were coming back late to the house. He send me messages saying things like " Hey, were are you? at what time are you coming back? I'm worried". We kind of cared about each other.

Anyways, one night, we came really drunk from a party. He was way more drunk than me and he just fell asleep in my bed . At one moment that night that I can't recall exactly (we were both really drunk), we ended up kissing for a little time, then, he just stopped and went back to sleep. I didn't know what to say or do, so I did the same and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and started remembering what happened the other night while having breakfast. We just didn't mention at all of what happened that night. We both acted as it never happened.

A few days later, I was in my bedroom watching Netflix at my bed, he then came and joined me. He sat a little bit far from me as we normally are while watching a movie or tv. After a while I tried to get closer to him and I leaned my head to his shoulder. He said nothing for about as long as 10 minutes and then he just reacted and pushed me away.

He ask me why I was trying to get close to him all the time. I didn't knew what to say to him. I was really confused and the only words that came from my mouth where "sorry, I didn't do it on purpose". I was really weirded out. We continue watching Netflix from my laptop and then he fell asleep on my bed as usual. Later that night he was big spooning me. I felt angry and wanted to wake him up and confront him as he got mad with me for trying to get close to him but I didn't because I liked it a lot.

Some time passed, probably a couple of weeks and he stared to see this girl at work. They kissed one night for the first time at a party. He was really happy about it. I was sleeping and he came into the room really exited and jumped into the bed and hugged me. He then he moved aside and start telling me everything about this girl, how they met and how they kissed. I was really happy for him, never seen him this cheerful. At the same time I felt really jealous and sad.

Eventually they stopped seen each other, and stop talking to each other. It only lasted a couple of weeks. I never knew why, he didn't say why either.

He, then again, started to get close to me every time we watch tv or went to sleep together. I was feeling more confused than ever, and never said nothing about it to him. I never did.

We recently came back to our hometown as winter is over in Tahoe. He is currently living with his parents as well as me.

The thing now is that I am feeling really depressed because I am no longer spending the time I used to have with him. It never happened to me with another person, just with him. I can't stop thinking about him and every time I do, I get really sad because he is not with me. We still hang out together but not as frequent and is definitively not the same. I miss him a lot and miss every moment we spend together. I would really like things to be back as it used to be when I lived with him.

The thing is:

I love everything about him, the way he is, the way he looks. I can't stop picture in him in my head. Everything on him makes me go mad.
I don't really know what to do this time. If I am not with him I feel depressed. I would really like to tell him what my real feelings are for him but I am afraid of loosing my friendship forever. I want to kiss him really bad al the time. I also don't want to push him so much to hang out, but I really need the urge to see him. Its really stressful and painful. I feel like a deep emptiness without him. Also, I am dying to know what are his feelings for me and his orientation. I am not sure if he is 100% straight because he has never had a girlfriend before, but kissed a lot of them in the past. The thing is that , in comparison to his other friends, he is 10 times more affectionate with me and everyone around us notice that. Even their parents.

Anyways, Thanks for taking your time on reading my post. I would really like to get some feedback. Feel free to leave a comment. I really need some advice.

Cheers!

 

Hi guys, thanks for taking your time on reading my post. I really appreciate it.

These past few weeks have been quite hard since I've been trying to accept the idea that he is just going to be my friend and no more than that. I've been doing that for my own sake as I know it has been not healthy for me to continue thinking that something else will happen between us. The first weeks on college where terrible, I really couldn't concentrate, I even skipped classes sometimes because I didn't feel on going just because I was feeling sad as I was not with him. Well, we no longer live together or sleep on the same bed and I've been accepting that reality. Those things that happened are likely not going to happen again, so that's it. The good thing about that is that it has been helping me in a way because I am not longer aware about him all the time (Even tho I really miss living with him). And yea, Time is the key right know that has been gradually helping me getting over it. I still think about him, but I no longer get sad or depressed as before. I really have been trying to tell my mind all the time that he is only my friend and nothing more, and it has worked (kind of). I mean, I can't be waiting all my life for something that probably will not happen, and, well, he is truly my best friend so I prefer to keep those feelings for myself right know. Our friendship is one of the most valuable things I have in my life right now so why risk it and loose it, right?

We still hang out quite often, and I hope it continues the same way. I can't help myself sometimes on feeling things for him but I am trying to control my thoughts. Eventually I will tell him that I am gay and I really hope he accepts me. What I will not do is confess my love for him, I don't know if I am being a coward by not telling him but I really can't do that. I simply can't loose him as a friend. I can accept the fact that maybe he doesn't love me in the way I love him but loosing his friendship...I just can't. It's too valuable for me and I think is not worth it to risk it. I even think that if I just tell him that I am gay he may probably freak out and stop hanging out with me for some time, I don't know.

The bad thing about this is that as I am choosing to keep our friendship I still see him and well it is inevitable for me to love him. I mean, he's just beautiful. It is quite painful but not as it was before when I used to live with him.

Now, there's only one problem...

He recently ask me to live together as roommates in an apartment for next year. I really do want to live with him but I am afraid that the same thing will start happening as it happened on Tahoe while we lived together. I don't really want that hell/heaven again as it is not healthy for me. I think that the right thing to do is be honest with him and tell him that I am gay, but that will definitely will change everything, starting on the idea that he will probably back off. The other option is telling him that I don't want to live with him but that will kind of destroy him, as I am his best friend and probably the only person that bears his temperament.

 

Hello guys, thanks for all the answers again. It's been a while. Being honest, I haven't been able to go full truth with him about my feelings, nor telling him that I am gay. I had my chances tho but I am too afraid. That is the truth. I don't really know what is going to happen.

Why is it has to be so difficult? I am in a situation that I just can't manage. I feel that I am trapped in a endless cycle. I just can't be honest about my sexuality to anybody, nor my family or friends. I really don't know what to do now. I don't feel confortable at all at any time.

About my best friend, Gonzalo (that is his name), I still see him regularly, The thing is that I still can't tell him that I am gay, although I am 100% sure he knows. Why am I so sure? I don't really know but I can feel it. I guess I am still waiting for the right moment to tell him.

 

Thanks Noir for your answer. Yes you may be right, he probably may not be gay and doesn't understand the boundaries, or he may be questioning his sexuallity as well. I remember one time, not so long ago, he went to a party and he ended up with a girl, he kissed her and everything and then he went with her to her house (he told me all this). I asked him if they ended up having sex and he told me no. I asked him why and he told me that he "couldn't do it" and fell asleep. He then said, all of a sudden "I might be homosexual, I don't know" and then he laugh a bit. Those kind of things makes wonder about his orientation. He really seems straight but once in a moment he acts or says something that makes me ask the question. Well about the mixed signals being affectionate with me, there's hasn't been a situation again where those things happened as when we used to live together, so I haven't got the chance to confront him. We went camping together once, like a month ago and slept in the same tent but he didn't approach to me or I did. Also, he's been kind of pushing me off a little bit, at least that is what i feel. I mean, he hasn't been the same before, in regards of our friendship, I feel he is not making an effort to continue being best friends. I am the one that has been making conversation lately to hang out. That makes me feel sad because I miss him. Before it used to be the other way, or maybe a little more equilibrated. I don't know what is going with him. He sometimes doesn't answer my messages or when he does, he is kind of cold with me and he has never been like that with me.