Leaving the past where it is? Or following my heart?

Hey!
I would say, I'll try and keep it brief but we all know that's not going to happen as with most threads that say that lol

Back around August of last year, I'd been using online dating to look for guys for the first time. I'd realised what I wanted and, whilst I wasn't out yet, knew it was lads I liked. At this time I met a guy on this site. From the first message I was pretty much hooked. We talked for about a month and then met up and things were amazing at the time. I don't ever remember feeling happier inside than that time, although it was pretty nervy as well because I was hiding him from pretty much everyone! We spent a few days together and then met up again later that week. Things just went.. wrong when we met later in that week. And I couldn't give you any more detail because I honestly don't know what did go wrong. We'd been sat together watching TV and towards the end of the night he just seemed to close off. He got a bit upset and eventually came out with the fact that he didn't know what he wanted anymore.

We talked a bit about it and what he meant, but it just led to upset and it all came a bit out of the blue for me. If I'm completely honest, I cried most of the way home in the car. I was completely lost in my own head. That remains the last time I saw him, pretty much 6 months ago now! I'd become incredibly attached to him and sent him a message a day or so later saying how much I hated seeing him get upset and that I needed him to let me know what he was thinking. I missed him like crazy. He got back to me saying his head was all over the place and he didn't know what he wanted anymore. He said he felt happy when he was on his own and he didn't think he wanted to try it all again with me in case he got those bad feelings again.

I'd also got quite pally with one of his friends whilst meeting him. When it all went wrong, she'd messaged me saying if I ever wanted to chat I could to her. It ended up being the nail in the coffin for me and this guy though because when I did try chatting to her, it turned out she'd gone back to him and told him. I don't know the details of what was said there obviously. But at one point I'd messaged her asking her what she thought of the whole thing. It was after he'd told me he wasn't sure anymore. She knew how we'd felt about each other at the start and after saying I could always chat to her, I thought it would help things. So on a couple of occasions, I spoke to her. I messaged her a couple of times asking how he was feeling about things and whether she thought he might ever come round. She said she didn't know what was going on and I tried to leave it at that and move on. But that's where I got a bit stupid. I'd got home from work one morning and seen that he'd deleted me on snapchat. Like an idiot I messaged him straight away, asking what had I done that was so bad it meant he didn't even want to be friends anymore. But I did get an answer at that point.

He said he didn't respond anymore because he'd lost interest. He said his friend that I'd talked to had told him that I'd messaged her and that he thought it was all too much. He didn't want contact anymore. I got pretty upset at that point and told him that I felt like I'd been used for 2 months. I said some nasty stuff saying he was heartless and I gave some grief to his friend too about how I felt. I really was upset, but I massively regret saying nasty stuff to him.

That was it. I've been using the same dating site since and at one point early this year saw him on it. I messaged him saying I didn't want any trouble and could we just try and talk. He agreed but then after a few messages it became clear nothing good was coming out of the conversation and it was heading back down the road of 'my friends are laughing at you for even messaging me again'. I hit the roof again at that point and once again we sent horrible messages to each other. The conversation ended and I thought after that it would be easy to forget it all.

For most people that would be it right? So why am I sat here now, 6 months later still utterly fixated on this very same guy. I can't get all of the good times out of my head. Every time I hear the name of the town he lives in on the news or whatever I instantly think of him. I just can't get him out of my head. Its frustrating me now because I really don't know what the reason behind it is. Everyone I've spoke to since, in real life or on the dating site.. its like I'm comparing my feelings for them to him. And none of them come close. None of them make me feel like he did. From our very first conversation, it just clicked for us and felt right. I can remember the feelings now.

I really feel like I screwed up a few months ago when I got back in touch. I went in with the right intentions but when the conversation went the way it did, we just ended up sending more nasty messages to each other. I just want so badly to be able to pick up the phone and tell him how I feel. But I don't think he'd ever answer now. I've thought about this over and over when I've tried to just forget it all. I've come to the pretty clear conclusion that I really do think I'm in love with him. And until I resolve this one way or another I'm not going to be able to be happy with anything I do.

What do people think of this situation? Why do I feel like this after all this time? I would assume he doesn't think about me in the slightest anymore, so what is going on? And more importantly, what do I do? Is it because he's the first guy I ever fell for?

 

Could it be as simple as the fact that it was the first time? Sometimes I feel like that's the reason, but its like I'm not able to move forward from thinking that. He felt like my soul mate at the time, my family at home (who I told at the time) said I'd get over him eventually and meet someone new. Trouble is, even though I have met and dated people since, I've never got over him. I've been looking back and as you say, clinging onto it

My trouble now is knowing what to do with these feelings. I keep having that urge to pick up the phone or get in touch again, but stop myself every time.

 

I'd very much appreciate some guidance on this from anyone who's had similar experiences themselves. I went through a period where I didn't think so much about this but this last few weeks he's come right back into my head. I truly can't stop thinking about him and I don't know what the right thing to do with these feelings is. Should I get back in touch and tell him how I feel, properly this time, on the phone?

 

Hello, I'm very sorry to reply so late, there's been an awful lot going on this week!
Thank you for your advice, I do hear exactly what your saying but it's also fair to say that I still can't shake this feeling that I just need to get back in touch with him and tell him how I feel. I've no idea why I can't just shake this and move on.. Believe me, I have tried everything to do that! I genuinely feel totally in love with him. Soul mates are meant to feel the same, the thing is he has never told me he doesn't like me anymore and I feel like that's what it is that I'm looking for.

I want him to tell me how he actually feels about me now, because when we were together that's all he kept telling me. How happy he was and how much he wanted to be boyfriends. Then he just seemed to go really flaky and not seem to want to be in my company anymore. And when I asked why that was a couple of months ago, he kept saying 'I'm not a nice person' 'you can do better than me' 'you should forget about me'. He never said 'I don't like you anymore'. If he said that, maybe I'd have moved on better. Because all I want to do now is prove to him how I know he's a nice person and I don't want anyone apart from him. I'm truly in love with him and I want him back in my life. He's the first guy I ever fell for and he's the most amazing. I've been cheated on since and the guy that did that hasn't crossed my mind since.. Losing the first guy hurts a lot more than the guy that cheated

 

I've done the inevitable and I messaged him. Long story short I told him I was in love with him. He tried the usual 'I'm not a nice person' 'there's better guys out there for you', but I persisted and told him if that was the case I wouldn't still be here would I? He asked why I am in love with him. I told him he was the first guy I ever met or fell for and that I didn't expect to still have him on my mind so many months later. But that's exactly what's happening and I'm sure of my feelings for him.

He tried again saying there's better guys out there for me. (And I just don't get him saying that.) He then said 'you should forget about me.' I told him I've missed having him in my life every single day since and once again, that I love him. I left him a message saying he knows now how I feel about him and that if any part of him feels the same, that I am open to talking with him. And that I can't just forget about him.

He finally seemed to open up then. He said 'Look I've moved on since then and you should too. I understand what you mean but we are not meant to be' I asked if that was because he no longer had any feelings for me and he said 'yes and we aren't meant for one another'. So I said it's crazy how we can feel so different about each other. On one hand there's me seeing him as my perfect match. I've truly never had that feeling of love and affection for anyone in my life before I met him and certainly no guy since. And then there's him that doesn't think we are meant for one another. I said 'ok, I can't change your feelings, I guess Ill just have to try and change mine'. He said thankyou and I've tried to play it cool by saying I can't change his feelings.
I've got my answer now.. But I'm totally lost and devastated with it I just want to be with him so badly, I'm not even going to hide it. He made me feel so special

 

That's what I feel like every guy since then has been. Every one I've talked to, every one I've dated, even the one I was with for a short time.. They were all just filling the void that he left. And your completely right.. It's tearing me apart trying to move on
All I keep thinking now is I need to meet someone or chat to someone to take my mind off him. But I know that is just me wanting to fill the void again. I'm always comparing anyone else to him. The way we hit it off in our first conversation was amazing, I can't even describe it. It kills me to think it's all over now whenever I realise that.

A bit off topic but there's something else tearing me up inside as if that wasn't enough I found out very recently that I'm losing my Grandad to cancer too. It's all too much, I feel like I'm bottling up an awful lot of emotion. I'm so scared of losing him and he doesn't even know about the fact that I like guys. Because on top of all this I still need to come out to everyone outside my house, including my grandparents.. Especially now! My mum and dad are saying 'Why say anything when you haven't got a partner yet?' But they understand how I want to be honest with my Grandad while I can though so of course they've said it's completely up to me. I'm lost with so much going on in my head. I've gone back to the first guy I knew for comfort I think. I love him and I want him back in my life now more than ever.

I truly hope the right one is out there too cab8913. I'm feeling an immense pressure to come out and although I want to, I was kind of hoping I could do it by saying to people 'this is my boyfriend' when the time comes, rather than just 'I'm into guys'.

 

Thank you for your reply. We actually lost my Grandad over the weekend, and its kind of thrown it all back into perspective again.
I'm the same, the only people I told were my mum and dad, then my sister and her boyfriend. Currently, they're the only people that officially know about me although there are a few guys locally who've spotted me on dating sites and asked me about it.. they're thankfully not going to out me though!

I know exactly what you mean. Everyone I've met or spoken to since I've instantly said to myself 'they're not like the guy I wanted and they're not my type.' Its the exact same thing every time. Its really nice the way that things have gone for you, and I hope there is a similar outcome for me because it sounds like you are really happy

I did read your message back when you posted it, things have obviously just changed since then.. but I've taken the dog out for a walk a few times when things have gotten tough so your last message did help

I still miss this guy an awful lot, but I miss my Grandad an awful lot more. Seeing him and my Nanna and how perfect they were for each other.. and how much she misses him now.. its just made me realise that if you are soul mates with somebody, it comes effortlessly. They never had to try to get each other back or go through any of the nonsense I've gone through with this guy, they just loved each other and were together from the day they met. And it was as simple as that. I think I've complicated things way too much, and for my Grandad, I'm going to try and make things so much simpler for myself and just enjoy my life and meet somebody who eventually feels as I do for them. He was proud of me anyway, and I know he'd be proud of that

 

Thank you for your kind message, I'm trying my best with this one and it feels like the right thing to do now is just look forward because twice now I've gone back to him and my feelings haven't been returned. At least this time, we sort of went out on a nicer note though without saying anything horrible.

I'm trying to think of what I learned when I was with this first guy and I'm not quite sure what that was. Other than that's the type of relationship I want.. that's why it was so hard to let go of him.. whether I have let go yet is another thing, but there's no way I'm going back now so at least I know that in my head! Its certainly not simple, your right! I hope I find the right person too, I really hope they're out there. I wanted to introduce a potential partner to my Nanna and Grandad and I'm not going to have that chance now with my Grandad. I don't feel ready to just come out, I was thinking perhaps the best way with this is to introduce someone I might meet in the future as my boyfriend and go from there. That maybe that would be the best way of 'coming out'.
The problem I've got now is I'm limiting myself to sort of 'secret dating' because I can only use Internet dating to find potential matches. That's because I can't exactly go out with friends and start trying to get guys numbers because my friends don't know yet! I'd love nothing more than to go out to a bar and see what its like with a few different guys around and getting to know them in that environment. But I don't live near any really and its going to require me to come out to friends and then say 'hey, do any of you wanna come down to a gay bar with me?'. I'm laughing at the reaction I might get from them lol But its something I am wondering about!

 

I'm going to have a read through of that Mystory thank you! If it is in any way similar to what I have experienced it may just help me! I'll be sure to let you know when I've read it, I still find myself looking back at old pictures and messages and just thinking 'Come back!' It makes sense to delete them all I know, but I can't bring myself to do it because it feels so permanent and final!

Its exactly what you said though, it feels like I've screwed up with who I thought was my 'soulmate'. The comparisons too, yes so much!!! I'll be sure to be in touch when I've read it! I've been working nights so I'm drifting in and out of sleep right now, but I'll be on at some point!