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Mismached Libido and General Attachment

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Brenndo, Apr 16, 2015.

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  1. Brenndo

    Brenndo
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    I've met one of the greatest guys, seriously.

    However, we do have a bit of a problem. Despite the fact that I do love him he insists that I spend every day with him, and even though I have spent most every day with him he complains that I do not see him often enough. The days I insist on spending time alone he says that I always cancel on him and that he never gets to see me.

    I have spent about 6 nights a week with him for three months.

    He says he wants to live with me so we can "see each other more often." If I come over and just want to sleep he becomes offended. However, I go to school 5 days a week and I leave at 8am, leave at 4pm with one hour commutes back and forth. No matter how much I give in and spend time with him, it is never enough.

    Now, I know I am supposed to open a dialogue and communicate and he says that's precisely what he wants. However, when I have a problem he becomes frustrated and angry. Soon thereafter he tells me that he's sorry and that he's depressed. I feel like I have to give in to him every time.

    However this is only with regard to how often we see each other. When I spend time with him he is fantastic, he is obviously quite enthralled with me. He wants to do things, go places... he tells everyone how fantastic I am, but not to the point where it is creepy.

    And he also wants sex. A lot of sex. Frequently.

    I have never had a high libido. It comes and goes, and at this time it is actually quite high. However, he wants to have sex when I come over. He wants to have sex before we go to bed. He wants to have sex when we wake up. He wants to have sex before he goes to work, before I go to school.

    Do not get me wrong, sex with him is unbelievable. I don't see him sexually, I see him as him. I am oblivious to his naked body. But sometimes I just cannot handle the amount of sex.

    I have explicitly and implicitly explained to him that it is too much. From pulling away when he begins kissing me or rubbing my back which inevitably leads to sex, or to my rejection of sex and his subsequent hostility. It gets to the point that I dread him kissing me, dread even going over his house when I know I am absolutely not in the mood. When I reject him I must prepare for a half hour of freaking out, but most of the time I just do something to please him. But it's not him that he really wants to be pleased, it's me.

    If I am aroused but don't want sex he takes it very personally. If we don't have sex, but rather we engage in foreplay he doesn't consider it sex. If we had sex 28 hours before he will say we haven't had sex in two (or three) days. He says he can't resist me.

    BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT MUCH INTO SEX! :bang:

    I love him, I have never felt this way before. Ever. In so many respects, but I have thought multiple times that this is a deal breaker. I fear that I won't be able to keep up and I will be so afraid of his anger that I can't stay with him. I fear if he does listen to me eventually, he would cheat on me. And to an extent, if his libido is that high and he did have out-of-relationship encounters, I really don't think I would care.

    This is a serious issue for me, and he just doesn't get it. He is so extroverted and I just want to sit in my room and do nothing sometimes. He doesn't get it. Sometimes I want to be over his house but not have sex, and he doesn't get it. If I go out all the time it drains me, and I need more sleep before school. He doesn't get it.

    Ugh.
     
    #1 Brenndo, Apr 16, 2015
  2. dano218

    dano218
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    Sorry to hear about that situation. I personally seen relationship like this and it ended badly. The boyfriend thought at first it was normal and ok to be with his girlfriend everyday and he than realized she has a major attachment issue and that when he wanted distance she would go crazy at him. It ended badly with police involvement. I know you love him and care about him but I would end it now before it gets worse. This is a very bad sign of what could come next and in most experience i seen it end every badly . I am the same way I don't crave sex all the time and I don't mind being alone at times and if a guy did this to me all the time I wouldn't think about not dumping him.
     
    #2 dano218, Apr 16, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2015
  3. xylaz

    xylaz
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    I would show him this to be honest because you explained this situation incredibly well. You have already provided the reasons to why this relationship is not gratifying to you. You deliberately made points that your partner is oblivious to because you mention he gets flustered. There is a higher level of insight from this note than with an impromptu discussion that can lead to either of you shutting emotionally.
    He'll shows he loves you by keeping an open mind and honoring your greivances. It'll be a thoughtful and sincere note and I'm sure he will get it
    (*hug*) good luck!
     
    #3 xylaz, Apr 23, 2015
  4. Nicosa

    Nicosa
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    Oh man! This is EXACTLY what is happening to me. My boyfriend wants to be with me all the freakin time! I love him though he is great, and I'm so scared of disappointing him. He doesn't get angry or hostile at least just a little sad, but says he understands... that makes me sometimes to give in and be with him even if I would rather be on my own. So how often do you guys thinks its healthy for a couple to be together?. I'm doing a PhD and I'm really slow at work and everything cause I'm always tired! He also has a higher libido than me, and he also wants to please me more than himself! I don't wanna break up with him... Any advice? How is the situation going with you Brenndo?
     
    #4 Nicosa, Apr 24, 2015
  5. resu

    resu
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    Don't ever feel this is your only shot at a good relationship. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable by not listening to your legitimate concerns. Whatever you do, keep going on with your education because that is going to help you out in the long run no matter what your relationship status.

    I do think you should recommend he see a professional counselor about his depression. You can't be the one to change him because you already have found he gets frustrated and angry, which is something he will need to change through self-development. Personally, I don't think anyone should be pressured into having sex; that's very manipulative and dangerous.

    Also, why don't you sit him down and just say he doesn't get it? Tell him you want him to talk with you cooly and without getting frustrated or angry. If he does get upset, it's best to leave immediately than let his tantrum be satisfied with your getting stressed out. Try to be consistent, and if he doesn't change, you may tell him you need a break from this relationship.
     
    #5 resu, Apr 24, 2015
  6. hh43dd

    hh43dd
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    I can personally relate quite a bit to your boyfriend. I myself have some trouble taking distance from anyone I'm in a relationship in. That can have a lot of causes, personally because I have never felt like I got enough care from anyone. Your boyfriend might really be struggling with this or not realise how much it's bothering you. Don't go further than what's comfortable for you. Don't give in to him even though it's difficult. I think that's the best for both of you. You seem to be giving him plenty of attention and care already.
     
    #6 hh43dd, Apr 24, 2015
  7. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Relationships like this aren't healthy at all and he sounds way too dependent. I actually broke up with my ex-girlfriend for this very reason. People need space and most of us can't handle being around someone every day.

    That much sex is pretty unreasonable too, it almost sounds like an addiction since It's interfering with other things in life. As for you not wanting sex as much, It's completely normal. Life isn't just sex, sex, sex. There are other things a relationship needs to survive. And you shouldn't be pressured into it.

    I would personally leave this relationship if I were in this position.
     
    #7 Fallingdown7, Apr 24, 2015
  8. Gleeko0

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    I'm in a similar situation. I do like him a lot but he does seem to have a much higher libido than me. We are not engaged in a monogamous relation, so we do have other encounters, although he does it way more often than me as I am really not into casual encounters, let alone casual and sexual ones.
     
    #8 Gleeko0, Apr 24, 2015
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