Hi EC community - I have a topic on my mind that I want to bring up with everyone here, maybe you can offer me some advice or just feedback. I am in a stable relationship and despite some rough patches things are good. We have a business together, etc. We also are engaged (yay, I finally got enough courage to ask him), etc. We have had an amazing year with lots of open discussions and our sex life has been splendid. Really, it's just excellent, I can see this going on for the very long run. Anyway - enough background. I have always wanted to do a threesome. I did not trust my BF because I was insecure so we never could. We recently went to a resort that's several states away on vacation and we both sort of clicked when we met this guy and decided we wanted to a threesome with him. Of course, what guy randomly wants to do a three some with a couple? Well turns out this one. He approached us and is a pretty cool guy, long story short he wanted to but because of work couldn't that night. He understood the situation about our relationship, etc. I am pretty sure he had more attraction towards me than my partner but we both knew that and it is fine. Anyway, we did not end up doing it BUT now the topic is among us. I have read lots of things online that say it's a terrible idea, etc. But I am not so sure. I am very happy in my relationship and so is my partner. We don't have any weird problems we ware trying to solve with a random threesome and really it's not something we need to do. Our sex life is fine and doesn't need spicing up. However, we both seem to think it would be cool and something we want to do. Anyway the point is... does anybody have any opinions on this? Our relationship is good, we just want to do it because we are both weird and sexual and have the desire to do it. Also he finds the idea of me being with someone else attractive as do I with him. Which is weird, but yeah. I know there are risks and there could emotional attachments or tons of crazy scenarios but we talked about it and well ... it pretty much comes down to we are comfortable with it. We both pretty much liked the guy and he liked both us and that's about where we are at. Both of us have a lot of opportunities to be with other people and we don't because our relationship is fine. We have talked about all the potential scenarios and likely jealously that could arise and for us it wouldn't be a problem. All of that aside, the reason I am hesitant is it feels ... I don't know, morally wrong? We are engaged and society says we should never engage in sexual acts with other people, etc. I have even read some articles that say a threesome is cheating or guiltless cheating. That all makes me feel quite terrible about the subject especially since as mature partners it's something we want to do. It probably isn't traditional but it we both agree, accept the risks and can handle the situation and would find it to be an enjoyable experience, what makes it so horrible? What do you all think?
If you both are fine with it, I don't see any problems as long as you use protection. Just know it has the potential to cause problems in your relationship if you're both not super mature & cool about it. This piece of advice comes from Penn (from P&T): during a threesome, always spend more time on your partner than the third person. This ensures that he knows you're fully into him & the third party is just there to enhance YOUR relationship.
@Guitar - thanks for the feedback. We are we are mature enough and cool about it. Neither one of us suggested this to the other we kinda both just wanted to do it. I am sure we won't have any issues with the basic stuff. In reality, in the long run I suppose doing something like this -always- has the potential to cause problems but it does not worry me too much. We have gone over it alot and basically... the only rule we really decided is under no circumstances should we ever see a person we've done that with again unless we were both together and in accordance. No individual texting or whatever. It's pretty funny, I have been reading tons of people say establish comfort zones and rules, etc. We pretty much decided we are comfortable with whatever, the only real issue is that I just feel weird about the idea of it not sure, I don't mind in the context of my relationship. I guess reading so much where people say if you do a threesome it's because you don't love your partner or because there are secret hidden sexual issues, etc. But really, we don't have those things. We just want to be guys and have a threesome. It just sounds so bad!
are both of you willing to acknowledge and deal with the repercussions this can cause? it really doesn't matter how strong your relationship is, because if there is one thing i've learned, nothing is forever and people change despite what they say, so if you're willing to possibly sacrifice your current relationship to bring either of you fantasy to life, go for it. just remember, as you already read and are aware, nothing good will ever come out of this.. IMO, if you must, do it with some random person you just recently "picked up" and not with someone you know or previously meet and had communication with (aka one nightstand) and never hook up with this person ever again.
@scub - thanks for the input. I think we are but I am not sure we have the mentality that nothing good will come of it haha, if it's definite it will just result horribly it's probably not something we should do.
From what I've seen around the web, some people do threesomes (or foursomes or moresomes) fairly regularly, either as an aspect of an open relationship or because they like to 'play as a couple'. Some people start as a couple, try a threesome (or whatever), and end up in a committed, or semi-committed relationship with the third +(fourth + fifth/whatever) person. Some people <insert every other variation you can thing of here>. I've been in a relationship with a guy who wanted to try a threesome (and wanted this before he ever met me), although I wasn't that into it, mostly because I was much younger and less confident back then (so we never actually did one). I had a housemate who would go to sex parties (a bunch of guys all having sex with each other at someone's house) with his boyfriend and although they did eventually break up, I never had any sense that the sex parties had anything to do with it. My husband and his former partner once had sex with another couple although I gather it wasn't all together in the same bed. I've seen an article in the Advocate some years ago about committed polyamorous same sex relationships with as many as five members. At the end of the day, if you're both confident you want to try it and that it won't damage your relationship, then it's your call. You probably are experiencing some psychological struggle due to social conditioning. On the one hand that can be seen as an irrational point that you can overcome. On the other hand, realize that that same conditioning (and the feelings it is causing) isn't going to necessarily vanish in a puff of smoke just because you try this. If you are going to try it, remember that no one likes to feel like a third wheel and everyone involved should probably aim to give everyone else a fair bit of attention. My 2c worth, Todd
AKTodd thanks for the perspective. I also have seen people in three way -relationships- and that is quite a different level. I think in reality lots of things are possible outside the normal relationship model and it all depends on the person. I am not sure to what extreme I would go or what I would be willing to do but I know in a sexual sense I wouldn't mind including another person. I think we are going to go for it, we established some "rules" which really basically just say the whole point is to focus on each other and make it more fun for us, not ignore each other to be vulgar with someone else.
I have experience being player 3 in a few threesomes/foursomes and each had there own circumstances and outcomes. The scenarios I'll bring up will hopefully give something to think about. The first scenario was 2 friends who were not into each other and me. Going in and out of the experience didn't have any lasting impact on anyone other than me making some cool new friends and a fun night. They didn't really interact with each other (because friends) and more so with me. Second scenario was 2 guys who were basically closet boyfriends and me. Everyone had a good time but when I left I didn't hear from either for a long time afterwards (paranoia from being closeted) but after a while I heard back from both individually and they are no longer together in any way shape or format because of what happened. So this scenario I guess would be the outcome if you two aren't completely ready or just jump into things The last scenario is 2 guys who are married and yours truly. This happened last summer and just recently had their first anniversary, so this happened when they were married for about 3 months ish. They're still going strong, had a great time all around. No negative feelings or reactions whatsoever and I've hung out with them on sexual terms as well. To sum up I think you just need to find the right guy and don't rush into it, it's possible to have a good outcome but be wary you know.
Things on paper do not equate to reality. I personally disagree with threesomes on moral grounds. You've also said that your relationship is "fine" and at one point you "didn't trust" your bf. That is sending me red flags that you two may not be the perfect match for each other, and a third person may be more attractive, not just physically, to either you or your fiance. Leading to a break up. So, I would examine your relationship deeper, because adding a third person feels like an escape to me from deeper issues. If you want to do threesomes and such, perhaps marriage isn't for you, and open relationships are in your future.
@stumble along - Thank for the input. Very cool to know and also very interesting. It's insanely cool to hear about experiences both good and bad on the subject and I appreciate you sharing! @IG88 - that is an understandable and reasonable point of view. Our lack of trust in the past stemmed from poor treatment on both ends especially since at one point I did want to bolt from the relationship. We have long moved passed that and as a person I have matured and since I treat him properly I have no reason not to trust him. Things are really good. I don't see red flags. The entire experience we have had with this situation has been bringing us close and creating interesting situations. I think it's a thin line one walks with this and I also think once we are married I would probably not cross into that territory but we are both adults and I don't forsee this causing an issue. My partner does not worry me, he would be the least likely of the two to search for anything outside the relationship. i also don't feel the urge. I am pretty sure we just think it'd be a fun experience
