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My father wants gays to "just go away"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Asexual Pirate, Apr 21, 2015.

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  1. Asexual Pirate

    Asexual Pirate
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    My father is kinda homophobic (though he hates that word). He says he's fine with gay people wanting to have an institution with legal protections and the same tax exemptions as marriage, but wishes they wouldn't call it marriage because he believes marriage has been ordained by God to be between a man and a woman.

    Anyway, we were talking the other day about the Irish referendum (because I'm living in the UK right now) and he said that he was so tired of less than 10% of the population changing the laws for everyone else. He was tired of gay activists in his face all the time (to be fair, he got cussed out by a not-so-nice activist once for doing nothing but wearing his church volunteer shirt down our main street. Not that I'm excusing his views, just saying he's kinda judging things by one bad experience) and just wished they "would all go away."

    The problem is that he doesn't know I'm biromantic and I was planning on coming out to him in a few weeks when I'm back in the US. I'm not so sure I want to tell him now (since I have a het boyfriend, I can blend in really easily), but my mum is making me tell him this summer.
     
    #1 Asexual Pirate, Apr 21, 2015
  2. bi2me

    bi2me
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    I don't have any advice - I'm hiding from ever telling my parents - but wanted to say, "hi" and let you know ppl are listening.
     
    #2 bi2me, Apr 21, 2015
  3. Asexual Pirate

    Asexual Pirate
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    Thanks :slight_smile:

    I'm just a little frustrated and scared. Hopefully things will work out in the end and maybe my mum will relent and I won't have to tell him.
     
    #3 Asexual Pirate, Apr 21, 2015
  4. Im Hazel

    Im Hazel
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    Why is your mother insisting on you telling him? Doesn't she know the situation, and how much trouble it could get you in. What if he hurt you? Did she consider that?
     
    #4 Im Hazel, Apr 21, 2015
  5. Lyana

    Lyana
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    I don't think it would come to violence. Your father doesn't sound like he hates gay people that much, Asexual Pirate. Actually, he sounds a lot like my parents, who say they aren't homophobic but whose argument against gay marriage was exactly that, that they shouldn't call it "marriage." My father also said exactly the same thing about the 10% of the population.

    The first thing I would do is talk about this with your mother. You say you're not sure you want to tell your father, which is a big red flag to me. Ideally, you should only come out when you want to, to someone you want to come out to, and because you want to. If there's any chance your mother would understand, tell her you're not feeling it. At least try to have a conversation about why it makes you uncomfortable and why it's your choice, and what she's doing is hurtful. I understand her stance -- maybe it's hard keeping something like that from your spouse, maybe telling only one parent makes it difficult -- but in the end, it's still your life.

    If there's no getting around telling your father, though, first -- relax. He doesn't sound like the kind of homophobe who throws insults and hits gay people in the streets. But you know him better than I do. You're his child and chances are he loves you. Ask yourself why you're afraid -- are you scared he'll be angry? Disappointed? Disgusted? Identifying your fears may help you face them rationally. If you think you know how he'll react (but you never really know), you can prepare for that.

    If/When you do come out to him, be firm about it, be honest, and be calm. Don't get angry or hysterical.

    These threads are really great:
    Before coming out to parents
    Parents - stages of grief
     
    #5 Lyana, Apr 21, 2015
  6. TerraSonitus

    TerraSonitus
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    your mother -god bless her- does accept your sexuality but, she may be making a bad judgment when it comes to you coming out to your father.
    Perhaps you should talk it out and if you're ready you should both tell him.
    Because, at least then you will have your mother to back you up if things become heated.
     
    #6 TerraSonitus, Apr 22, 2015
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