So I'm having some trouble with my friends and I need some advice. I've been wondering for a while now why I find it so hard to accept myself when most people accept me, and I realised that it's because the ones who don't accept me are the ones I spend my time with . I know that's immediately a red flag, but they insist that they're completely accepting, they just find it a bit difficult because they've "known me longer". I want to believe them, but today I asked (again) for them to call me Will and was met with "we're just putting it off for as long as possible because it's kind of a big deal " and when I replied that it would easier earlier they replied "yeah but" and no more. They also seem to like to tell me that I can't apply for head boy at school because "It's not normal and the teachers won't like it " when everyone else I've spoken to (including a teacher) says go for it and that they want me to be head boy. It's like they think they're above the law and they can just be dicks and I won't do anything. My best friend is worst though; she's just blatantly horrible about it to my face and still considers herself accepting. She says things like "it's just weird to call you he" despite never having done so and "I'm pissed off that everyone likes you now" when the truth is I've always been friends with most of them, I've just started talking to them more because they call me Will and they're just so much nicer to me about it and everything. She even accused me of only being friends with one of my other friends because they're trans as well. I just don't know what to do, because I've tried to talk to them, but they blatantly ignore me and insist it's fine because they accept me. If they accepted me, though, would they really make me feel like shit all the time? I guess I just needed to rant. I'm just mad, do I have reason to be? Should I ditch them or not? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Hi optionthree. You definitely have a right to be mad, and if I were in your shoes, I would be pretty pissed off, too. Being "accepting" doesn't just mean not insulting you or outright saying they don't believe you. It's normal to allow your older friends time to adjust, and they're definitely allowed to slip up and make mistakes -- but always calling you by your birth name and non-preferred pronouns? That's not a mistake, that's deliberate, and it sounds like they know it, too. And so do you. Why is it not normal for you to apply for head boy? Have you asked them why they think that? If they really accepted you as male, I don't see what problem they would have with it. As for your best friend... I can imagine how painful that must be. It's not eays to let go of friends, but in this case, she's already pushed you away. Even saying "I'm pissed off that everyone likes you now" doesn't just smart of jealousy: it's something no one with your best interests at heart could say. You have tried several times to make them hear you. If they still won't listen, then yes, my honest opinion is that you should ditch them. They're not doing you any good. They aren't being your friends, so why should you be theirs?
Your friends sound awful and I'm so sorry they're treating you this way. I completely agree with Lyana. I also feel like the way they claim that they're accepting is like they're absolving themselves of all guilt for treating you this way, trying to come across as though they are great people and have done nothing wrong, when really they have. I think you need to dispell this delusion they have. I think you need to tell them that despite their claims and their airs, they're clearly prejudiced, and they can't credibly pretend that they aren't. You have every right to be pissed off and I think you should ditch them, personally. And definitely go for head boy. Don't let the jealousy of your so-called friends put you off achieving your goals.
I think the biggest question here is how long have you been out to them? Consider that this may be something completely new to them that they have no reference point to understand. If it's been a few weeks... you could have a sit-down with them and explain exactly what it feels like when they make the thoughtless comments they are making. If it's been longer than that and they still aren't getting it, they may simply not be able to process and accept it and you might have to make the (difficult) decision to let them go .
On the bright side, if it wasn't such a big deal you've gotta admit it would be kind of funny, no different from light-hearted male banter. Seeing you all stressed-out is obviously entertaining for them, in an immature and cruel kind of way. Try changing that comment to: "we're just putting it off for as long as possible because it's hilarious!" ...would they still say that? If so, then maybe you're just dealing with people who are a bit less mature. Maybe it's not all bad, but you might need to work out if it the 'trade' is fair. On one side of the bargain, maybe you're entertaining for them and stroke their ego a little: "of course I'm open-minded! I've got a token crazy friend who wants to be a boy and I'm still friends with them!". But on the other hand, they hang out with you... But you might have to ask yourself is it still a fair deal? People change, friendships change, everything changes.
I've been out to them for over a year, but I didn't really 'clarify' it and talk about it until November or December. t's still been a while though, I just didn't want to admit that I was starting to dislike them...
