I've recently began a relationship with another girl, my best friend for the past four years who is Bi. This started about six months ago and my mum didn't know anything until recently. My mum found out because she spotted a bite mark (I hate the word hickey) on my neck. She was furious saying it was disgusting and she was not happy at all. She went on to ask who did it to which I answered with my girlfriends name. She went on to talk about how she doesn't believe I'm gay at all and that shes asked people whether they have thought I was gay or not. Its now at the point that my whole school year knows about our relationship and my mum only thinks we are 'experimenting'. I have really bad anxiety considering my sexuality and my mums reaction has put me back a huge step to the point that I can't talk or think about the conversation she had with me without feeling overly anxious. I get the horrible swishing feeling in my stomach each day before I go to school to see my girlfriend. And I am paranoid that my mum is going to pounce again and make me feel even worse. I have Asperger's syndrome and because of that my mum is very scared ill be taken advantage of as I am quite easily influenced but I need some way for my mum to become familiar with the idea that I don't know what I am but I know I'm not straight and to make her listen and not just go off her head at me again. She also doesn't want me to see my girlfriend again without supervision and that means, since I am about to leave school in two days time, I will struggle to see my gf and she is soon going to university! I need to solve this problem without making my anxiety worse and without meaning I have to live without my gf. Thank you all for any suggestions of advice for me. :icon_sad:
Well its up to you what you say since you know her best... Do you have a counselor you could talk with about this ? Maybe they could help talk with your mum. Otherwise do you feel an open talk about it with your mum would help? Saying a few things you said here, like her reaction gives you anxiety, and that you know that she tries to protect you. Basically imo she is not very comfortable of you having a friend of either sex. So she might get used to the thought. And she is not sure herself and thus asks a lot of other people to get reassured it might be a phase. You might tell her that is up to you how you feel... there is no use asking many other people... and that you simply feel this way and want to be together with your girlfriend because it really makes you happy... I'd make that my main point... and, well, its not the time she grew up any more. Then people used to hide their true feelings much more, now its much more accepted that a large part of the people really has such feelings. if you have difficulties saying this you might think about a letter or a mail. have a (*hug*)
First thing, your sexuality, i.e. what people you find attractive, is neither right nor wrong and beyond reason, like my (one-time) councilor I saw today said, it's 'just a feeling'. Feelings are what they are. It might help you to understand that this ill-feeling your mom has toward you is really nothing personal. She has been told her entire life, probably, that homophobia is good etc., and has not questioned this, and thus passively accepted it as a personal 'opinion'. She thus opposes your non-straightness. You having bite marks is nothing more than what you feel that it is. In other words, probably not a very big deal (I even think it's kind of cute ). If you care about your gf and it's mutual, don't let your mom's or anyone's opinions stand in your way. The first principal duty of a parent is unconditional love. If she acts like this, she is bang out of order, to use a British term, and should take a serious look in the mirror and be ashamed of herself. I think you should let her know that your feelings are not hers to change or hers not to accept.
Many parents regard same sex attraction in teenage sons and daughters as a "phase", even though it rarely is. More often than not, it's because they are dealing with their own acceptance issues... that's right, just like we struggle with self acceptance, so do our parents. Read more about it here: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief Another reason why parents regard it as a phase is because some (so called) experts and newspaper columnists say so. If your Mum is willing to listen to reason, I would suggest you put her in touch with FFLAG. Home FFLAG supports families of LGBT children throughout the UK and their website contains lots of useful information. If you put her in touch with FFLAG it will demonstrate that you are serious and this is not just a passing fad and maybe she will reconsider her hostility towards your relationship.
Yes, this does seem like her not wanting to accept you sexuality because it is very new to her I think that she needs time to understand this and perhaps a third party will help convince her
I'm really sorry your mom doesn't trust you to know yourself and what you are comfortable with. For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you aren't easily influenced at all or you would have given up on your relationship due to your mom's objections. It sounds to me like your mom has told you that you are weak. Don't believe her. Outing and publicly shaming you like that was wrong. If you are able to, calmly and clearly telling her that what she did was wrong, and why it was wrong, seems like your best course. The only way to stop a bully (and that is what your mom is being right now!) is to stand up to them and call them out. How are you two doing now? Have you been able to see your girlfriend since school ended? Wishing you all the best!
