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Terrified of dying alone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by unknownuser1990, Apr 22, 2015.

  1. unknownuser1990

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone,

    N.B. This isn't spam, I accidentally posted it in the wrong part of the forum. It really belongs here. Sorry.

    I've made a couple of posts on this site before and they've all had the same vibe to them - if you've missed them (and there's no reason to assume you haven't) it's mainly me bitching about being single. I've been on my own for almost five years now following a crash and burn relationship, the other half of which is now happily married and being polyamorous. He has it all including my jealousy... and admiration. I'm a 26 year old professional man with serious issues around my personal appearance. I'm overweight and generally unremarkable, it's sad really.... I just blend in.

    I'm petrified that this is as good as it gets for me. I watch people pairing off around me and having fun (essentially in love or fucking too hard to care they're not) and I'm not. I long for a guy, any guy, seriously - I'm at the stage where a proper dickhead would do - I just don't want to be alone anymore. I feel left out, isolated and abandoned by more more successful peers. Even my best friend, the guy I spend a lot of time with, is on the brink of moving in with his partner and having his time limited in the way this always effect it. All I have are platonic friendships - the kind that will deteriorate into my pathetic begging to be invited over at Christmas. I've gone through 5 years of loneliness, barely having sex (my penis almost blinks in the daylight when I get undressed) and generally feeling the possibility of happiness slipping away form me.

    It seems as if I'm just not the lovable type. My one time being in love and being loved feels like a fluke, an improbability, a glitch in the Matrix - something that shouldn't have happened. I almost wish it hadn't, at least I wouldn't know the difference between the two states of victory and just being a loser.

    What do you do when you don't fit in? When you're not normal? I have no idea. What with my 220lbs, 6ft 1' frame I'm not the slim, bubbly, charmingly air-headed gay chap that seems to fit in with gay society. Even in the years in which I stood a chance, before life put me on the romantic shelf, I just couldn't get laid/make out in a club/approach a stranger because of the inevitability of being rejected for a slimmer, more chiseled better offer.

    My friends, for their eternal patience, constantly tell me different. I'm apparently nice, charming, witty, on the good side of eloquent and (although I disagree with them violently) not awful looking. If that's true, why am I having these difficulties?

    Friends, thanks for listening to the ramblings of future lonely old man. Those of you who are all coupled up, kudos, to those capable of fucking around, extra kudos, and to those of you in the same boat as I am.... this fucking sucks doesn't it?

    Thanks for reading and all the best,
     
  2. Justinian20

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    You know what you deserve a hug (*hug*).
     
  3. wasgij

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    The self-loathing hits a little close to home, so I'm not sure what I could say to make things better, but I can try. There, I already mentioned the self-loathing. You're projecting outwards, blaming things like your personal appearance, and sneaking in little self-deprecating remarks every other sentence. 220lb is what, 105kg? That's not too bad for 6'1". Maybe if it's all flab and no muscle, then you could always change that like everyone else does.

    But the problem is that when you try to fix "details", the goalposts move. It's like when some people get more and more plastic surgery because they're never quite happy with how their face looks. Or they start going to the gym, but then keep raising the stakes. I'm no expert but it looks like compulsive preening, which would just be a different way of dealing with similar feelings that you're having. However, that's not to say that you should do nothing and keep feeling sorry for yourself.

    Internal conflict? Self-sabotage? It sounds like you're repeating some cycle where you're setting yourself up for failure. You even get a reward out of it: people's attention and sympathy. I'm not suggesting it's deliberate, but you might need to read into those 'spiritual' sort of things and see how you can go about learning to like and accept yourself more.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2015 at 02:18 AM ----------

    Also, I don't mean to come across as harsh, just constructive.:icon_bigg
     
  4. resu

    Advisor Full Member

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    You're only 26! (I'm also 26...) The past can't be changed, and the future is [largely] unpredictable, so live in the present! Besides, unlike straight people who may want to have kids, there is no biological clock for you.

    Why can't you get in better shape? Okay, I know that genetics plays a large role in how your body responds to diet and exercise, but I have multiple friends who felt more confident once they started becoming more active and losing some pounds. That's something you can do in the present. What's more is that at your age, many of peers will start to decline in fitness, and so if you can look even better, people will take notice.

    Finally, why can't you start dating again? It's been five years, and are you going to let one bad relationship spoil the rest of your life? You being a professional and, I assume, living independently is very positive because you can start looking for guys in the same boat, who are also ready to have a serious relationship.

    Also, while I am slim, I am not an airhead! I almost exclusively stick around other people who are passionate about their interests and work, and honestly many "airheads" are just shallow and not people I would consider good role models for my own personality. You need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus on self-improvement because that's in your control. What other people say or do are their own choices.