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My boyfriend doesn't know I'm bisexual

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Juliana, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. Juliana

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    I've recently come to terms with being bisexual. I know for a fact that I'm attracted to both males and females, and I really do like it. Personally, I have no issue with it, but I'm extremely apprehensive to say anything about it to anyone because of my boyfriend.

    I've told a few of my closest and most trusted friends online about my sexuality. They have absolutely no issue with it, and are extremely supportive. No one in my immediate life has any idea, though. I don't really think that it should be such a huge deal about telling people some sort of label, and I'd prefer to just get it over with.

    The issue is that my boyfriend of two years has had a very conservative, strict Christian upbringing. He and his mother, who is almost like a second mother to me, are extremely homophobic. My boyfriend and I have several issues within our relationship, and it's not necessarily bringing me very much happiness, but if he can't accept me for who I am, then that's the final straw. I guess you could say coming out to him would be a test of sorts, to see if this relationship is even worth me sticking around. I once hypothetically asked him what he would think if I was potentially bisexual. He told me he would not love me anymore. He told me he'd no longer talk to me or ever want to interact with me. He started asking me if my gay friend from online had started to brainwash me with the "homosexual agenda". I'm very scared to tell him.

    You're probably wondering why I even stick around in such a terrible relationship. Why? I really only have two reasons why. The main reason is that I don't have any other friends at school. He is the only other person that I talk to all day long at school. I used to have a very large group of friends, but when we started dating, he convinced me that my friends didn't actually care about me, so I abandoned them. Two years ago. Not having friends for two years leaves me extremely alienated and isolated from anyone else, utterly dependent on him. I go to a school that is particularly difficult to make friends at. My high school has about 800 kids, most of us have known each other since elementary school. The groups and cliques are already well established. I'm rather introverted anyway. I figure its better to have one shitty person who talks to me than no one at all. Even if he drags me down.

    The second reason is that I care about him, as much as he can hurt my feelings. He does have a few redeeming qualities. Its not unbearable all the time. He's fine a lot of the time. But I'm just not happy.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want to be all by myself. I don't have anybody else, if he can't accept me.

     
  2. jay777

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    Imo you could look for a few people you could like, and have as friends.

    Its unlikely to have all sides of the personality fulfilled by one person.

    You could start by doing a few things you like and which bring you in contact with other people you have something in common with... a group at school, like a photography group... a sports group...

    and you did it already so you should be able to do it again. Its likely the others care for you too if you show you care for them. It just might take some time.


    And maybe you could talk to a counselor at school who could give you a few more hints...
     
  3. IwillBeStrong

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    Hey Juliana! :slight_smile:
    I'm in no way an expert in all this and please excuse my english, but there are two things which particularly caught my eye about your text.

    "I'm rather introverted anyway. I figure its better to have one shitty person who talks to me than no one at all. Even if he drags me down."

    You just put most of my highschool year in a nutshell there. I was introverted, scared to not fit in or find any friends so I just chose to hang around people who where homophobic, dragged me down just for the sake of having friends. I always asked myself why I'm doing this to me but didnt have an answer excpet - I didnt want to be alone. What I soon realized is tough that in order to attract the right people who will love you for who YOU are, and treat you respectfully for your sexuality as well, YOU are the one who needs to treat yourself respectfully first. If you respect yourself, you will attract people/friends magically into your life who will admire you and respect you too. However, if you would respect yourself you would not stay in a relationship where you know that your partner is no good for you, and you know that ultimately if you came out to them they wouldnt accept you. Trust me, it may seem quite scary to think about being alone in the beginning but once I started to get rid of all the people in my life who where not doing any good to me, who couldnt accept me, I started spending more time on improving myself, on caring about myself and treating myself respectfully. This ultimately somehow lead to the fact that I, who have been socially anxious my entire life, suddenly started attracting people into my life who I would completely get along with, who accepted my sexuality and loved me for who I am.

    Second thing:

    "The second reason is that I care about him, as much as he can hurt my feelings. He does have a few redeeming qualities. Its not unbearable all the time. He's fine a lot of the time. But I'm just not happy.
    I don't know what to do. I don't want to be all by myself. I don't have anybody else, if he can't accept me."

    You wont be alone Juliana. Think about how you could spend all this valuable time with people who love and support you for who you are. Why stay in a relationship where you are not happy, as you have stated? Would you really want to be with someone who would actually break up with you just for the small fact that you are bisexual? What does that say about him? What does that say about his values? Would you really eventually want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

    Imagine you let go of this relationship with your current boyfriend and found a guy or a girl who accepts your bisexuality and still loves you for your personality. Who would accept and love to hang around with any sort of people no matter their sexuality. How does that feel?

    Think about it dear. I hope you come to the right conclusion about this.

    I wish you best of luck! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 IwillBeStrong, Apr 24, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2015
  4. bicomplicated

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    Girl, I don't know him but from what you have written it seems as if he doesn't treat you well at all. :frowning2: Do you really want to be with him even if he were to accept you? You said you aren't happy. And you need to be with someone who makes you happy. I'm not telling you what to do. I don't know you, and it's your life. But I do just hope you get happy. :slight_smile: And I hope you are able to make some friends. High school can suck. I didn't have many friends in high school either. I just kind of kept counting down til I left that place. College was great for me, though. Anyway, things will get better for ya, girl. Just try to stay positive. Hugs!
     
  5. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship; even if you do care about him, you aren't happy. And you're afraid to be yourself around him.

    You should really have an honest conversation with him, and if the reaction is that bad then maybe you should reconsider this relationship.