Hi Everyone Im new here and i really need some advice. I have been in a relationship with my bf well ex now i suppose for 3 months I met him 'I'm 24 and he was 27' on a dating app 'yes of all places lol' but we both wanted the same thing a relationship. When I met him there was an instant connection after a few dates he asked me out where i laid out that i dont want cheating, I dont want an open relationship and i want trust & loyalty. I only came out fully in November last year and he was my first ever relationship and i was proud to call him my boyfriend. I found out yesterday that he was cheating on me. I found out through Facebook by a cover photo he uploaded of him and this guy. the first 2 months of our relationship were brilliant but over the past month he became distant and my gut was telling me something was not right. Bare in mind my BF never wanted to add me on Facebook yes i know i should of seen this as a red flag but I loved him and i trusted him and i wasn't going to let that destroy our relationship. Now I recognised the guy in the photo who i now know was his ex...and on top of it all he told me that he was violent and was stalking him at work begging for him back during our time together. At the time he said he was done and wanted nothing more to do with him and i believed him. He also changed his huber twice when i was him. So i texted him to say that he has been lying to as he told me he was away for 2 weeks for work. He text me saying 'excuse me?.... What am i lying about?' I then confronted him that he has been cheating and i even said the guys name.. and he never replied back. I then said that I'm heartbroken and that i deserve better and i know this sounds weird but i did send another text saying that ' I thank him for finally making me feel what love feels like and that i did fall in love with him'. I also discovered although i never confronted him about this that he was an alcoholic himself i knew this because 90% of our time together our meet ups would involve alcohol and going to bars and my friend is in recovery and i went to a meeting with her and he ticked all the boxes. But i said to myself that i would talk to him about it and try and help him because i love him so much. He may not of been an alcoholic but he would blackout and drink so much, that the signs are there. I am distraught, depressed and my self esteem has hit rock bottom as I feel like I'm worthless and i dont feel attractive at all. I just do not understand how he can go back to someone who was like that to him. he told me that he loved me and we even made plans for a holiday together and for him to meet my family. I spoke to my friend today and she said for me to be prepared for a text or call sometime because the fact he never replied shows his guilt and that he may try contacting me but I dont know what to do now, I miss him so much and i really thought i found the perfect guy after so long. Sorry for the long post. Thank you.
Wow. That situation really, really sucks and I can imagine how much it must hurt. I would say that you need two really give thought to *you.* this may hurt a bit, but it seems obvious this guy either doesn't really care about you as much as you care about him, or else he is incapable of the level of emotional intimacy and caring that's reasonable and healthy in a relationship. Either way, the fact that he cheated, dodged andlied when confronted, and never owned up to it... I'd say you should be done. He doesn't deserve a second chance, and you deserve better. I think if you take him back, he's likely to just do the same thing and before careful about getting caught. You really deserve someone who can be there fully, and can be authentic. Without authenticity, there really isn't much of anything to the relationship.
Wow, thank you for posting this & welcome to EC. My advice: move on. You deserve better. I know it's hard to find out that the boy you loved was cheating on you. You may feel like a piece of shit for a couple weeks but hey... If he doesn't want you, it's his loss! You're better than that & you'll find a boy who loves you to the moon a back. Time heals. Trust me. Don't overthink, it wasn't your fault at all
Thank you for the advice. I know i should get over him, and yeah it properly is over. But what bugs me more is the fact he couldn't even own up to, just ignore me as if nothing happened. I just love him so much and i am trying to get over him but i think because i haven't had that closure its just really bugging me. Also the fact he lives 30mins away and is around my local town doesnt help cause i actually do not want to go there in case i see him with that guy. Last night i was so angry my blood was boiling and i just wanted to go round there and let rip but i didnt. Today I just feel like i have been kicked repeatedly and i am dreading the coming days/weeks.
Hey techno, I am sort of going through the same thing in maybe a tiny way, if you need to talk about anything please feel free to message me. I would love to talk to someone who is going through the same thing.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the idea that sometimes, we simply don't get closure. In his case, it seems like he's too much of a coward to even own it in the face of pretty obvious evidence. As such, he is, quite honestly, not even worth your time. I know that may be a hard pill to swallow, but the reality is that you deserve better, and, really, whatever he says shouldn't make much of a difference to you at this point.
I think it's important to take a look back on yourself and see that this guy hasn't been good to you and treated you like shit and I can understand that you still have feelings for him because this guy was at least decent to you speaks volumes that you deserve someone who will truly care for you. The guy shared his meal to you but there are guys out there who is willing to cook food for you even if you didn't ask for it. Please keep in mind to move on. You can't help the same person who stabbed you in the back.
