(Warning: long post) SO anyway it's been a good long time since I've needed to come here for advice or anything. Because overall, my life has been very good recently. Sure, some stress from work and stuff every now and then, but overall I have been content. I have some good friends, I'm finally comfortable with who I am, I don't feel self-conscious anymore...overall, life is splendid, really. No real problems going on in my life. However, something has come up, and I am wondering how to proceed. Let me start from 2 to 2 1/2 years ago: I was an awkward sophomore in high school questioning my sexuality. I didn't like who I was and I was sad. I originally thought I was very depressed during that time, but looking back on it I probably wasn't. Just sad. In that period, I latched on to one friend, let's call her Susie (she's my age). Now, for all of the time I had known Susie, including freshman year, she had been dating someone. She dumped her old boyfriend in the middle of sophomore and immediately went for another guy, let's call him Billy. Now, I told Susie most everything. I even told her I was gay, something I hadn't told many people. (Since that time, I have realized that I'm actually bi. But at the time I genuinely thought I was gay). For good faith and to make sure he didn't suspect me of checking her out, I decided to tell Billy that I'm gay too. While Billy and I were friends, Susie and I were even closer friends. We texted constantly (almost as much as she and her BF did!) and shared stories and shared feelings and stuff. Welllllllll, over the summer, something changed. To be more accurate, I changed. I had been relying on Susie for all of my emotional support, and because of that, my emotions came out more. I had largely ignored most of my emotions before I met her, but now that we were close, they were suddenly coming out. I complained to her and moaned about even little things, like how I didn't have a boyfriend. I went on and on about how I wanted someone. Blah, blah, blah. You know, regular lonely teenager shit. However, sometimes, I wasn't even feeling that down, but I made something up anyway; it was almost as if I wanted her attention. I craved the attention she gave me, and secretly got jealous when she gave more to Billy (I never told her, though. Obviously, duh). And let's add in that Billy had his own problems too. He had been dealing with cutting. Many times I helped her with her problems in those situations...sometimes it was too much for one person to handle. But anyway, one day in the Summer, I changed. I believed, and still believe currently, that my friendship with her at that point in time was relatively unhealthy. It felt too much like a relationship. Not only that, but due to the influx of emotions, I felt sadder. Not only that, but it seemed like I was the one initiating much of our conversations over text, whereas she did not. After some important time reflecting, I realized that I had a crush on her. Well, damn. So much for being gay. I did not, I repeat, did NOT want to get in the way of Susie and Billy's relationship. I would have hated to tear that apart. Not only that, but the fact that a certain intimacy was lacking between us when we were already so close was harmful to my mind. So, I decided, for my own good, to stop texting her and see what happened. When the school year started up again, I was still friendly with her, but I built a wall so she couldn't get as close again. "This is your lane, this is my lane," I said to myself, "stay in your lane." Eventually, as the year progressed, I continued to give her the cold shoulder, and she continued to drift away. We were hardly on speaking terms. After a while, I felt kind of bad about the way I had been treating her and hoped that maybe she hadn't noticed...she was still pretty nice to me. I decided that it was probably best to remain friends, but not close friends. So we have a relatively friendly relationship now. Nowhere near as unhealthy as it was earlier. But nothing was said about the drift. I'm not sure how she took it, or if she even cared. However, to be honest, I had stopped caring also. I had moved on. ...or so I thought. Today I heard that this weekend that Susie and Billy broke it off. I asked Billy, and he confirmed it: in fact, it was him who ended it on Saturday. This surprised me, because I would have suspected that it would have been Susie who would have broken it off, as Billy was an incredibly emotionally unstable and dependent person. However, it appears I was wrong, and in fact the opposite was true: she was dependent on him. Apparently, they're still on good terms, and he claims that it was relatively mutual (even though he initiated)...however, I think she's emotionally damaged. I didn't see Susie in school today. Apparently, she's "sick." But everyone knows that she's still really upset. This is a person, to put in perspective, who has had an emotional connection to for over a year and a half. When I was close to them, their relationship was deep. And I mean DEEP. She is more than likely a wreck right now, and I am very concerned about her. Not only that, but some feelings are resurfacing that there maybe, just maybe, could be a chance. So, with all that in mind, what should I do? I kind of want to contact her (AS A FRIEND, don't worry) just to try and comfort her. Offer her an olive branch and hope I didn't burn down the entire bridge. But is this the wisest course of action? Maybe it would be inappropriate. Also, do you think it would be wise to EVENTUALLY approach her about a relationship? I don't know if she likes me like that or not...even though I thought I had gotten over her, it's still complicated...damn you mushy, confusing feelings! I also don't think it would be a good idea to try to do this right after she had finished a long term relationship...but still, you know. What do you think? I'd really appreciate some thoughts on this...any advice is welcome. (Also, I warned you)
