Hello everyone. This post is unrelated to LGBT issues, but because I am a member of the LGBT community, I feel more comfortable seeking help from those who are also in the community. I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of the post. Last summer, I studied abroad in China through a program offered by my university. I was not able to cover the full cost of the program, so I started looking for ways to help fund the trip. My mother's mother offered to help cover the cost because (I'm paraphrasing here) she really wanted to see me succeed in my studies. The terms of accepting the money were that I needn't feel guilty for accepting it and that we would discuss repayment in the future. Having previously had a bad experience with borrowing money from her side of the family, I was reluctant to accept it. Ultimately, however, I was too desperate (or just too dumb) to say "No." I had no other options. In the fall, my grandmother asked me to come help her around do some heavy housework (wallpaper removal and painting) as repayment. I didn't mind helping, but I almost never had the time because, in addition to the full load I'd had at school, the routine care I give my mom and little sister had become more demanding: they're unable to care for themselves fully due to illness (my mom has an autoimmune disease and my little sister has serious health problems as a result of brain surgery to remove a tumor), so I help out a lot when my dad is out of state for work. In September '14, my mom had esophageal surgery, which made her even sicker than usual for a long time because her body is not healthy enough to recuperate like a normal person's body can. Besides the greater amount of chores I'd had to take on during that time, I was studying almost constantly. Usually, I can balance school and caring for them, but I had to drop a class due to inability to keep up with it all. My grandmother said she understood and that we would get around to working eventually. Fast forward to mid-February of this year. Things had gotten worse. My dad had broken his back in December when he wrecked his 18-wheeler, so I was even busier at that point than I was during the fall semester. However, I finally had the money to pay my grandmother back without hurting myself financially. She refused to accept it, said the money was a gift, and told me not to worry about it anymore. Once more, fast forward several months to now. My grandmother knows I am taking a summer break while my mom recuperates from a second surgery she had in March to fix something that went wrong the first time. My mom told me last week that my grandmother expected me to do more for her since she loaned me that money, so she had my mom ask me to help my uncle completely redo her bathroom (no longer just wallpaper removal and painting--she wants a total redo). The work would not be a trouble for me if it meant getting rid of the debt. Additionally, my parents are not so unable to care for themselves at this point that I can't leave them. The problem is that I do my very best to avoid my uncle. He's bullied me ever since I was young. Any time I have gone out of my way to help him, he's been totally ungrateful and critical of my best efforts to help. Even though he's on welfare and does not work (despite being perfectly capable), he criticizes my very sick mother for being unable to work. If it isn't me, it's someone else I care about that he criticizes when I'm around him. I have zero respect for him, so I do not feel bad for refusing to help him. However, that old debt that my grandmother has decided to hold over my head (after refusing to accept repayment when I had the money) is what makes me feel obligated. So, I said that in addition to taking charge of the cleanup after my uncle finishes redoing the bathroom, I'd pressure wash her house, paint, and clean twice a month to lower my debt and then repay her when I get a surplus of student aid in August. She still says she doesn't want money, so I'm starting to think she wants heavy work at a low price rather than a simple repayment. I guess what I need is a second opinion. My parents do not get on well with my mom's family and my fiancée would do anything to protect me (even when I'm dead wrong), so they're all biased. What I feel I need is an objective view of the situation. Should I feel bad for refusing to help my uncle even though I owe my grandmother? I feel like she would still benefit from having my help even if it were not in the form of helping my uncle. But is what I've offered her enough? I feel like scum for borrowing money from her in the first place, but I thought she had wiped the debt clean when she told me not to worry about it anymore. I don't mind the labor, but I can't stand the fact that she refused money when I had it to give her and now wants to guilt me into working with my uncle. Any advice at all would be helpful! Thanks!
Here's the deal. You took money from your grandmother. Either it is a gift (in which case, there are no strings, no expectations whatsoever, no guilt, and absolutely no commitment to do anything) or it is a loan (in which case, it needs to be paid back.) Your grandmother wants to have it both ways. This is not ok. If you are certain that you won't need her help in the future -- and I'd advise that if there's any way possible, you make this happen -- then I'd have a friendly, respectful, but very clear conversation with your grandmother and explain the above, pretty much exactly as I put it. Make it clear that you aren't comfortable with their being any guilt or expectations, or strings attached to the money, and that you are happy to pay it back (with a reasonable amount of interest, if she tries using the "opportunity value" of the loan). If she refuses, then I'd say something to the effect of "I would feel more comfortable repaying because I don't want there to be any debt or strings or guilt attached to this. However, if you are absolutely unwilling to take the money, and insist it was a gift, I'd like your agreement that this is an unrestricted gift, with absolutely no strings, and it isn't reasonable to expect anything in the future as a result." The behavior she's exhibiting is classic controlling behavior, and the only way you can solve the problem is by directly calling her on the behavior and offering options and making her choose. lf, in fact, she chooses to make the money a gift, then I'd go one step further and say that you'd like both of you to sign a simple letter (that you've pre-prepared) saying that the money is a gift and there are no strings or expectations associated with it. Just the act of doing that will make it clear to her. My guess is, she'll probably get mad and offended -- people who are controlling don't like having their control taken away -- but once she settles down a bit, she'll be OK with it. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you're willing to accept her controlling behaviors (which could go on for decades) or simply call her on it, go through the discomfort of that, but have clear boundaries between you. I'll always vote for the clear boundaries.
I agree with chip 100%, what she is doing is not ok. You need to have a direct and clear conversation with her to decide what needs to be repaid if anything. If she really wants the labor maybe strike a deal that says you'll pay her back the full amount and instead of interest offer to clean up after the remodel (so you don't deal with your uncle) and a couple other chores. Just compromise with her, but make it extremely clear that once this deal is made and once it's paid off. that's it. I'd also avoid borrowing in the future since it seems this is a problem.
