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Feeling insecure about dating someone unhealthy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dano218, May 1, 2015.

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  1. dano218

    dano218
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    I don't mean this in any offense first of all i mean well by saying this because it has to do with my bf's death. Well as much as I loved my bf and supported him no matter what he struggled to maintain a healthy diet. Now that i am going to start dating again I am somewhat insecure about dating someone on the unhealthy side. Don't get me wrong I am a very kind loving person who does not judge or hate anyone for their weight or anything like that but i am somewhat insecure about it and and need some advice. I do know completely that a healthy person can die tomorrow from any kind of illness and that this insecurity maybe irrational but it is kind of a problem for me.
     
    #1 dano218, May 1, 2015
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Hey, Daniel.

    I think, having just been through the experience you've had, it's completely natural to have, as a trigger, anything that might remind you of an earlier situation. We all do it... people whose parents are controlling have triggers toward control; people who have been around violence might be deathly afraid of any strong emotions, so your fear is completely understandable.

    And this is sort of a delicate territory to tread in, but I'll go there just to give you the opportunity to think about it. I know that you are into older guys, so obviously you're going to need an older guy that's into younger guys.

    Unfortunately, this also means, with few exceptions, people who have some sort of issues, because an emotionally healthy 40 or 50 year old isn't going to want to date someone half his age. So what this basically means is, on the whole, someone who has the emotional baggage that makes dating someone younger seem healthy and normal is more likely to have other self-esteem issues, which people act out in many different ways. Some do it with food; others drink or excessively or use drugs. Some are workaholics or exercise-a-holics.

    In your case, given your previous partner, your sensitivity is to food/weight and the risks that come from that. But the above risks are just as real. The 60 year old workaholic who keeps in shape and is in apparent perfect physical health can still drop dead from a heart attack because his adrenals are so depleted from the stress of his job.

    I suppose, other things considered, someone who isn't overweight, eats well, minimizes use of alcohol and doesn't use drugs is going to be a lower risk than someone who has some or all of those issues. But there are also 70 year old guys who are grossly overweight, have diabetes, but are still basically functional.

    Everything is a balance. If you were interested in exploring the issues that likely cause or contribute to your attraction to older guys so that you could resolve that and find yourself more attracted to healthier people around your own age... that would be the best possible outcome in terms of health risks. But as you say... anyone can get hit by a bus, or have some sort of freak medical condition appear out of nowhere. So really, it's more about your level of risk tolerance, what's most important to you, and trying to balance everything out. And at the end of the day... I suppose most important is that it's someone you really feel connected to and deeply love.
     
    #2 Chip, May 2, 2015
  3. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    It's absolutely understandable. I wouldn't date a person if s/he lives an unhealthy life, for example taking drugs, drinking excessively, fucking around without a condom, or being obese and still eating junk food or neglecting their body in any other way.

    There are many things that a person can do to maintain a healthy life and body, but if one is not willing to do it, then that shows some lack of willpower, that will cause even more problems later on.

    If there's a hereditary or acquired disease, I would also think twice (okay, a lot more than that) before dating them. My uncle married my aunt despite her being diabetic, and despite his parents advising him not to. She's less than 50 years old, and she has to use an insulin pump all day, paying attention to not eating sugar (which she DOES sometimes, see the above about willpower) and such. Her vision is deteriorating, and sometimes she feels really sick, she's a regular at the doctor's office. Fortunately for her and their daughter, my uncle has a personality that is perfect for this situation.

    The bottom line is, a person who lives an unhealthy life by choice, or a person who has a serious disease, has a bigger chance of developing pretty bad problems later. Sure, anyone can die from a number of causes, but I would seriously consider NOT dating someone who has really bad medical issues. It's not insecurity for you, it's logical attitude. Nobody wants to see their loved ones wither and/or die or just suffer. Suffering breaks lives. Believe me, I know.
     
    #3 HunGuy, May 2, 2015
  4. dano218

    dano218
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    Thanks. I know this is topic we disagree on but I respect your opinion and understand your concerns I really do. First of all I more focused on dating guys my age. Yes am I open to other guys who are older sure but I realized putting focus on that is just gonna leave me bitter and alone if I just show an interest in that group. As far I now there is nothing mentally wrong with that caused me to like older guys it is just a simple attraction that gave me interest in them. Believe me I had a good upbringing and a good relationship with my father. And no I feel no incest attraction to him at all. But now I realized guys my age are just as open to a committed relationship and there are more guys I can relate too than there were when I lost my interest in them. I really did try to date youngers guys but all I was getting was sexual advances and that was a turn off for me. But times has changed and I am past that perception. Their was nothing wrong with my partner besides his health issues and we had a good relationship and I am open to my age group and somewhat older that.

    ---------- Post added 2nd May 2015 at 07:42 AM ----------
    Thanks. I appreciate it. I have a good heart and yes I have a problem not being the bad guys but there comes a point where you gotta think about yourself and what you risk putting yourself through. Do I a judge a person who lives a unhealthy lifestyle of course not but i thinking in the long term dating someone who is obviously unhealthy is gonna probably lead me to more pain down the road. I cannot put myself through that again and if that means I didn't love my bf so be it because i really did and I have to think about myself and what I want in life. Like Chip said a reasonably healthy person can die tomorrow and I cannot be too irrational but I am not gonna put myself down for minimizing risks.
     
    #4 dano218, May 2, 2015
  5. Fry

    Fry
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    Knowing what you want is important. If you want someone who lives a healthy lifestyle then look for that. If you yourself also live a healthy lifestyle then it would only make sense to look for someone who is also living that way. My girlfriend and I both healthy eaters and enjoy working out together and I would find it very hard to be with someone who was not like that. If keeps us strong as a couple and its something we can share together.
     
    #5 Fry, May 2, 2015
  6. dano218

    dano218
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    [YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE]
    Thanks. It is not like I am amateur at working out or anything like that I do like to stay reasonably active and it is not like I couldn't love someone who had some unhealthy eating habits and was trying to making improvements like my boyfriend really was. I mean despite his craving for food and his urges to go all out he still had the need to stay active and really did try to keep in shape regardless of temptation everywhere. But in all reality I want to find someone to love who is reasonably healthy and active in maintaing a healthy lifestyle. They don't have to be perfect but as much as I loved my bf I cannot put myself through that again worrying he might die. But than again back to my other point a health guy can die too at the same time. Life is messed up that way i guess.
     
    #6 dano218, May 2, 2015
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