The feelings are gone. So why am I thinking like this?

For the last few months I've been… well, pretty infatuated with my friend. To me it felt like it was a crush, or at any rate beyond friendship; I wanted to be around him most of the time, one-to-one especially, I really liked the way he looked, and even had various fantasies about him/us. In my mind's eye he was definitely singled out as my "most important person" so to speak.

Now it's at a point where the feelings have subsided. I don't really fantasise about him any more. I still like looking at him, but don't feel the need to "get in close" as it were. I'm not getting the rush I was at the height of my feelings for him. In short I think I'm starting to view him as a friend again. I like to think this is because I've simply come to a better, more nuanced understanding of my relationship to him; that he's a close friend who is very important to me and that I guess I got swept up in that enough to misinterpret my view of him.

But there are still some small roadblocks in my way. I find myself still wanting to hang out with him, still preferably one-on-one. In fact, when I was talking with him about plans for him to visit me in the summer he suggested another friend visiting me at the same time as him. Naturally I agreed, but inside I felt… disappointment, almost? I was really looking forward to him coming to see me in summer- just me and him, and for a moment I almost viewed the other friend as an obstacle- someone I should try to get out of the picture. This tendency to neglect other friends in favour of him leaves me quite disappointed in myself, but also makes me wonder why I'm being so possessive of this guy.

There's other, smaller things. I have some pictures of him, and for some reason they remain open on my PC. I'd like to say I'm not attached to them, but even to me that claim seems downright inconsistent with the fact that I'm apparently reluctant to close his pictures. Also I don't like to admit this, but when he doesn't reply to a message after a while or is out with other friends it leaves me in an odd mood which usually has something to do with him. It shouldn't affect me, but it seems to.

I won't go on because you probably get the picture. This is just puzzling to me. I am pretty sure I'm not attracted to this guy and simply mistook a close platonic bond for some kind of attraction to him. But if my feelings are neither here nor there, then why these behaviour quirks? Why, if my feelings towards him have returned to normal, will my mind not do the same? There's no point in thinking about him like this, so I don't know why this piece of my mind makes me...

 

Thanks guys, for your thoughtful responses. In fact I'd say you each explained what I'm feeling better than I could :lol:

I agree with your points about becoming attached to the relationship. I think I must have had this reaction to him because he strikes me as exactly the kind of friend I want. I feel as if I can present around him the most authentic version of me I can bring myself to present, which has been important for me since it's helped me continue to build confidence and get to know myself better. I think it's in large part that which has given rise to these intense feelings; I just feel like we connect. And since I haven't had or even felt the need for someone to share such deep feelings with yet, viewing a friend with this sort of intensity is, well, a novelty to me. I guess it just took me by surprise.

Also I can relate to that feeling of being addicted to these emotions. Every time I think to myself "time to move on, you need to let go of these feelings now" there's always a childish voice that says "but I don't wanna!".

In light of your helpful posts, it definitely feels to me like I'm in a transitional phase between having those all-out feelings for him and having a tempered yet still deep respect for him as a friend. At this point in time, I guess you could say I'm attracted to the idea of the feelings, as a halfway house on the way to moving past them.

@PatrickUK Although I can't imagine myself pursuing a relationship with someone like that and can't see myself opening up that much (I feel like I still need to work on myself a bit), I will try and pay more attention to other friends I have as well as find some new ways to develop. You raise an important point for me though (although it might not be what you intended), because I would say that I should be more open with my feelings- I'm beginning to notice that my lack of openness with feelings and such is one of my more counter-productive traits. Maybe these feelings might have been resolved quicker and saved me lots of mental energy if I'd told my friend about them or just told someone.