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Thought I was straight, but I have feelings for my gender fluid friend...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Trifo, May 9, 2015.

  1. Trifo

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    So a friend of mine just came out to me as gender fluid. I was crazy into them last year when I didn't know they were gender fluid, and we used to flirt and text and it seemed likely we would start dating, but nothing came of that and they ended up dating one of my closest friends for around 8 months.
    I didn't talk much to either of them during that time, and when my friend came out to me was really the first time we'd talked in about 5 months. Then we talked a lot that weekend, and they're in my 2nd semester health class so we've been talking a bit during that. They shared their tumblr account with me when they came out, because that's where they really express themself.
    Anyway, they used to be male. But they tell me that almost 95% of the time they're actually female rather than male or nonbinary. I'm female, and I thought I was straight. But the pictures they put on their tumblr of them with make-up on and in dresses and all that, they take my breath away.
    I think because there was no closure with our relationship in the past, I never entirely lost my feelings for them. And talking with and seeing them so often again just drudged everything back up. So I'm wondering whether I only like them because, well, it's THEM, or if I might actually be attracted to women? And is this just a fleeting feeling? Am I just caught up in the excitement?
    They say they're more inclined to like women even though they're polysexual, so I have this crazy idea that there's a chance we could be together. But if they didn't want me before, why should I believe they'd want me now!?

    So I guess if I boiled everything down, these are my biggest concerns: Are my feelings for them valid? And should I pursue a relationship with them?
    I'll be honest since mid-sophomore year (it's late in Jr year now) I've been contemplating whether or not I was bisexual. I knew I could be romantically attracted to a girl, but I never wanted to believe I was sexually attracted to one. There have been two girls I've felt physical attraction toward though, if I'm being honest with myself. And I've certainly been struck by women I've met in shops and such before. Only I'm reluctant to admit to myself that I might be bi until I actually have a relationship with a girl. I love the LGBTQIA community, so I've always felt like I was forcing myself to be queer, which made me try my hardest to stay straight. So now with this crazy rejuvenated attraction towards this person, despite their being gender fluid, I want to think that I am bi! But what if I'm not!? What if the only reason I'm still into this person is because deep down I still see them as a guy? That's why I'm not sure my feelings for them are valid. And being that they're gender fluid, would my being attracted to them make me also polysexual or pansexual?
    As per a relationship being plausible, I'm somewhere like the 30th person they came out to. So it's not as if I'm that special to them. And yeah they're into girls, but there are plenty of girls out there who are leagues better than I am. I also feel so unsure about everything concerning my feelings here, that I'm making no direct attempt to flirt. And as I mentioned, we nearly dated last year, I'm afraid they'll just never want to date me. To make things worse I'm afraid they'll have the same concerns as I do about my intentions, that they'll think I'm just running on old feelings and that I'm not actually attracted to them because I'm supposedly straight!

    I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just the most insecure and unsure person ever, and this has been weighing on me. I'd like either to drop it and call it just an infatuation, or fully commit. Do you think I'm straight? Do you think I should try to have a relationship with this person? Thank you so much for your time and advice if you do end up answering me and my crazy questions. :icon_sad:
     
  2. MirandaJK

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    I'm afraid that I'm not going to be much help to you because I also just joined this site due to recently discoveries/feelings of my own. However, I feel as though maybe you should talk to this other person and share your concerns with them. Maybe they chose to tell you because they have feeling for you, but chose to tell other people first so the feelings wouldn't be as noticed? That sounds like something I would do to mask feelings for someone. A way to find out how you feel about them without putting you on the spot. I know this is easier said than done, but invested been trying to convince myself of this same advice, just jump. You never know what lies ahead and at this point, what could a conversation with them lose you? If you've barely talked for a few months, you have been able to live without them. It is possible. While if things work out, you both end up happy. Best of luck to you! :slight_smile:
     
  3. wasgij

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    I totally get that these days it's pretty well accepted that people just have to feel trans and BAM! they're trans. But that doesn't automatically change their biological sex, so it doesn't suddenly make you gay or straight just for being attracted to their body either. That said, the brain is the biggest and most important sex organ in the body, so it's completely up to you how you see yourself.

    It depends? It sounds like you've got a lot of things on your mind and you're realising things faster than you can get them down on paper. 'Straight' or 'gay' labels and just labels, not rules that we somehow promise to abide by.
     
  4. Trifo

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    Thank you for your advice MirandaJK, I appreciate it. I think it's too soon to jump into anything, but maybe I will talk to them about it. I'm not the most confident person, so I can't imagine I mean that much to them. Either way I can live without them I guess, but it's so nice to have them in my life again I don't want to do anything to ruin it. So I'll play it by ear for awhile, again thank you!

    I hadn't thought about it that way wasgjj, you have a really interesting take on things. I guess you're right, they do still have the same body, and as of now don't want GRS. You're also right that my perception of things probably has more to do with my feelings than orientation guidelines. Maybe I've been thinking way too much about this, I'm like beating myself up for being confused. So yeah too much has been running through my head, so like I said to Miranda, I'll just play it by ear, I'll take things slow. Hopefully I'll figure myself out along the way. Thank you so much for your advice!
     
  5. wasgij

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    Yeah. Relax :wink:

    LOL no chance... j/k

    You know, "Clarity" was an addictive drug in the movie "Minority Report". Ten years ago (I was 22) I was like "yeah, I just need a bit more time and then I'll have the whole marriage-job-life-goals thing all sorted out... any minute now..."
    It might never happen, and that's OK.
     
  6. Nbaker

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    Hey Trifo. I was just reading your most recent response on someone else's post and for some reason it sparked me to write this little message to you. Currently I'm going through the dilemma of figuring out if I'm bi or lesbian and the thing you mentioned about how "you feel like you wish you were 100% straight or 100% lesbian" was something I relate to so much. I wanted to ask you about how you figured out everything because maybe I can learn something. Oh and right now I've fallen for one of my best friends who I've tried to convince that I don't like, but I can't. So... yeah...