So the short of it is, last year, I got raped. Fast forward to this year, I'm now in a relationship and I can barely be touched in a sexual way without having an anxiety attack. Warning: Pretty graphic description of rape and sex follows For some more details, so I had a kind of thing with this guy last year, which was going fine, until one night at his place, we were making out, but I really wasn't feeling like it, so I explicitly told him that I didn't want to have sex tonight, which he seemed to respect at the time, then we went to sleep in the same bed. I wake up because he's sucking on my dick. The actual act in itself is not so much the problem, more the deep sense of violation. I cut off contact with him straight after this and haven't talked to him since. Now to now, I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, which has been going pretty well everywhere except the bedroom. We had sex a couple of times, which I found very uncomfortable in a mental way, but I went along with it, because I know it's important to him. The last time we had sex, a couple of months ago, I pretty much flipped out, spent an hour in the next room in the shower, then couldn't speak and went home. This is further complicated by the fact I have reasonably bad anxiety to go with my bipolar. We haven't really even attempted sex since then, but I know it's an issue for him, as he feels like I don't find him sexually attractive, which I know isn't true, but I can't really demonstrate that to him, because I find even him getting a boner when we've showered together quite anxiety inducing. I guess I'm at the stage where I'm just wanting to be able to deal with this, but I really haven't found a way to yet. I like sex and I want to be able to have it without completely disconnecting. Any ideas?
First of all, please let me say that I am sorry you had to go through something so terrible. :hugs Secondly... I wish I could help more.. but I really don't have any experience with that sort of thing. But I wouldn't rush anything, and maybe try talking to him about it? if you can that is..
I agree with MetalRice. Talking is the best thing to do, if you can. Make sure he knows this happened to you, even if you don't go into too much detail with him. A therepist may also be able to help with the mental side of things.
Rape can really mess with your sexual life (I would know...) Don't let this discourage you, but for me it took some 11-12 years to get over... and yes' I am now 19. A therapist could work. For me though, it didn't help squat. The only thing I wish I would have done differently is to be more open to possibilies rather than just bow to escapism. Though, if I'd have told myself that then, I'd have laughed or thought I was crazy. I suggest you talk to your partner. If it's one thing that would have been incredily difficult but still might have helped if I look back, I could have reached out more. Tell him that maybe you prefer having your clothes on and cuddle/kiss, and you could take it from there? And make him promise, promise, to take it easy. If he gets too excited and tries to push you that might ruin it all. You can wall me anytime, honey <3 stay strong
If you have not already done so, I would suggest two things: 1. Contact a support group for victims of rape or sexual assault in your locality. 2. Consider speaking to a therapist, ideally one who specialises in psychosexual therapy. If you contact the support group first, they may be able to put you in touch with a therapist that has the necessary expertise to help you get past the feelings of violation and trauma, so you can rediscover your enjoyment of sex. It's not any easy process, but why should you allow the jerk who violated your trust to maintain this hold over you and spoil an otherwise good relationship? Put the blame onus on him, rather than on yourself.
