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Overly insecure and can't pintpoint why

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ogmig, May 13, 2015.

  1. Ogmig

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    I am in my twenties and for the last 10-15 years i don't remember ever feeling confident about any of my relation with my friends and family. I always felt like there was something terribly wrong with me, like if people just agreed with each other how much of a mess i am when i am not present and just agree that it's so terrible that they can't even tell me.

    I really don't get along with a lot of people but every now and then i meet people who i really get along with. But eventually i always have this feeling that they end up realizing i am not a good person to keep around because they were told so or because they somehow diagnostic me.

    Now this kind of happened to me in high school because i had terrible acne most of it and was made fun of. I was a coward and i never stood for myself back then. I remember at my prom people just pretending not to know me or not acknowledging my presence even though they really liked me when we were in the same class. I know high school is not a good example of how life works but somehow i feel like i can tell now when people are being hypocrite with me or try to avoid me and this is the same feeling i something get with family member or even sometime people i consider my friends.

    I feel like my close family always tell people who don't know me how much of a mess i am, not with ill intentions but because they think i am really weird or something. Most of the time when i meet people who're friends with my dad or brother or whatever they seems very weird the way they address me. Like if i am the subject of some perpetual conversation and i am considered with pity, curiosity or rejection. This of course is just leading me into more paranoia and at some point i just feel like i can't get out of this bad reputation. I know my close family somewhat look down on me because i am a black sheep but what disturb me is if they actually makes me look like the family fool.

    To be fair i only had one case of "confirmed" case of badmouthing behind my back since high school because some new friend i made told me about it. One of my old brother's friend just told him i was an overall bad and pathetic person to be around. To be fair i had VERY low self-esteem back then due to terrible skins problems and i was barely ever speaking or looking at people and this guy was ALWAYS talking behind everyone back anyway.

    Still the feeling does not go away, i live in a small town so everyone know each other. Everyone is related somehow. Every now and then my friends get to know my older friends or family because the town is so small people end up working or hanging with people connected to my past. I am somehow always terrified that they start talking about me and that people who knew me for a long time are like, why are you even friend with him hes a bad person to have around.

    I am not even sure if there is a cause why people don't want me around. I know i am somewhat weird but people would not talk to me in the first place if they disliked my personality. Yet for some unknown reason i think my reputation is really bad and this feeling persist because sometime i feel like everyone starts being really weird with me especially after they talked with my family.

    So yeah, felt rejected my whole life and now as an adult i assume people are just pretending to be my friend and just keep me around because they pity me or something.
     
  2. Ogmig

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    It's been a few hours since my op. I wish i could edit it but i can't apparently.

    I was a bit of in a paranoid state when i wrote this, been victim of paranoia and selective mutism since i was a kid so it's no wonder people think i am strange i guess. It does not makes me dangerous or impulsive, just very sad and unhappy from time to time.

    So yeah hmm... Thinking about my embarrassing moment and assuming everyone care and remember is what i do best when i'm having a panic attack so sorry for writing this dramatic Op. In the end i think me acting paranoid has the biggest negative influence on my life and even if some people probably hate me out there i doubt this cause an issue at all on my everyday life.
     
  3. wasgij

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    Paranoia isn't all bad though. It could save your life one day when you have a hunch or gut feeling that something isn't right. It might be inaccurate most of the time, but it has to be cautiously over-sensitive otherwise it wouldn't work at all.

    I think you're being too hard on yourself. You say that you're "overly" insecure -- according to what standard? Who decides if it's too much insecurity? Ultimately, it's you saying "I'm not happy with myself about my confidence and stuff", which is basically you whipping yourself so that you work faster/harder/better towards... becoming better. But it all sounds kind-of self-defeating, because there's no objective standard in life for things like how confident you're "supposed to be".