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What to do with an Insensitive Boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by katcaz, May 16, 2015.

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  1. katcaz

    katcaz
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    Hey everyone!

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months. I'm 31 and he's 27. Back in March, he and I went on a cruise together. I booked it in February under the agreement that my boyfriend would pay me back for his portion before the cruise. At the beginning of March, I was unexpectedly let go from my job. I was granted unemployment, but didn't receive my first payment until after we got back from the cruise. Since the cruise, my boyfriend has paid me back $300, which means he still owes me almost $500. Last Wednesday, we hung out. I mentioned to him that I was really struggling for money. I went into specific detail and I told him that my car is low on gas. That night, we went to the casino, where I just watched him... I don't gamble. He played with $40 and walked away with $109. He went out of town with a friend this weekend, and he mentioned he could use that extra money on his vacation, or he could use it towards a new phone. I said to him, "Since you owe me money, how about you give me $20 so I can get gas in my car." He kinda made a "I don't know" sound, but I assumed he would give me money. The redemption machine at the casino gave him a $100 bill. I made a comment that he can put it back into the machine and it'll break the bill for him. He put the $109 in his wallet and didn't give it a second thought.

    I really tried to forget about it, but I just can't and shouldnt! I'm feeling used and like I'm not a priority to him. We had to talk about me not feeling like a priority a few weeks ago. I've thought about breaking up with him, but when we talked before he took it to heart and made a big effort at improving. Actually, before Wednesday, I felt a lot closer in our relationship.. I've talked to a couple of friends about this, but they've told me to break up with him. They haven't seen how we've both grown together. We share a lot of the same interests and he has some great qualities about him.

    So, I just wanted to know what you all thought about this and if you have any suggestions on what to say to him. He's out of town until late tomorrow, so Monday evening will probably be the earliest I'll be able to talk with him.
     
    #1 katcaz, May 16, 2015
  2. Chromedome

    Chromedome
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    That's one of the problems with relationships, you can never truly know anyone and can never truly 100% trust someone. Why you ask?

    There is only one mind you can read. Yours!

    Thus you can never know what's in someone minds, their intentions, their impressions, their ideas, their plans, i can go on and on. The only person you can know and trust is yourself. It seems that you thought you knew your boyfriend, thought that you can trust him, true love and all that. But it seems here that he is more concerned about your money that your we''-being. When i say your money, i mean e is concerned with making it his, and keeping it for himself. I don't want to hate on your boyfriend but it looks like you picked up a gold digger. :confused:

    How do you know he isn't already looking for a new gold mine..i mean boyfriend? Even when he went out with his friend.
     
    #2 Chromedome, May 16, 2015
  3. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    While I would agree that you can't read someone else's mind, I don't think it is warranted to say that your BF is a gold digger because he hasn't paid you back yet or hasn't responded to your indications that you need money.

    He's paid back at least some of the cost of the cruise (nearly half based on what you've said), but since he just didn't pay it all up front or pay you back the full amount right away, I'm getting the sense that he's not exactly making lots of money doing whatever it is he does. You also don't indicate that you know his financial situation, or whether he really understands yours.

    To address that issue, and frankly to also move your relationship forward (because by the 6 month point you really should start to know these things about each other IMO), I would suggest that rather than talking to your friends, to EC, and to anyone else, you take the first opportunity to sit down and have a frank talk with him.

    Explain what your financial situation currently is (I gather you aren't simply rolling in savings if gas money is an issue), that it would really help you to get the rest of the money he owes you, and explicitly ask when and how he thinks that could be made to happen, whether in a series of payments or one payment or whatever. If possible, try to come to a mutual understanding of each others financial situation and approach to money and bills. This is something that you need to know about each other if the relationship is to progress and may reveal a point of incompatibility you may have to deal with before it becomes more of an issue. It's possible he's embarrassed or touchy about his lack of funds. Or maybe he views money in a way that is incompatible with your views. Or maybe he actually is a freeloader. At this point you don't know.

    Try not to come across as judgmental about his finances, but by the end of the conversation do try to get a clear idea of when and how he can reimburse you and a course of action and commitment that he will carry it out.

    If he then does carry it out, fine. If he doesn't, stalls, won't commit, and won't explain why, then is the time for the alarm bells to go off and for you to reconsider the relationship.

    The main point here is that communication is key to the success of any relationship. Avoiding discussions of difficult issues will ultimately come back to bite you in the end.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
    #3 AKTodd, May 16, 2015
  4. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! If I were in your shoes, I would feel used and taken advantage of as well. Reading through your post, a couple of red flags jumped out.

    One, never book or arrange for a more expensive trip with someone whom you are still getting to know and developing a relationship with. Building a trusting relationship where you can be sure that you can fully trust him in fulfilling his commitments and promises to you takes time.

    Two, if you decide to go on a trip together that's alright, but never pay for it upfront. If you decide to go together on a trip, pick something doesn't cost around $800 or perhaps even more per person when all is said and done. Once you pay for the full trip, you are placing yourself in a situation where the other person could potentially walk away from it all without looking back and fulfilling their end of the bargain. It's fine to pay for your boyfriend but it is only okay to do so if you have known him long enough where you know that he is financially responsible and fulfills his commitments. Although he has paid you some of the money back, and as you say, he still owes you more than half of the money.

    While the two of you share some interests, and he has some great qualities, but do they really hold up against how he behaves at the moment? And that is something you should talk to him about. You need to sit down with him and let him know, in no uncertain terms, how you see your relationship with him unfolding at the moment and also how you feel about things - i.e. that you are feeling used and taken advantage of.
     
    #4 Mirko, May 16, 2015
  5. katcaz

    katcaz
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    Thank you for your two cents, Todd. I really do appreciate it. You're right, he doesn't make a lot of money. We met at work and did the same job, so I know what he makes.

    I think it's a great idea for us to be open and honest about our financial situations. That's not something I had really thought about going to far into detail with him, but it's probably a good idea for us to talk about that. We both have a general idea of each other's finances, but neither of us know the full extent of the others. For instance, he lives with his parents, where I pay rent. He has a car payment, where my car is paid off.

    I definitely don't think I could be judgmental about his finances. You actually gave me a great idea on how to bring this up to him to where he can better understand where I'm coming from in a non-confrontational way and he can learn more about me that he doesn't know yet.

    You're absolutely right about the communication part. Funny thing is when I was single, friends would always look to me for relationship advice and I always told them communicate! This is my first relationship ever. I did plan to communicate with him. I usually do if I have an issue. My problem is I allow it to fester... That's primarily so that I can really gather my thoughts.

    Thanks again for your comments.



    Hey :slight_smile: thanks for your reply. I have definitely learned my lesson on paying his share before I had the money in my hands. Sadly, I thought I could trust him to pay me back and I learned the hard way.

    I do think his great qualities do outweigh the current moment, although if our conversation does not go well, I could see myself breaking up. I just hope that doesn't happen. The last time we talked things out, I felt it went well and we were able to grow closer.
     
    #5 katcaz, May 16, 2015
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