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making myself undesirable? *possibly triggering*

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by iam324b21, May 17, 2015.

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  1. iam324b21

    iam324b21 Guest

    I'm not out (my life would be unbearable and I still live at home) and I don't want to ever come out. I've struggled with an eating disorder and self harming for years. For some reason, guys find me attractive and I feel physically sick when they approach me. I've no idea how to tell them to get lost. I just want to cut myself out of this world. I've relapsed and covered myself in scars in the hope that no-one will love the damaged gay girl. I put on my best fake smile and flirt with guys, but when I get home I'm exhausted and cry. I feel torn because I don't want guys to like me, and I don't want to like girls.

    My relationship with my mum has died. I find myself lying to her, because I don't trust her. We have arguments that make me do stupid things, because it feels like she hates me. She wouldn't understand if I told her about my relapse and she blames the media for influencing people to be gay and shoving it in her face.

    I thought I was happy living a life of social isolation. I thought I could just make it through life without falling in love (and hurting my family in the process), but now I don't think I can. I don't want to inflict any more damage on my body, but if I come out I'll have nobody and my family means the world to me. I don't want to be happy if they're not happy with me. I don't know whether I should be more ashamed about my attractions or my cuts.

    If I'm skinny (as a general rule) girls don't like me and say I'm anorexic, but if I put on weight guys find me less attractive (unless they're really desperate).

    I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear.
     
    #1 iam324b21, May 17, 2015
  2. scouse

    scouse
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, it sounds awful. I'd suggest taking on one issue at a time. Sometimes that means breaking things down day by day. Focus on taking care of yourself as best you can. Whatever you enjoy doing, do more of it. Eat well, get exercise and make time to do the things you like. It’s a hard habit to learn, but try to stop negative thoughts, and every day find a positive, however small it may feel.
    You don’t owe people a thing. If a guy is hitting on you, smile, be polite and tell them you’re not looking for a relationship, thanks. If relationships are a no-go at the moment, then work on building friendships instead.

    You say it would be unbearable to come out and that you still live at home. If coming out is not an option right now, then that’s okay. One step at a time, right. There’s no getting around the reality that often coming out is difficult process, particularly when family are not approving, so it could be good in the longer run if you build support from people, groups, whatever. This message board could be a start.
     
    #2 scouse, May 17, 2015
  3. indiqo

    indiqo
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    I think you should seek support. you are 16 so can get confidential support by self-referral and your parents don't need to know about it. I think it's very important you have someone to talk to away from influence, especially if you plan to come out in the future. it's good to build some self-confidence, acceptance and independence. the moderators here can help you find a gay-friendly therapist, counsellor and other services. :]

    I can relate a lot to what you wrote. both because I came out around your age but I also suffer from self-harm and an eating disorder and for very similar reasons.
     
    #3 indiqo, May 18, 2015
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