Picture the scene. I'm walking down the street and bump into some, or meet up with a friend after a long time, we start talking. Before too long, my mind is filled with one unpleasant thought. "Please don't ask the question...please." The question I refer to takes a couple of different forms but they all boil down to one. The friend puts down their coffee, peers over at me and asks, "How's the love life?" Instant panic. I start thinking of a positive angle to put on what I'm about to say but as anyone who has ever worked in sales or marketing will tell you; to put a spin on something, you have to have something to put that spin on. That just isn't the case here. I'm 27, living at home temporarily having just finished college, and I have been single for the last five years. Not, "I just haven't found a boyfriend" single but full-blown, no dates, an insignificant amount of sex, single. It's pathetic. Every single other gay guy I know - EVERY SINGLE ONE - has had at least one steady boyfriend in that time frame (the lucky ones have even managed to be promiscuous) and I'm left holding my own cock and only thinking about someone else. What makes it worse is how successful my exes (all three married by the way) have been. It's sickening. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or resentful or even have feelings for them anymore; I'm pissed off at me. How can I be so undateable? What am I doing wrong? I've come to the conclusion that there are different breeds of homosexual. There are the ones who are "in" the club and those of us who are "out". The slim, smooth talking, articulate, cutely dippy, happy-go-lucky ones who make up 90% of gay culture. You know, the ones with no problems, not just romantically or sexually, but at all. They float through on their clouds and why shouldn't they? They aren't the issue and I'm happy for them. It's the rest of the dross that have the problem. Guys like me, overweight, under confident spods with a charm deficiency. If you're one too, solidarity bro. We're probably dying alone - but separately. I genuinely don't know the first thing about going out and meeting someone... and I'm desperate not to be so lonely, to have someone to make me hate myself a little less, to have someone to text when I'm bored, to have someone to kiss at night before we go to sleep, someone to care. I need it. So how do you do it? How do you go out and meet someone? How do you figure out they like guys? How do you get over heinous deficiencies in your own looks and personality enough decide it's worthwhile liking the look of someone? Most importantly, how do you get them to be with you? I'm just wanting a boyfriend... how hard can it be?
It is so hard to meet people especially if you are not into the bar/club thing or don't fit stereotypes. I have the same problem! I am fat and not a body beautiful and am disabled. See if there are any social groups in the area that meet your interests. Try meetup groups or your local gay community center. Don't expect to meet a boyfriend right away, simply look for friends to hang out with. If you don't hit it off with anyone, maybe they have single friends! Don't give up and good luck
I'm sort of in the same boat as you. This isn't what you want to hear and it doesn't answer your questions, but this is what I can say: I don't think your situation is that bad. There are people out there who aren't just single, they have been single in their whole lives, and haven't even had sex. In the matter of the latter two, you are way ahead of them (and me), so at least those times should give you some confidence about your "dateability". If you're overweight, do everything you can to lose weight. If you don't have confidence and charm, work on yourself! That's what I'm doing. A few months ago I reached a point where I declared that I'm not going to be the fat, ugly, lonely wimp I used to be. I started working on my looks, I've already lost about 6 kilograms, and I haven't been this confident in YEARS. I'm more sociable than I have been in the last 6 years. I'm training my mind to change my thinking so i don't put obstacles in front of myself. And I'm sorry, but this is where the problem lies: "...and I'm desperate not to be so lonely, to have someone to make me hate myself a little less, to have someone to text when I'm bored, to have someone to kiss at night before we go to sleep, someone to care. I need it." If you NEED another human being to make you hate yourself less, to make you more confident, then you're going to have a bad time if you have a boyfriend and you break up. That's because you'll be dependent on him in these matters. The only person you can build your happiness on is yourself. Visit a therapist, psychologist or anyone who can help you with these issues. You have to work these out first, and when you can be happy alone, then you'll have a lot more opportunities and happy relationships. This is what I've learned in the past months, and it's one of the most useful things that I've learned in my whole life. It's true as fuck. Good luck.
If I could share any piece of advice with you, is that it's okay to not be successful at doing something. You might sit there and ponder why you are bad at meeting people, why you are unconfident, why you haven't found a partner. The truth is is that everyone starts from zero experience. What makes people do well in those fields is a persistent attitude. I have been and continue to be in a similar boat to you: a limited knowledge of dating, a limited knowledge of meeting people and a limited knowledge of making relationships successful. However what I realise is that to get to the point of being skilled at these things, I must cross the bridge of practicing these traits. Things may seem bleak and difficult now but I know you'll be fine. As with any problem in life, there's a beginning, a middle and an end; our resiliency helps us get through to the end. Keep positive, seek to practice and develop the traits you want to have, and know that it's okay to not succeed at first.
Hi Sek, thanks for your contribution. What really frustrates me is that I'm really quite a clever guy. I'm well educated and have a job I enjoy. This sort of stuff really shouldn't be difficult, the drive to copulate and couple up is hardwired into all of us, it's natural. If I understood what it is that I'm doing wrong or poorly I could get on with correcting it. As it stands, that information just isn't forthcoming.
It sounds like you're looking for a one-step fix to this. But don't think because you're intelligent that you should automatically have all virtuous human qualities. Everyone regardless of intelligence has some skill they have not yet honed; yours might include being able to meet new people, develop relationships with them, and/or being happy and content regardless of your relationship status. The point I'm trying to convey is that the solution to being bad at something is to start consciously changing it by practicing the quality you would like to have. Go out into a situation you'd normally find uncomfortable and pretend like you are confident and in control of the situation; fake it 'til you make it. When you start to realise your fears are unfounded you'll move past them.
you remind me of tedd no offence but like they said he have a big heart but no one is interested in that origin these days! you know love come to me in all sorts of way here but sadly only from older men who are freaks i did get some lovely guys though but i got away not interested and there are two guys well maybe one of them have their eye on me but i have my eyes on the two ! i guess if i was living out of syria i would have had more guys asking me out and me shoving them away the only secret to attract guys to you is to love yourself don't be an easy target and act all high top class and cocky and if someone start talking you can give signs if interested trust me guys these days hate other gays who are still not proud of being gay cause its like forcing themselves into another closet and hell who wants that i'm not saying be a diva hun (because i'm a bitchy diva one btw) just be a self confident man who walks up with his head held high and a lively little smile brightening your face you will catch many dudes with this trust me now lets go about how you are living your life you know if you are just a regular person who doesnt do anything for fun outside his home in the free time you lose a big chance of finding guys you can attend a class to learn something anything a gym class or whatever you want (im attending english classes to improve my english i met two cute guys there !) LGBT groups have meetings parties and hang outs why not attend one or two when you are free and get to know some people also have you heard of speed dating idk where do you live but some people are using it these days i heard about it in straight websites although idk if the service is avilbalble for gays and lesbains ! if you want to talk leave me message even though we are not going with the same stuff you can rant to me and i would love to listen and help as much as i can :eusa_danc
Aww man you seem really down on yourself. The fact your friends are asking you means they expect you to find someone else, it means they see something in you that is worthy of love. So that should be a confidence boost in itself, You also mention your exes, if you have exes how could you be so far behind? You certainly don't need to be married at your age, tons of gay guys don't find "the one" till later in life, same with straight people, it's just called life. As for meeting people there are plenty of apps for that, ones that you can categorize yourself as a little larger, and one where you can look for people who are the same size as you, so meeting someone shouldn't be a problem. I went on a couple dates with some "larger" guys, and if I liked their personalities I would've dated them, but both were unfortunately full of themselves. You seem very articulate and intelligent just based on the way your wrote your post, so I don't think you are lacking any charm, maybe just confidence to actually show your personality. If you want a confidence boost, hit the gym, go on a diet, and try to improve yourself physically, even though this is not necessary at all, you are still fully capable of finding someone in your current state, it's your mind that is stopping you from believing that. But honestly your problems don't seem that dire, you basically seem down about your weight and that IS SOMETHING you can change, you just need to want to change it. And if you don't want to change your body for a confidence boost, then change your attitude. Honestly just go on dates, just push yourself to do it, you will always have us on EC for support, and you should reach out to your friends about how you are nervous about meeting up with someone, they should put your worries to sleep. That's what friends are for, and they clearly see something in you that you dont, because they keep pestering you about your love life. Everyone deserves love, and everyone is capable of finding love. I remember watching a doc on people with autism dating, a lot of them actually found people interested in them, and they have REAL SOCIAL PROBLEMS, you just have low confidence, so if someone with a developmental problem can overcome the odds, why can't someone with low self esteem do it? I know what it's like to have low self esteem, but sometimes you just need to realize you only live once, and your life is passing you by with each minute you waste worrying about yourself. So either realize you are good enough for love, hit the gym, try to get into better shape(ONLY CONDONING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IT WILL BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE IT IS NOT NECESSARY THOUGH THERAPY CAN HELP YOU TO REALIZE THIS) and get out there. Go on dates for fun, as practice for conversation, go into the date with the expectation of nothing and there will be no pressure, you truly have to be ok with a date not going well for you to be ok with going on one. THe person you will be going on a date with will be just as nervous as you, you aren't alone in it, humans just don't all admit it, but we all have insecurities.
A piece of practical advice I can offer to you is learn about dating through various types of resources. I am in a similar position so I began reading articles online about dating, read books from the library (my province's public library has e-books so I don't have to even go to the library for information), there are you tube videos (alpha m is good for dudes). While there is a lot of junk to sort through when turning to books/articles/videos on dating, there is still some good content. As far as meeting people goes, there are dating sites/apps, local LGBT organizations, gay-friendly bars, and anything that is stereotypically associated with gays (e.g. theatre, the gym). Dating sites/apps are good because they are direct. Usually people state what they want (e.g. sex, relationship, monogamy, polyamory). Bars, organizations, and theatre groups are a little more work but the quality may be higher than the dating sites/apps. One word of wisdom- don't use LGBT+ organizations or join local theatre groups in order to get dates or to pick up men. Make sure the reason you join something is because you enjoy being part of that group and want to meet more people in your daily life....finding a date or a partner is just a perk that may or may not happen. For example, my friend met another person at a LGBT organization and after a year of knowing each other they began dating. Slow, but they both found good quality matches.
